Joy’s Rant List Volume 17: Everything I Know about Dating, I Learned from Video Games (OR: The Nerd’s Guide to Avoiding Bitterness)

I am going to drop science and philosophy on you folks today.  Pay attention. You might learn something!!!  

I have been dating since I was a teenager – as have most of us.  After a particularly aggravating break up, I decided to use my SuperNerd math skills to determine my bottom line.  Check this out:

 The average heterosexual American female will start dating around the age of 16.  In a year’s time, she may meet and date around 6 – 10 different males.  These include a) exchange of numbers and no call, b) one date only, c) date for a few months or d) date for years.  Some may even overlap in timing.  For the purpose of this statistical analysis, assume the following numbers for a female from the ages of 16-40:  

1)  Total number of men met = 320 (from long-term relationships to one-night secrets)

2)  224 of these men will have jobs (Up to 30% may be broke, unemployed, in school, or just living with mama)

3)  56 of the 224 will be uncovered as gay, married… or both… (leaving 168)

4)  At least 60% (100) will be just trying to get laid (the percentage is higher in the 20s, when everyone is trying to get laid, but across a lifetime…  It’s about 60%)

5)  Conclusion – Only 68 (20%) of the original 320 are actual relationship partner candidates!!! 

This works out to about 2 guys/year – low odds!  Reasonably, that means you need to cast a wider net.  But you can’t.  Because that would make you a ho.  Even if you don’t sleep around, guys talk, and you don’t want to be Victoria (everyone knows her ‘secret’).  LOL!

 Now, you may fall in love 3 or 4 times out of that 68, and possibly even get married.  By the age of 40, your chances of getting married and staying that way are 1 in 136.  Wait, why not 1 in 68?  Because the divorce rate is over 50%, so that cuts your chances in half all over again.  Sonofabitch

On the other hand, I also researched some statistics on getting pregnant and found that a woman having regular unprotected sex has a 1 in 10 shot at getting pregnant.  Hmmm…  That means you are almost 14 times more likely to get pregnant than you are to get married and stay that way.  Think I’m wrong? Well… Halle Berry is a 43 year old single mother.  Freaking Halle Berry!!  But don’t stop reading yet.   You know I am a ‘silver lining’ type.  Besides, if you’ve already dated 75+ guys (or girls), you must be getting closer, right?  LOL!

 These statistics help explain – to me anyway – why I’ve dealt with so many …characters…in the dating arena.  And after what I have been through, I have every right to be a bitter bitch.  I am sick to death of being the girl (i.e. PROTOTYPE) that helps the guy get his shyt together so he can up and marry the next girl.  Ugh!  But I am not bitter…  Let me just give you some examples of the shullbit in my past, along with what I learned from each encounter:

 Example #1 – “A Teenage Love”:  My first love was in high school, and it was great (popcorn love!).  But he went to college before I did and subsequently broke up with me – he said he knew he would cheat on me and didn’t want to hurt me.  Broke my little heart.  Then I went to college, and I got over it.  But this taught me how to recognize love when I felt it.  We still love each other, even 20 years later.  But it’s different now.  I just talked to him and his fiancé last week….

 Example #2 – “You, Me…And She“:  One guy in college told me that I was his only one, until I called his apartment late one night and his ex answered the phone.  He swore to me that she was a crazy stalker.  And I took him at his word.  But she ended up pregnant a few months later.  (See statistics above!!)  TWO YEARS later, this guy comes back around and asks me – with a straight face – if I had been saving myself for him.  WTF?  Dude, you got your EX pregnant while we were together!!! His response:  “Yeah, but, you ain’t been giving my good stuff away have you?”  All I could do was laugh.  At least he married his baby’s momma.  Did I mention that he was MARRIED when he asked me if I had been saving myself for him?  I learned from this that if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably banging its ex-girlfriend.

 Example #3 – “My Boo”:  One guy that I dated – and subsequently fell in love with – told me that I had never said to him how I felt so he never felt emotionally attached.  He broke up with me and told me that he had never really considered me his ‘girlfriend’.  He then married the next girl because she got pregnant (statistics!) – and they are happy.  After that, I made it clear to all the rest that I wanted the ‘girlfriend’ title and the respect/benefits that go with it.  I’m not your boo, I’m not your friend.  You will introduce me as your girlfriend or your lady.  Or else stop calling me. I also learned to say what I feel.

 Example #4 – “HomieLovaFriend”:  Years (lots of years) ago, I had one guy that I used just for sex.  See, men, it can be done!  But he started catching feelings for me and wanting more.  I told him that he could have more if he could be faithful to me.  Answer: “No.”  Okay, well, thanks for playing.  (Women, please note that I took him at his word, and didn’t try to change him.)  No hard feelings.  I am still friends with this guy.   And, I learned that if I wanted a serious man, I had to be a serious woman.

 Example #5 – “HalfCrazy”:  One guy told me that he was abstinent and a minister at his church.  He kept trying to get at me though – like FOR REAL.   At one point, he actually pushed me down on the couch and started kissing me.  But, I stopped him.  And while he is laying on top of me, he proceeds to accuse ME of seducing HIM.  Huh!???  I tried to slow things down, because something didn’t feel ‘right’, you know?  But he asked me why couldn’t I ‘let him in’ so we could be happy together?  So I did – and still with no sex.  Two weeks later, he tells me that he knows he can’t stop himself from having sex with me eventually (hello, do I get a vote?!?) so he had to leave and never speak to me again.  And he didn’t!  Yep, I learned to trust my instincts on this one.  I had a feeling he was crazy, and I was right.

Example #6 – “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T”:  One guy told me that I was everything he wanted in a woman, and that I would make a great wife.  Once he found out that I made more money than him, he stopped calling.  I didn’t learn anything this time.  But this happens a lot so I left it in.

 Example #7 – “I’mma Do Me “:  One guy told me that I was “it” for him.  He said that he had been looking for me his whole life, and now he was man enough to recognize a good thing when he saw it.  We had great conversations – all about him though.  And he had some ‘mother-whore’ issues and wanted someone who wasn’t so enthusiastic between the sheets.  Umm…..I’ll pass.   I learned that if you change for someone, then they will love who you are pretending to be, and you will resent them for it.

 Please note that with the exception of the closet prude, I was dumped by ALL these guys.  It’s enough to make you want to scream!  And I have, on occasion.  But then, how am I not bitter?  Simple – I am a hardcore GAMER.  I have learned a lot from playing video games, and the one thing that I do know is this:  The game can always be beaten, even if you die a thousand deaths and have to restart it over and over again. 

(YOU MAY NOW STOP READING)

 But, if you didn’t… 

 Anyone who has ever played any video game knows what it feels like to try and fail, and yet you try again…  Why? Because the game CAN be won.  Apply what you learned from the last defeat and start again.  For the folks who have actually played Xbox or Playstation or Wii – you know that there are times when you get so frustrated that you throw the controller to the floor and say “Phuk this!  I am SO done playing this game!”  And you may even turn the console off and leave.  But you come back and try again because you KNOW there’s a way to win. 

