Okay, you all know how this goes: you come into the office on Monday, and your coworker comes around the corner and says “hey”. You respond with “Hey, how ya doin’?” And then you sit there for the next 20 minutes wondering how they gleaned from those four words that you wanted to hear all the intimate details of their last 3 days. When this happens, all I hear in my head is “Zebra…Monkey…Ashy Larry…” So WHAT you went out on Friday night, got drunk and ended up on Youtube? I don’t care! You should know by now that Jagermeister is NOT your friend. And we are both in our 30’s – so why are you still carrying on like a frat boy on the weekends?
Look, I know that in the past, I have expressed an interest in some of the things you did on the weekend. But I was being polite. I could really give a damn. No, really – if you never come over here again and tell me about your weekend, my life will not be affected in the slightest. It might actually improve! If I wanted to know all about your spectacular weekend, I would come over to YOUR cube and ASK YOU. …… Wait, is that why you are over here? Are you trying to find out what I did for the weekend? That’s none of your business, you nosey bastard! Why you all up in mine?!?! What I do on the weekends is MY business, not the company’s. And I’ll be damned if I’ll say one word. Because all you are going to do is go back to the other coworkers and tell them “Guess what JOY did this weekend!!!” Look, here’s $5.00. Go down to the corner store and buy yourself a life, and some business to get into. With the advent of FB, and Twitter, why do you even NEED to know what I did over the weekend? Don’t you have 400 FB friends like everyone else? (No? Loser!) If I wanted everyone to know what I did on Saturday, I would print up the details and post them in the cafeteria. I don’t need you as a town crier. And I am not – repeat NOT – going to go drinking with you and the others this weekend. Because regardless of the fact that you got pissy drunk, all anybody will hear on Monday is the fact that JOY was out drinking. I don’t need that aggravation.
Yo, why are you trying so hard to get me to hang with y’all? So you can feel cool? You aren’t. That’s why I won’t hang with you. Do you REALLY think that just because I play video games, that I want to engage in LARP (Live Action Role Play) with you and your geeky friends? [Editor’s note: for those who don’t know, LARP is when nerds dress up in wizard costumes and go out in the woods and play pretend.] Black people, as a rule, don’t go out in the woods. Period. Not even to camp. So stop asking. And no, you can’t have my PS3 user id. I’m not your friend. As a matter of fact, I’m not even your coworker – don’t you work downstairs? Why are you always up here?
Oh, so your daughter graduated from day care? That’s…awesome. How do you graduate from day care, anyway? Do you learn to potty? I’m so happy for you and your potty-friendly wunderkind. No, I don’t want to see pic… yeah…she’s, um, precious! I love that 2-inch mole on her cheek – makes her look like Angelina, I agree. You say she’s talking now? That’s great! Wasn’t she supposed to start talking way before she graduated from day care? Just asking. No, no, I’m sure she is just developing on her own schedule. That helmet goes great with that outfit anyway. …Ballet class, yes, I can see that she would be a natural. I am sure that that big left shoe gives her more stability and balance. No, I’m not laughing at your kid, I just thought of something funny my friend said. Ha. Ha. Hahahaha.. Yeah, my friend sure is funny!! Excuse me, now, I have to get back to counting these post-its. The boss is waiting on my final count. Busy busy busy…..
Gee, I didn’t realize that they could now perform colostomies in outpatient clinics. And you … you came all the way over here to show me this. On your…camcorder….Wow, and you recorded it in HD video too. Greeaaat. Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and try to vomit these images out of my head.
Sigh…..The cure for all of this? Well, you can’t actually tell them to go to hell, because that will brand you as “anti-social”. It’s a career-limiting move, trust me. Ironically enough, this is the upside to H1N1 Swine Flu. When your coworkers come around today, SNEEZE on ‘em. And just keep sneezing and coughing until they leave. Or, YOU leave and go hide in the bathroom for a while. And speaking of the bathroom: Why do people pass up the 7 empty stalls in the room to take up the one next to mine? This is ME time. I need peace and privacy!! Plus, I don’t wanna hear what’s going on with YOU either!!! One stall in between! Respect the distance!!! And courtesy-flush!! As many times as needed! And stop trying to hold a conversation with me. If I don’t want to talk to you at my desk, I DAYUM sho’ don’t want to talk to you in the bathroom! And wash yo’ phuking hands when you leave! Sigh… BUT – The bathroom is actually a good place to stake out, to figure out who you need to stop accepting handouts from. And stop shaking their hand. And don’t ever eat the food they bring for parties.
Oh and by the way, if you are reading this at work, you might want to stop sharing this with your coworkers. Because they are going to figure out that it’s THEM I am referring to, and get offended. Then they will dime you out to your boss and it will go in your personnel file. Gasp! Watch out, he’s behind you!
Rant Vol. 11 done, and I’m out.
PS – for those who didn’t get the “Zebra, Monkey, Ashy Larry” reference, it’s a Chappelle Show episode, where he talks about being distracted when people talk to him. It ends with him thinking about being a rapper…with a gimmick. See link below… (and go buy all his DVD’s!). Don’t watch this at work. You will regret it……..