 Here’s another video game observation.  You may be playing Super Mario Bros or something, and are trying to jump to the right to get to this next platform, but you keep missing it.  After trying and dying so many times, you just turn the damn thing off.  You are done playing….  But then you turn it on again, and this time, you jump left instead of right. There’s a whole different platform to the left!  The game keeps going, and you are SO excited!  You beat that level!  Whoo-hoo!  The moral to the story:  When you have played the game so many times without progressing, do something different.  And when you do the right thing, it all just comes together.  But you will never know that if you completely stop playing the game. 

 Now when I say ‘play the game’, I don’t mean those childish games like the girl who won’t return your phone calls or the guy who only calls after 10pm.  You need to be honest with yourself and with others to win the dating game.  Remember Rant #16!!!  And even then, things may still derail.  But keep going because there IS a way to win. 

All those guys I listed above were, for the most part, decent guys!  They weren’t all dogs, and they weren’t out to hurt me (on purpose).  But in the end, they just weren’t for me.  THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR WOMEN TO READ:  Just because a guy doesn’t do what you want him to do, doesn’t make him ‘no good’. He’s just not good for you.  If it doesn’t work out, yo, it just doesn’t.  It wasn’t meant to be, you know?  It just wasn’t.  ($10 in virtual money to the first person who cites that song and artist.).  If things don’t work out, it may or may not be anyone’s fault.  You can do the “Maybe he….  Maybe I…” list of excuses all day when all you really have to do is learn from the experience and restart the game.

Advertisements

Joy’s Rant List Volume 16: Men Are From Mars. Women Are From Venus…. But We Are Both on Earth, so WTF?

So!  Now I want to talk about the differences between men and women. Hopefully this will shed some light on why men do what they do and women do what they do.  But I also want to give some clarification to men on what they do that women misinterpret, and vice versa.  No one is safe. Toes will be crushed.

HYPOTHESIS:  Generally speaking, women expect you to respond to their ACTIONS.  Men expect you to respond to their WORDS.  It sounds backwards, because women love to talk, but trust me, I am right. 

ADDENDUM: Everyone lies, and it is usually to THEMSELVES.  

Example # 1: Your Cut Buddy is Really Trying to Cut You!

As a guy, you have STATED CLEARLY that this is a ‘friends with benefits’ situation.  The woman agrees, and it jumps off.  But men, you may get tired and sleep at her place one night. You may bring her dinner or catch a movie with her.  You may snuggle up after sex, because (once in a blue moon) you just wanted the coziness of snuggling.  But you CAN’T DO this with a cut buddy! She will take the movie outings, the offers of dinner and snuggling, the conversation that you may have had with her about how your day was – she will take all of that as RELATIONSHIP ACTIONS.  If a woman gets relationship actions from you, she will assume she is getting into a relationship.  This is why men think that women can’t have sex without emotions.  They CAN, but when you engage in relationship actions, it confuses them.  (This is why they ask so many questions.  They don’t understand why your actions don’t match your words.)  …. And then the stalking and the restraining orders ensue. 

Now men, don’t get irritated and say that this is dumb and women shouldn’t assume.  I am only telling you this so you will know how your actions will be interpreted.  In the sex-only situation, if you just want sex, just get that.  If she agreed to it, she is cool with it.  And if you treat her like she is nothing but a piece of ass – she will even appreciate the honesty.  Really??  Yes! Seriously!!  There is a ‘phuk zone’ in addition to the ‘friend zone’.  She will just put you there.  DISCLAIMER:  Women are almost always looking for someone to love.  So if you start acting like a boyfriend or acting like you want to do more than just bang her …. A stalker is born. 

Casual sex guys:  If you TELL her you only want sex, then DON’T call her ANY other time.  DON’T ask her about anything going on in her life.  Compartmentalize the crap out of her!  DON’T accept offers of more from her – that is a TRICK!  If she cooks, and you eat it – bamboozled!!  Don’t even wish her happy birthday!  That is NOT your role.  And as a matter of fact, during sex, try to hit it from the back.  I mean don’t even LOOK at her.  I know that is harsh, but it’s for the best. 

Women who don’t want casual sex:  Per Chris Rock:  If you have been having sex with a man for more than 3 months and you haven’t met any of his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend.  Refer to previous paragraph. 

Example # 2: Silent but Violent

 A woman can be in the kitchen slamming pots and pans around, clearly upset about something.  All her ACTIONS will say that she is upset.  A man may ask from the living room “baby what’s wrong?”  She will respond “nothing.”  But, as a man, you have asked her what was wrong and she said nothing so…back to watching the game.   And now she is mad at you because you didn’t respond to her ACTIONS.  What would have made everything better is if you had just walked up and given her a hug.  Trust me, even if she is mad at YOU, this will work.

To all the “He Should Know Me By Now” Women:   STOP assuming that your man knows you like your best friend from middle school knows you.  If you want to go out to dinner, SAY the words “I want to go out to dinner”.  You do NOT sit on the couch and just not cook.  You do not say “I am feeling restless” – what the hell is that supposed to mean?  You say exactly what you want.  Stop dropping hints.  Stop expecting them to know you so well that they read your mind.  That is what your girlfriends do.  Men do not – DO NOT – do this. 

BONUS “Mind-Reading” example for men – women may skip this:   

I went to lunch one day with my friend Rochelle.  As the waitress came to take our drink order, I asked for a glass of iced tea.  I got a tiny gasp and a look from Rochelle.  I immediately said “Scratch that.  Let me get a glass of Cabernet and a glass of water.” Rochelle smiled.  Now you may say – what the hell was that all about?  Well, I know that Rochelle doesn’t like to drink alone.  I know that Rochelle knows I usually order red wine with a meal.  The gasp and the look meant that she was disappointed in my drink choice because she was about to order a drink and didn’t want to drink alone.  So I ordered a glass of wine to drink with her.  And this was all communicated with a gasp and a look.  I read her mind!!  I can do that – I am one of her good girlfriends.  But women (cuz I know you didn’t skip this) – understand that MEN can’t do this.  They respond to WORDS.  She didn’t even say anything!  A typical man would have just ordered the glass of iced tea – because they wanted tea anyway – and then asked her what was up. At that point, she would have said ‘nothing’.  And then the man would have gone on with dinner, never knowing all of what was going on in her head.  Now, if a man gets to know you over a decade, they may begin to pick up on some of your cues, but you can NOT expect a man that you have been dating for 6 months or even married to for 3 years to know you well enough to read your mind.  They just don’t function like that. 

Example #3:  But You SAID!

Men Listen, but they do NOT infer meaning:  They hear what you say.  And they respond to it.  So if you say that you are trying to lose weight, they are going to give you advice on losing weight.  They are not going to know that you only said that to see if they were going to respond and tell you that you look fine.  They think they are helping with advice about diets and working out. You said you wanted to lose weight!  Remember, men solve problems.  Don’t ask the question if it’s a problem you don’t want solved on the spot.

Example #4:  I’m GROWN! I Do What I Want!

The most dangerous aspect of communication between men and women is this:  People will lie and say just about anything – usually because it sounds good to say it.  Men and women both do what they WANT to do.  This is truer now than it has ever been before, what with the increasing emphasis on “me, me, me”.  People want what they want, even if they are not supposed to have it. 

A. Women say things like “I don’t want drama in my life”.  This is almost ALWAYS a lie.  It just sounds ‘grown’.  As I have stated on many occasions – women who say that they are trying to “live drama free” are the ones with the most drama in their lives!!  MEN – avoid these women for the sake of your own sanity.  Women who don’t bring drama don’t have to brag about it. 

B. Guys will say anything to get laid.  Like “I’m looking to settle down”. They believe what they say…when they SAY it…but then that post coital alarm goes off and that truth evaporates.  But notice – they didn’t necessarily say they were looking to settle down with YOU.  This is a loophole.  This situational lying also goes for the person who was celibate until that sexy muthaphuka walked in the door.  (No offense to the women and men who ARE really celibate – kudos to you!) 

And most people don’t even know what they really want, so that just adds to the nonsense. 

But, to wrap it all up, here are a few more things about men and women that the opposite sex needs to know:

1. The rearview mirror in the car is just the best mirror to use to put on makeup. If we could get that mirror in the bathroom, we would put our makeup on in there.  But, it’s in the car.  We WAIT to put on makeup in the car.  It was not an afterthought.

2. Men will have sex with you even if they don’t really like you, if you keep after them.  To use a baseball reference, if you keep throwing it at them, eventually they will hit it.  This does NOT mean that they want to be with you, though.

3. Women approach relationships with the idea that they will stick around as long as the guy doesn’t mess up.  Men approach relationships with the idea that if the woman doesn’t mess up, they might stick around.  (Do you SEE how this is different?!?! )

4. Women like sex just as much as men.  Good sex, that is.  Refer to Rant # 14…..

Any more questions? 🙂

Rant # 16 done, and I’m out.

Joy’s Rant List Volume 15: What is Love? (Baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more…)

Sorry about the title – I had that song in my head.  But anyway – I’ve got LOTS to say about love and marriage and relationships, but before I get into the meatier discussions of men, women, relationships, dating, marriage, miscommunication, requirements, etc…we need to get this definition of love out of the way.

What is “love”?  Let me tell you what it’s NOT.  Love is NOT infatuation.  Too many people make this mistake. There is no such thing as love at first sight.  When you are at the club, or the store, or church, or wherever you see someone with a tight butt or cute face, you are not thinking “I love him” or “I love her”.  You are thinking “Dayum, she got a phat ass!” or “Oooh, he could get it!”  Love is NOWHERE in this picture.  And the reasons that you go over and get the number or (give it out) have nothing to do with love.  You just wanna bang.  This is a basic desire that predates religion.  It’s why we are on this planet – it is the fundamental genetic drive to ensure the propagation of the species.  If you don’t wanna bang, well, you just aren’t human.  You’re not even a mammal!  This is the first stage of infatuation: basic animal attraction.  And we all have it.  And it’s a start.  If you don’t look at someone and wanna bang them, then they probably aren’t for you long-term.  BUT THIS IS JUST THE START.

There’s more:  Second Stage Infatuation is that feeling of a fluttering heart, daydreaming about someone, whispering sweet nothings, the excitement of something new, that jazzy feeling at the beginning of a relationship.  And it’s INFATUATION that is BLIND!  Not love!!!  But it doesn’t last forever.  Now here’s the problem – infatuation CAN last as much as a year or two!  Infatuation is “the thrill”, and everything that goes with it.  Romance is a vehicle to extend infatuation. If you want your man to be romantic (or your woman), what you REALLY want is for that person to rekindle the infatuation that you felt when you met them.  This is where women go wrong. They feel like, if the man stops romancing them, then they fall out of love with them. No. NO I SAY!  You have fallen out of infatuation. You may never have been in love.  And the same goes for men.  If you want your woman to drop 15 lbs and wear something with the ass cut out of it, what you REALLY want is to get that jazzy “I gotta HAVE you!” feeling back.  I propose this:  if you fall out of love with a woman because she gained some weight – you never loved her in the first place.  (*this is within reason, of course.)  And back to the ‘blind’ thing:  if you get mad at someone and start to see all their faults and are shocked that you didn’t notice it earlier, you were simply infatuated and too blind to see it.  As Oaktown 3-5-7 put it: “Juicy…got ’em crazy!”  LOL!

So what IS love then, Joy? Since you know so dayum much!!  Well, first I am going to have to go a little existential and abstract on you.  Follow me on my tangent (cha’mon!)

Most of you may have never heard of this movie, but my favorite movie of all time is The 5th Element.  Not because it’s silly and futuristic, and has Bruce Willis and Chris Tucker in it – although those things do help.  But it’s my favorite because the moral to the story is that love saves the universe.  The movie centers around the idea that there are four elements that come together with a fifth to destroy evil.  The fifth element is this girl, and she is touted as the ultimate weapon against evil.  And yet she can’t work, can’t function to save the universe, unless she has love in her heart.  She sees the destruction that humans have done and wonders what is worth saving?  Only love is.  And she didn’t know love.  But when she finds it, the love that she has shines a light into the universe to save life as we know it.  So there were 5 elements in the film: earth, wind, fire, water, and LOVE.  It was a basic fundamental force for good.  And that pretty much sums up how I feel about love – it is the light of the universe.  God is love.  (See, I’m not just funny, I can be deep, too!)

So few people understand this:  love is the desire to do good for the people around you with no benefit to yourself.   Love is charity, love is selflessness.  The ability to love others is a divine gift.  Lord knows most people are assholes and totally don’t deserve it.  That’s why love has to be GIVEN.  Love is looking at someone and thinking “I want to make you safe and happy. Period.”  From the other side, love is looking at someone and BEING happy, being with them.  It doesn’t require fancy dates, and expensive presents and poems and such.  Those are tools to keep a person infatuated until they realize they love you.  And there’s the thing!  Love grows over time.  I firmly believe that anyone can love anyone else if they spend enough time with them.  The TYPE of love may be different (you don’t love your girlfriend like you love your sister, etc).  This is why infatuation does have a place – if you don’t want to bang the person you’re with, you are probably destined to be friends.  You may still love them, but without that “I gotta have you!” feeling, it won’t be a good romantic relationship.  (Side note – if you know a man who complains that his wife won’t give him sex….she married her friend.)

But think about this:  Have you ever had a friend that everyone else wondered WHY you were friends with that whack-job?  And yet, you love or loved that person.  This is just as common for men as it is for women, although men tend to not think of themselves as loving their boyz.  Whatever – if you would jump into a fight with him or loan him money, you probably love him.  Doesn’t mean you want to kiss him.  Get over it.  Love is ride or die.  When you spend time with someone, you get to know their eccentricities, their pet peeves, their good and bad points.  And you appreciate the good, and you excuse the bad.  It’s not that you don’t see the faults – you just recognize them and move on.  YOU ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE AND DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE THEM.  I have a friend from college that used to TELL people that she could be a real bitch.  And she was right!  But I love her to this day.  And she loves me.  I have tagged over a dozen people that I know have MAD love for me (and right back atcha, peeps!).   These are folks that will come to my rescue, keep me sane, tell me when I am full of shyt, remind me of how great I am when I am feeling down.  They will drive me home when I’ve been drinking, or get drunk with me if I need them to.  You wanna know about ride or die?  I bought my friend a used car, in HER name, to give her transportation and to boost her credit rating.  Why? She desperately needed it and I could get it for her.  I wanted her to be safe, and happy.  Period.  I got nothing out of it.  But I love her!  And that’s just friendship!

So what is the defining characteristic of romantic love between a man and a woman? 

I have a pair of friends getting married in December.  Let’s call them Frank and Edna.  😀  After all the ups and downs in their relationship, and before the engagement, Frank was sitting on the couch one day looking at Edna.  She looked back at him, irritated, like “what?!?!”  He said to her: “I just fell in love with you all over again.”   All the ladies: 1…2…3… Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!  

That is the very essence of what it takes to be in a solid relationship.  When you love someone, you stay with them.  It’s a CHOICE we make, every day.  Every day that you wake up and look at them, you make a decision to stay.  People suck.  ALL people suck!  NOBODY is awesome all the time!  EVERYONE has issues.  But when you are around those issues, and that sucker-ass behavior, you get used to it. And then the other things – the GOOD things, start to shine through.  You weigh the good and the bad and the good wins.  Or, you weigh the good and the bad and the BAD wins, but you know that it wasn’t always like that.  If the bad wins for long enough, you have to leave out of self-preservation.  But it doesn’t mean you didn’t love that person.  And if they get their shyt together, you would probably go back.  If love depended on what someone could do for you, then the minute they stopped doing it, the love would be gone.  Women would leave their men, and vice versa, at the first sign of trouble.  AND THIS HAPPENS EVERY DAY.  People get infatuated, get married, and then the thrill ends and they get divorced.  But if they had just made the decision to stay…..  who knows. 

My grandmother and grandfather were married for over 50 years, until the death of my grandfather in 1999.  From the time I was born, all I saw was a deep and abiding love between them.  They would fuss, sure.  But I never doubted that they loved each other.  It wasn’t until 2004 that, after Thanksgiving dinner, my grandmother told me that she couldn’t stand my grandfather for the FIRST TWO YEARS OF MARRIAGE!!!  What. The. Hell?  They got married because she got pregnant, and moved from the country in Texas to Houston – during the Great Depression.  You think YOU’VE got money problems…. She told me that she cried all the time. He was mean to her (not hitting her, but you know, didn’t want to put up with a silly girl).  She was 17, and he was 21.  But all they had was each other.  And she didn’t want to go back to the country.  So she stayed.  And she ‘learned’ him.  And he learned her.  And they had some jokes.  And he took her dancing.  He didn’t dance, but he knew SHE liked to dance, so he would take her to dances and then stand in the corner smoking and making sure nobody got more than one dance with her.  And HE liked to eat, so she would make sure that he had good food all the time.  And they talked.  And they grew to love each other.  So check this out – they met, they wanted to bang (and they did), they got married, and then they fell in love.  Sounds out of order, doesn’t it?  But they were married for 50+ years?  So do they have it wrong, or do we? 

Love grows, just like a child.  It has an inception – that day that you realize that you would do anything for this person, and that you feel better just being near them.  That’s the birth of love.  It doesn’t take long to get there.  But love has to grow.  It has an infancy, a puberty and a full grown stage.  Most people give up on love at the infancy stage.  Some people even abort it.  Any couple that is happily married will tell you that they love their spouse more now than they did when they got married.  If they don’t, they probably are not happily married. I will talk about marriage in another rant, though. That will take forever. 

I will say this:  There is no such thing as a love-hate relationship.  It is really a love-getting-on-my-damn-nerves relationship.  But EVERY relationship has this to some varying degree.  One of my friends related this tale to me:  she was crying to one of her married friends about still being single and approaching mid-life.  She wondered why she kept getting hurt and disappointed.  The married friend replied: “You don’t think that happens in a marriage?  Nobody can hurt me like my husband does.”  This does NOT mean that she was getting beat by her husband.  It only means that her husband, whom she loves, has the easiest access to her heart.  And he wasn’t hurting her on purpose.  Speaking as someone that wakes up with mysterious bruises and lives ALONE, I can tell you that accidents happen – both physical and psychological.  So the only difference between marriage and single life is that when you are single, you get hurt by many random people (…and you bang many random people). When you are married, you get hurt by that same person over and over again (…ditto on the banging).  So love in a marriage isn’t so much about how your heart flutters when you look at them, but more about how you DON’T pick up a knife and stab them in their sleep.  If you wake up every morning and your husband or wife isn’t sitting there fondling the blade of a dagger, count yourself lucky that they love yo’ stupid ass that much. 

Rant Vol. 15 done, and I’m out.

Joy’s Rant List Volume 14: Fake it til you Make it. Or Until They Go to Sleep. Just …. Just get off me.

I told you all before that the next set of rants would center on relationships. Well, I have been straight STRUGGLING with this.  There is SO much to rant about!!!  Where to begin?  With men?  Women?  Relationships?  Sex?… Well, okay, sex is the easiest to start with.   I have edited this again and again, pared it down, reorganized it, and even deleted it and started over.  What I then decided to do was break it down to only one aspect of sex.  Faking it.  It’s so easy.  …. To talk about I mean.

First, before I begin, let me state for the record that the stories and other experiences that are written herein are NOT all first-hand.  I have talked to countless women about sex in my lifetime, and they’ve got thousands of stories to tell. However, because they would all kick my a$$ if I outed them on FB, I will write these things from a third-person perspective.  In other words, all of this stuff didn’t happen to ME.  I am just writing about it.  Most of you know that I suck at keeping secrets so if you wonder if I did something you see written here, I probably didn’t!  So don’t call me and ask me if I ever did blah blah blah.  None of your damn business.  Default to NO.  But this communication needs to happen, so I will take one for the team and try to get some points across (to men AND women).  Stick around, you might learn something!  And at the rate I am going, I will probably rant about this for the rest of the summer. LOL!

Story :  He’s Just Not That Into You… Because it won’t reach….
So, “Girl B” had a guy that she had been dating for a while.  She really liked him, and he had a lot going for him, and she thought they had a chance at love.  But when they finally got around to doing it, he was small.  Like, pre-teen small.  She felt bad that he couldn’t satisfy her, so she faked her O’s.  She tried to give him encouragement, but she made the mistake once of crying out how good it was and he wasn’t even in.  (Editor’s note: ROTFLMAO!!!)  So naturally, the conversation happened where he asked her if she had been faking the whole time – the answer was yes – and he then broke up with her.  It was sad, because she was digging him in other ways and would have just been okay with mediocre sex if she could be with him (Editor’s note: WTF?!!)  But he said that she was a liar and he couldn’t be with a liar.  So naturally, she put out a BDR on him (Bad Dick Report).  How’s THAT for honesty?

Guys should try to avoid the BDR at all costs.  If you think that women gossip about each other nonstop, you should hear what we talk about when you CAN’T hear us!!  You would be shocked!  Know this: if you are bad in bed, and a woman is not emotionally attached to you, she WILL put out a BDR on you. And it will be almost immediate.  If she goes to the bathroom, see if she takes her phone!! LOL!  But you can rest assured that somewhere in the next 24 hrs she will be on the wire with her friends: “girl, you won’t believe….”  The only thing that can save you from a BDR is her feelings for you. If she likes you, she will stick with you and try to work around it.  If she doesn’t like you, she will dime you out.  And if you break up with her, and it’s an ugly break-up, and she tells you that she faked it in bed, she’s probably not lying.  This is why you shouldn’t have ugly break-ups.  And don’t EVER send a breakup text.  That is some shullbit.  But I’m off topic….

Here’s what I don’t understand – WHY would a guy break up with a girl because she faked her orgasms?  I know this guy said that it made the girl a liar, but dayum!  I mean, who DOESN’T fake it?  I think that he REALLY broke up with her because his ego couldn’t take the idea that he was not Mandingo in bed…..Side Note:  Everyone really needs to see the movie Mandingo.  It’s really about this slave who got caught up in a bad situation with his master’s wife.  And then she had a black baby.  And then they BOILED HIM ALIVE.  Never in any part of the movie do they mention that Mandingo is hung low or swinging to his knees or anything.  Somehow, we just made that up.  But guys – do you REALLY want to be Mandingo? He went out like a sucka!

So what I also have to wonder about is this – has this guy NEVER gotten constructive criticism in bed? Have women been faking it with him his whole life?  Or was it just that he couldn’t satisfy this one?  I mean, if he has a toddler penis, then I am inclined to believe it was the former.  Some guys go through life not knowing that they suck in bed because they are rich or powerful or some other thing.  It’s this other thing that makes women want to stay despite the bad sex, and hopefully get the ring and a piece of that prize.  This might also be why high-powered women are seen as frigid or bitches.  Maybe they don’t need to stroke your ego because….what the hell for?  LOL!

Guys, size DOES matter.  Anyone that says different either is lying to you to make you feel better, or is okay with your size.  In either of these instances, just shut up and stop asking stupid questions.  If a girl says your size is cool with her, then it is.  If you have wondered, and you are dying to know without having to ask anyone in person, I will tell you this:  6” x 2.5” is good enough.  And 9” x 4” is a hysterectomy. 

But just because your size is cool with her doesn’t mean you are knocking it out the park.  That is very hard to do, I won’t lie to you.  A friend of mine told me that it’s hard to FIND a good man in bed because it’s hard to BE a good man in bed.  There are so many things to keep in the air (pun totally intended).  Your best bet for a “mighty O” is to take a trip down under.  And if you are not hitting on all switches there either, women will fake that too.  Women fake it for a number of reasons.  She may be tired.  She may be looking at you and thinking “Wow, he’s trying really hard…. I’ll let him off the hook.”  She may be thinking that you normally do pretty well and one of you is having an off night, so why make you work extra hard?  She knows that you will get her next time.  Now here’s the kicker:  you may be doing the same thing that you always do to make her holler – but she is just not getting there.  She may know that you won’t stop until she gets hers, and it’s just not happening tonight so…. “ohh, ohh, yeah…. Shazamm!  That was great, now get off me…”  I know a girl who said she pissed her husband off because he was doing his thing, but she was trying to learn the lyrics to a song in her head and she wasn’t focused.  I know another girl who got caught watching Comic View in the mirror from the bed.  LOL!  But never fear – if she is letting you tap it, then either she cares for you a lot, or you regularly knock it out the park.  And men, if you suspect faking, you should TOTALLY cuddle with her afterwards because she obviously is emotionally attached to you.   But if you know a girl that is with a loser, he probably did like Eddie Murphy said and made her say “whoo-ooooo-ooooo!!!”

Now ladies, don’t think that men are the only ones passing out bad sex.  If you are just laying there waiting to be pleased – kill yo’self!  If you think that the guy you are banging should just be glad that you let him hit that, then shame on you – I hope he comes quick and leaves you there.  Here’s a public announcement:  MEN FAKE IT TOO.  And for the same reasons.  They don’t want to hurt your feelings, or they just have other things on their mind.  Sometimes, they are just tired and didn’t realized it until halfway through.  Or, you could be BORING.  Don’t think that you don’t have to put in work too, girls!  Guys are up there holding themselves up with their arms, working their abs and lower back, trying to hit that one spot that makes you make that one noise, and trying to look cool while doing it.  That’s a LOT!  The least you could do is move your hips or get involved!  Flip over and ride him or something!  Let him know that you want to be there as much as he does.  Oh – but guys: if a girl is riding you, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, think that it is cool to put your hands behind your head.  That shyt is NOT funny.  But women like to know that what they are doing is appreciated too.  So you can stop all that stoic “I ain’t makin’ a sound” nonsense.  We wanna hear the “whooo-ooo-oooo” too!   As a matter of fact, vocalizing in bed can make it more intense for both parties (even if the neighbors report you later).   But women, if you suspect faking, or if he is seeming disinterested, cook him a roast or something!  Or better yet, let him watch the game in peace. 

*My gift to men: if you want to know if your woman is faking it, try to go down on her AFTER her screaming and shouting dies down.  If she tries to stop you, but a second later lets you go down, then what you have just seen was an Oscar-worthy performance.  If she tries to stop you and it ends with her punching you in the top of your head and yelling “stop, dammit!”  – yeah, that was the real deal.  And the beauty of this test is that either way you are boosting your status.  If it was fake, you now have a chance to get a real one.  If it was real, then your work is done and you are the man!

*My gift to women:  if you want a man to please you, learn to please your damn self!  There are so many women that are so hung up on touching themselves “down there”.  I mean, the simple fact that you say “down there” implies a serious emotional immaturity.  Know yourself.  Love yourself.  Literally.  How can you tell a man where to kiss and touch, if you don’t even know?  You are just setting him up to fail and that’s not fair.  Get in touch with your feminine side!!!  And if you think I am nasty for suggesting this, then you have more issues that I can help you with.  Get some therapy.  And then get a rabbit.  No, not a pet!!!  And men: if your woman has a vibrator – let her have it!!!  You get to play “rub and tug” in the shower, let her have a little ‘girl time’ too! 

*My next gift to men:  the Fine Art of Dining Out:  I had reservations about adding this, but my friends voted yes.  Here goes:  There are a few tricks that you can use to guarantee a big O during cunnilingus.  1) Find out what cunnilingus is.  If you don’t know – you suck!  How do you not know this term?!?!  Just kidding. 2) start off kissing her, and playing with her girly parts (this is a public forum, gotta keep it mostly PG13. 3) when you get down there, hook your arms under her thighs, rest your weight on your elbows (NOT on her thighs), use your fingers to pull the folds of skin away from the “little button” and start to lick in short, quick strokes – but only on ONE spot.  If you hit the RIGHT spot, you will hear some confirmation from her (or she will buck up, but that’s good).   Keep trying slightly different spots until you get that confirmation.  4) Stay on that spot!!!  Do not go dancing around down there.  There is no point to licking ANY OTHER SPOT!  When you do go gallivanting around, all you are doing is making more work for yourself, because every time you come back to the right spot, you are going to have to start over.  5) After a few minutes (and I mean only 2 or 3) she should be close to the O.  Stay the course – switching up your stroke is a MISTAKE.  Let her get there, and just hold on and try not to get your neck snapped.  After that, it’s going to be so over sensitized that any more sucking or licking will hurt.  So stop.  You are dangerously close to getting punched in the head. 
…… You’re welcome. 

You know what makes me mad?  The fact that so many men already know this, and yet so many other men DON’T.  Why don’t you guys share best practices?!  Girls do it all the time!   I used to know a guy that was awesome at this.  And yes, girls talk about that too.  And I asked him why he didn’t teach a class or something.  His response was that he wasn’t going to help another dude up his game.  But why not!?!??!  He’d be doing a service to women all over the world!!  That’s just selfish!! LOL!  And I would give tips to women in the other direction, but … no.  But that’s different.

Rant #14 done, and I’m out. 

PS: A little something for you to ponder.  This woman is the truth!  (Don’t watch at work though).

Joy’s Rant List Volume 13: My Summer Vacation @ Disney

Okay, I know I said the next set of rants would be about sex and relationships, but I wanted to kick this out real quick-like.  I am going to tell you why NONE of you should come to Orlando until the next ice age.  I also am going to give examples of some of the best parenting I have seen in recent years.  I just had to share….

So, my friend Anitra had a line sister (Qiana) in town, and they decided to go to Disney.  Because Anitra is my road dawg, she invited me along.  I had nothin’ to do, so hey – why not?  We had a free hook up, so it was all good (no, you can NOT get this hook up if you come here).  I meet Anitra and ‘nem, and we all roll into Disney’s Hollywood Studios…..

30 minutes after we got out of the car, I had sweated through my t-shirt.  My hair was sticking to me and I was miserable.  I look over at Qiana, and she is crying.  …. Oh wait, no, that’s sweat rolling down her face.  The heat index was ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT DEGREES!!!  It was hotter than a muthaphuka!!! I was so hot, I got mad.  I wanted to fight!  You ever been so hot, you started to think that if you just stayed still, you wouldn’t be hot no more?  But it was free Disney, so I sucked it up and we headed to the Tower of Terror. 

When we got on the ride, there were some little kids in the compartment with us.  Apparently Bay-Bay had decided to treat her kids to a day at Disney.  As soon as the doors on the ride shut and the thing started moving, these little bastards started yelling “Phuk this shyt!” over and over again.  This is not the first time that I have thought about fighting little children in public.  I decided that this time, I wasn’t going to just say “those kids need some spankings”.  I decided to follow them back to their parents.  When they rejoined their group, I pulled an adult to the side (the one that looked the most like e’rybody’s mama) and told her what the kids were saying on the ride.  She stopped smiling and thanked me for the information.  She said “see, that kind of stuff makes us all look bad”. She then proceeded to snatch the kids up by the collar.  I walked away.  My work there was done.  But I was geeked for another few hours about getting them in trouble!  LOL!  …. But it was still hot as hell outside.  As a matter of fact, I think I saw the devil with a soda in his hand. 

What this mother did reminded me of another mother that I’d seen before at Universal Studios.  (cue flashback music)….  There were these two teens walking around in their bikini tops, with their bottoms showing out from their jeans, which they had UNBUTTONED to show them off.  I guess they thought their mother wouldn’t be on that side of the park.  They passed the spot where I was sitting two or three times, trying really hard to get attention from any boy who walked by.  When I walked up on a random crowd a little later, I was surprised to see the two girls standing in the middle, with their jeans around their knees – crying.  Their mother had found them switching around with their pants undone, and decided to MAKE them be nekkid, since they wanted to BE nekkid so badly.  I don’t know what she was saying to them because she was yelling at them in Spanish, but she was making them stand there so everyone walking by could look at their bikinis.  I thought this was hilarious!!  (back to the present)….

It’s still freaking HOT at Disney.  Anitra had the great idea of walking from air-conditioned shop to air-conditioned shop to get around the park.  At one point, Qiana just put ice IN her bra.  We called her ‘ice chest’.  🙂  We made our way over to Animal Kingdom to go ride the Everest rollercoaster, which was SHUT DOWN when we got there. So we went to see 4 different shows that were in dark cool areas, just waiting on it to start back up.  After a while, we went back to the ride and decided to just hang out in front of one of the area fans while the workers got the ride working again. While we were there, a family with a baby in a stroller came up to share the fan with us.  Why do people bring tiny babies to Disney?  They won’t remember it, and you still have to pay $50 to get them in. WASTE. OF. MONEY.

It is a patently STUPID idea to bring a baby to a theme park in Florida in June.  The mother had a little fan running on the baby – one of those automatic misting joints.  The baby was asleep and looking so adorable….until the fan cut off.  The baby woke up maybe 5 seconds later, looking confused, like someone had just punched her in the mouth.  She started to whine (can’t blame her there) and she actually tried to push the fan blades around to make it rotate!!  This is a 10-month old child, and even SHE knows that it’s just too freaking hot to be outside!  The look on her face said: “Why am I out here in this heat?  I thought you loved me, why would you do me like this?  Why did the fan stop?  Make it go!  Make it go!”  Poor child…  LOL! 

Note:  This is NOT an example of good parenting, but I did volunteer to take a picture of the family with their camera.  And then they went and stood in the line for the ride, out in the hot-assed sun, for another 20 minutes. When the line started to move, we waited for them to get to the front and then walked up on them like “heyyy!!!”.  I am brilliant.

Later, another all-American family with two toddlers came up.  One of the kids saw the kiosk selling motorized misting fans, and he started to beg his dad to buy him one.  The dad said, and I quote:  “Why don’t you use your OWN money?  What did you do with your allowance?”  I LOVE THAT DAD!  I actually forgot that I was speaking out loud and said “You tell ’em dad!  That’s what I’M talking about!”  He gave me a nervous smile – I guess he didn’t know if I was kidding or serious.  I was dead serious.  Stop beggin’, you little bastard!!  If he just GAVE you some money, why are you ASKING for money?

We finally stopped to get something to eat in the African section of Animal Kingdom.  The food was so GOOD!  And the air was on so we didn’t want to leave.  It was buffet style, so we just sat there and ate.  And ate.  And drank a little water.  And ate.  And then got another plate.  It was gluttony, pure and simple.  I actually got so full that I was trying to take a bite out of a cookie and my teeth would not close down on it.  We walked out into the heat again, and Qiana said that she didn’t want to breathe, because she didn’t want to let the hot air into her mouth.  That was the funniest thing I’d heard all day!!

So, just so you remember – do NOT come down to Orlando, any time between Memorial Day and Labor Day.  You will fry like an egg.  And beat your kids in public – it makes the rest of us laugh!!

Have a magical week.  And enjoy the South Park link below, showing how Mickey really gets down when no one is looking….

Joy’s Rant List Volume 12: Journey to the Center of the Earth (Texas)

Okay, this is kind of a “pseudo-rant”.  It will be a little stroll through the mind of Joy – as a GRIT (Girl Raised In Texas).  All through college, my friends who were not from Texas thought I was wild and crazy and had strange ways of doing things.  Now, some of my friends were able to observe other Texans, and maybe see how I got to be the way that I am.  I am going to describe what happened over my weekend in Texas to you, and maybe you will understand me a little better.  You really should visit Houston – it’s awesome.  But no, fellow Houstonians, I am still not moving back.

Joy Observation # 1: Fashion and Style – I used to wear red lipstick in college.  Still do, sometimes.  Most people thought that it was a bold thing to do.  I just thought that everyone wore red lipstick.  Why wouldn’t they? Red is a great color.  And I had at least 3 pairs of boots.  That’s what you wore from November to March: boots.  Cowboy boots, if you were fly.  Gold-tipped cowboy boots if you were fly AND paid.

My friends’ Observation – We went to this club called Grooves on Friday night.  It was your usual club: girls overdressed, guys underdressed, decent music, lots of posturing and bravado.  And then there was Uncle Remus.  Uncle Remus was maybe 40 – 60 years old, hard to tell.  And he was a hardcore Texan.  Meaning he wore cowboy boots to the club.  Not only that – he had a cowboy boot around his neck on a chain.  Wait – let me expound on that.  He had a NEON GLOWING cowboy boot on a chain.  And the chain glowed neon too.  And it changed colors.  And the colors that it switched to were NOT the same colors as the boot.  And the boot was not a medallion.  It looked like maybe a toddler’s boot – size four.  And whatever made it glow was inside it.  It was a magic boot!  LMAO!

Now, in light of what passes for a necklace (cuz remember, everything’s bigger in Texas), that red lipstick makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?  Side note:  I still love boots.

Joy Observation #2 Food Standards  – I am convinced that nobody on the planet does BBQ like my daddy.  Growing up, I thought that BBQ sauce was for bread.  Or for other people’s chicken.  But ribs? Aw hell naw!  You don’t mess up the flavor of good BBQ ribs with some ol’ stupid sauce!!!  Blasphemy!  I had some ribs in Memphis once that were award-winning…. HOT GARBAGE.  You have not had good ribs until you eat at Chez Stephens.  This is another reason that I don’t eat at soul food joints, and I usually eat seafood at restaurants.

My friends’ Observation – So on Saturday, we went to my house for lunch after our spa massage (and I can’t believe I spent $75 to get beat with a sock full of hot rocks…).  Dad had barbecued the weekend prior and frozen all the meat to save for us.  On the way there, one of my friends says that she just hopes that she can finally find a place with good BBQ sauce.  I tell her, as gently as I can, that she will not get that at my house.  We don’t use sauce.  There may be some in the house somewhere, but don’t count on it.  I got the “whatever” face from her…. 

We get home, and Dad forgot to take the food out of the freezer, so I am defrosting chicken and ribs in the microwave – and since it’s in there, I might as well heat it up too.  This same friend said that she doesn’t eat food out of the microwave.  Uh huh.  Okay.  Don’t eat it then.  I take a FORK and tear the chicken into parts.  I PULL THE BONES out of the ribs and cut the meat with a regular steak knife.  My sister had made potato salad and “killer beans”.  The beans are my mother’s recipe, and are so named because people have fought and died over them before (legend has it).  Again – these may look like BBQ baked beans on the surface, but they are SO much better, and again – no BBQ sauce.  That is for punks!  So here are some things that happened that afternoon:

1)  Dara tells us that she doesn’t eat chicken – she is a vegetarian that only eats fish at the most.  But Dara ate about ½ a chicken.

2)  Valencia doesn’t eat potato salad – her mother has been trying to get her to eat it since she was little and she has resisted for 30+ years.  But she went back for seconds on the potato salad.  And she fought with Anitra over the chicken leg that got snatched while the food was in the kitchen.

3)  Moni (the one who doesn’t eat food out the microwave) ate ½ a chicken as well, and got permission from my dad to come back whenever she wants more, since she lives in Houston. 

4)  We won’t even discuss the colossal shrimp that I fried up (big as your thumb, from tip to WRIST).  My sister didn’t even get any shrimp.  Apparently, the mixture of BBQ chicken and fried shrimp was intoxicating to my friends.

5)  Anitra risked a cardiac infarction to eat “just one more bite”.  We are glad she made it through…

6)  The next day I flew home, taking 4 slabs of ribs with me.  The security guard at the checkpoint stopped the conveyor belt and asked: “Is someone bringing RIBS back?!?”  I held up my hand “That would be me!!”  By Sunday night, I was already back in Orlando, ribs in hand.  Valencia and the rest of them were still in Houston… These chicks CALLED ME and ASKED ME to call MY DADDY and see if they could roll back through – WITHOUT ME!!!  Unfortunately, he had packed the remaining food in my duffle bag.  They were heartbroken.  And they decided then and there that we needed to come back to Houston for a longer trip – catered by Daddy, of course.

Now if my daddy’s BBQ can turn a vegetarian around, it’s understandable that my standards on BBQ are high, right?  Suck on THAT, Memphis!!!  LOL!!

Joy Observation #4: Dancing Machine!!  – I used to dance really hard in college – it was almost a competition.  Okay it REALLY was a competition on the dance floor.  Jeans, sneakers and a baseball cap – the party outfit.  I liked to act silly and dance until I sweated my hair out. I never noticed that the other Spelman girls were not doing this….

My Friends’ Observation – every girl in the place that was on the dance floor was KILLING it.  Sun dress, high heels, fly haircut – whatever!  They played “Bounce for the Juvenile” and this girl was doing the P-pop in a pair of spike-heeled sandals! I had to give her some dap for that!  And we were all doing moves from old videos (they played Whodini’s One Love!)  And there was a contingent of girls who were just chilling and dancing off in the corner – we were in that camp.  Dressed up enough to be cute, but comfortable enough to dance as much as we wanted to.  And some guys were dancing, but those that weren’t were at least doing the lyrics and nodding their heads…. But then…..  Sigh…

There ARE some rules as to how hard you can dance in the club. Even I know this.  Sometimes you can dance TOO hard.  It’s like, if you are in a cute outfit, you can do it for a little while and make a statement and quit.  If you are dressed down, in capris or jeans or something, then you can go all night.  But if you are in a cute outfit, you should NOT dance all night. Why? Because most cute outfits are made of synthetic materials that don’t breathe.  And so you are going to sweat a LOT.  This one girl – in a rayon dress – was dancing like a washed up stripper.  She just kept strutting up and down the dance floor with her shoes in her hand, dropping it like it was hot (and it was… a Hot Ass Mess!!!) And she stank, y’all. She stank for real.  And when she flopped down on the couch (she was pretty big) – a puff of funk just came up out of her.  If I had to guess, I’d say she wore that dress before and didn’t wash it between wearings.  That’s what it smelled like.  Valencia would have been sick, but she didn’t want to lose that good chicken that she had eaten.  But in summary, take a bath.  Every day.

So, at any rate, now you understand why I like to dance hard, only eat my dad’s food, and wear loud colors and sexy lipstick.  That’s how we roll in the great state of Texas!!!! 

“The stars at night…are big and bright, CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! Deep in the hearrrt, of TEXAS!!!”

Rant Volume 12 done, and I’m out.  … And no, you can’t have any of my ribs!!!

PS – Be on the lookout for my 3-or-4 part series of rants on men, women, sex and relationships.  Coming soon!!!

Joy’s Rant List Volume 11: Co-workers, and the TMI pandemic:

Okay, you all know how this goes:  you come into the office on Monday, and your coworker comes around the corner and says “hey”.  You respond with “Hey, how ya doin’?”  And then you sit there for the next 20 minutes wondering how they gleaned from those four words that you wanted to hear all the intimate details of their last 3 days.  When this happens, all I hear in my head is “Zebra…Monkey…Ashy Larry…”   So WHAT you went out on Friday night, got drunk and ended up on Youtube?  I don’t care!  You should know by now that Jagermeister is NOT your friend.  And we are both in our 30’s – so why are you still carrying on like a frat boy on the weekends? 

Look, I know that in the past, I have expressed an interest in some of the things you did on the weekend.  But I was being polite.  I could really give a damn.  No, really – if you never come over here again and tell me about your weekend, my life will not be affected in the slightest.  It might actually improve!  If I wanted to know all about your spectacular weekend, I would come over to YOUR cube and ASK YOU.  …… Wait, is that why you are over here? Are you trying to find out what I did for the weekend?  That’s none of your business, you nosey bastard!  Why you all up in mine?!?!  What I do on the weekends is MY business, not the company’s.  And I’ll be damned if I’ll say one word.  Because all you are going to do is go back to the other coworkers and tell them “Guess what JOY did this weekend!!!”  Look, here’s $5.00.  Go down to the corner store and buy yourself a life, and some business to get into.  With the advent of FB, and Twitter, why do you even NEED to know what I did over the weekend?  Don’t you have 400 FB friends like everyone else?  (No? Loser!)  If I wanted everyone to know what I did on Saturday, I would print up the details and post them in the cafeteria.  I don’t need you as a town crier.  And I am not – repeat NOT – going to go drinking with you and the others this weekend.  Because regardless of the fact that you got pissy drunk, all anybody will hear on Monday is the fact that JOY was out drinking.  I don’t need that aggravation. 

Yo, why are you trying so hard to get me to hang with y’all?  So you can feel cool?  You aren’t.  That’s why I won’t hang with you.  Do you REALLY think that just because I play video games, that I want to engage in LARP (Live Action Role Play) with you and your geeky friends?  [Editor’s note: for those who don’t know, LARP is when nerds dress up in wizard costumes and go out in the woods and play pretend.]  Black people, as a rule, don’t go out in the woods.  Period.  Not even to camp.  So stop asking.  And no, you can’t have my PS3 user id.  I’m not your friend.  As a matter of fact, I’m not even your coworker – don’t you work downstairs?  Why are you always up here?

Oh, so your daughter graduated from day care?  That’s…awesome.  How do you graduate from day care, anyway?  Do you learn to potty?  I’m so happy for you and your potty-friendly wunderkind.  No, I don’t want to see pic… yeah…she’s, um, precious!  I love that 2-inch mole on her cheek – makes her look like Angelina, I agree.   You say she’s talking now?  That’s great!  Wasn’t she supposed to start talking way before she graduated from day care?  Just asking.  No, no, I’m sure she is just developing on her own schedule.  That helmet goes great with that outfit anyway.  …Ballet class, yes, I can see that she would be a natural.  I am sure that that big left shoe gives her more stability and balance.  No, I’m not laughing at your kid, I just thought of something funny my friend said.  Ha. Ha.  Hahahaha..  Yeah, my friend sure is funny!!   Excuse me, now, I have to get back to counting these post-its.  The boss is waiting on my final count.  Busy busy busy…..

Gee, I didn’t realize that they could now perform colostomies in outpatient clinics.  And you … you came all the way over here to show me this.  On your…camcorder….Wow, and you recorded it in HD video too.  Greeaaat.  Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and try to vomit these images out of my head.  

Sigh…..The cure for all of this?  Well, you can’t actually tell them to go to hell, because that will brand you as “anti-social”.  It’s a career-limiting move, trust me.  Ironically enough, this is the upside to H1N1 Swine Flu.  When your coworkers  come around today, SNEEZE on ‘em.  And just keep sneezing and coughing until they leave.  Or, YOU leave and go hide in the bathroom for a while.  And speaking of the bathroom:  Why do people pass up the 7 empty stalls in the room to take up the one next to mine?  This is ME time.  I need peace and privacy!!  Plus, I don’t wanna hear what’s going on with YOU either!!!  One stall in between!  Respect the distance!!!  And courtesy-flush!!  As many times as needed!  And stop trying to hold a conversation with me.  If I don’t want to talk to you at my desk, I DAYUM sho’ don’t want to talk to you in the bathroom!  And wash yo’ phuking hands when you leave!  Sigh… BUT – The bathroom is actually a good place to stake out, to figure out who you need to stop accepting handouts from.   And stop shaking their hand.  And don’t ever eat the food they bring for parties.

Oh and by the way, if you are reading this at work, you might want to stop sharing this with your coworkers.  Because they are going to figure out that it’s THEM I am referring to, and get offended.  Then they will dime you out to your boss and it will go in your personnel file.  Gasp!  Watch out, he’s behind you!

Rant Vol. 11 done, and I’m out.

PS – for those who didn’t get the “Zebra, Monkey, Ashy Larry” reference, it’s a Chappelle Show episode, where he talks about being distracted when people talk to him.  It ends with him thinking about being a rapper…with a gimmick.  See link below… (and go buy all his DVD’s!).  Don’t watch this at work.  You will regret it……..