I told you all before that the next set of rants would center on relationships. Well, I have been straight STRUGGLING with this. There is SO much to rant about!!! Where to begin? With men? Women? Relationships? Sex?… Well, okay, sex is the easiest to start with. I have edited this again and again, pared it down, reorganized it, and even deleted it and started over. What I then decided to do was break it down to only one aspect of sex. Faking it. It’s so easy. …. To talk about I mean.
First, before I begin, let me state for the record that the stories and other experiences that are written herein are NOT all first-hand. I have talked to countless women about sex in my lifetime, and they’ve got thousands of stories to tell. However, because they would all kick my a$$ if I outed them on FB, I will write these things from a third-person perspective. In other words, all of this stuff didn’t happen to ME. I am just writing about it. Most of you know that I suck at keeping secrets so if you wonder if I did something you see written here, I probably didn’t! So don’t call me and ask me if I ever did blah blah blah. None of your damn business. Default to NO. But this communication needs to happen, so I will take one for the team and try to get some points across (to men AND women). Stick around, you might learn something! And at the rate I am going, I will probably rant about this for the rest of the summer. LOL!
Story : He’s Just Not That Into You… Because it won’t reach….
So, “Girl B” had a guy that she had been dating for a while. She really liked him, and he had a lot going for him, and she thought they had a chance at love. But when they finally got around to doing it, he was small. Like, pre-teen small. She felt bad that he couldn’t satisfy her, so she faked her O’s. She tried to give him encouragement, but she made the mistake once of crying out how good it was and he wasn’t even in. (Editor’s note: ROTFLMAO!!!) So naturally, the conversation happened where he asked her if she had been faking the whole time – the answer was yes – and he then broke up with her. It was sad, because she was digging him in other ways and would have just been okay with mediocre sex if she could be with him (Editor’s note: WTF?!!) But he said that she was a liar and he couldn’t be with a liar. So naturally, she put out a BDR on him (Bad Dick Report). How’s THAT for honesty?
Guys should try to avoid the BDR at all costs. If you think that women gossip about each other nonstop, you should hear what we talk about when you CAN’T hear us!! You would be shocked! Know this: if you are bad in bed, and a woman is not emotionally attached to you, she WILL put out a BDR on you. And it will be almost immediate. If she goes to the bathroom, see if she takes her phone!! LOL! But you can rest assured that somewhere in the next 24 hrs she will be on the wire with her friends: “girl, you won’t believe….” The only thing that can save you from a BDR is her feelings for you. If she likes you, she will stick with you and try to work around it. If she doesn’t like you, she will dime you out. And if you break up with her, and it’s an ugly break-up, and she tells you that she faked it in bed, she’s probably not lying. This is why you shouldn’t have ugly break-ups. And don’t EVER send a breakup text. That is some shullbit. But I’m off topic….
Here’s what I don’t understand – WHY would a guy break up with a girl because she faked her orgasms? I know this guy said that it made the girl a liar, but dayum! I mean, who DOESN’T fake it? I think that he REALLY broke up with her because his ego couldn’t take the idea that he was not Mandingo in bed…..Side Note: Everyone really needs to see the movie Mandingo. It’s really about this slave who got caught up in a bad situation with his master’s wife. And then she had a black baby. And then they BOILED HIM ALIVE. Never in any part of the movie do they mention that Mandingo is hung low or swinging to his knees or anything. Somehow, we just made that up. But guys – do you REALLY want to be Mandingo? He went out like a sucka!
So what I also have to wonder about is this – has this guy NEVER gotten constructive criticism in bed? Have women been faking it with him his whole life? Or was it just that he couldn’t satisfy this one? I mean, if he has a toddler penis, then I am inclined to believe it was the former. Some guys go through life not knowing that they suck in bed because they are rich or powerful or some other thing. It’s this other thing that makes women want to stay despite the bad sex, and hopefully get the ring and a piece of that prize. This might also be why high-powered women are seen as frigid or bitches. Maybe they don’t need to stroke your ego because….what the hell for? LOL!
Guys, size DOES matter. Anyone that says different either is lying to you to make you feel better, or is okay with your size. In either of these instances, just shut up and stop asking stupid questions. If a girl says your size is cool with her, then it is. If you have wondered, and you are dying to know without having to ask anyone in person, I will tell you this: 6” x 2.5” is good enough. And 9” x 4” is a hysterectomy.
But just because your size is cool with her doesn’t mean you are knocking it out the park. That is very hard to do, I won’t lie to you. A friend of mine told me that it’s hard to FIND a good man in bed because it’s hard to BE a good man in bed. There are so many things to keep in the air (pun totally intended). Your best bet for a “mighty O” is to take a trip down under. And if you are not hitting on all switches there either, women will fake that too. Women fake it for a number of reasons. She may be tired. She may be looking at you and thinking “Wow, he’s trying really hard…. I’ll let him off the hook.” She may be thinking that you normally do pretty well and one of you is having an off night, so why make you work extra hard? She knows that you will get her next time. Now here’s the kicker: you may be doing the same thing that you always do to make her holler – but she is just not getting there. She may know that you won’t stop until she gets hers, and it’s just not happening tonight so…. “ohh, ohh, yeah…. Shazamm! That was great, now get off me…” I know a girl who said she pissed her husband off because he was doing his thing, but she was trying to learn the lyrics to a song in her head and she wasn’t focused. I know another girl who got caught watching Comic View in the mirror from the bed. LOL! But never fear – if she is letting you tap it, then either she cares for you a lot, or you regularly knock it out the park. And men, if you suspect faking, you should TOTALLY cuddle with her afterwards because she obviously is emotionally attached to you. But if you know a girl that is with a loser, he probably did like Eddie Murphy said and made her say “whoo-ooooo-ooooo!!!”
Now ladies, don’t think that men are the only ones passing out bad sex. If you are just laying there waiting to be pleased – kill yo’self! If you think that the guy you are banging should just be glad that you let him hit that, then shame on you – I hope he comes quick and leaves you there. Here’s a public announcement: MEN FAKE IT TOO. And for the same reasons. They don’t want to hurt your feelings, or they just have other things on their mind. Sometimes, they are just tired and didn’t realized it until halfway through. Or, you could be BORING. Don’t think that you don’t have to put in work too, girls! Guys are up there holding themselves up with their arms, working their abs and lower back, trying to hit that one spot that makes you make that one noise, and trying to look cool while doing it. That’s a LOT! The least you could do is move your hips or get involved! Flip over and ride him or something! Let him know that you want to be there as much as he does. Oh – but guys: if a girl is riding you, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, think that it is cool to put your hands behind your head. That shyt is NOT funny. But women like to know that what they are doing is appreciated too. So you can stop all that stoic “I ain’t makin’ a sound” nonsense. We wanna hear the “whooo-ooo-oooo” too! As a matter of fact, vocalizing in bed can make it more intense for both parties (even if the neighbors report you later). But women, if you suspect faking, or if he is seeming disinterested, cook him a roast or something! Or better yet, let him watch the game in peace.
*My gift to men: if you want to know if your woman is faking it, try to go down on her AFTER her screaming and shouting dies down. If she tries to stop you, but a second later lets you go down, then what you have just seen was an Oscar-worthy performance. If she tries to stop you and it ends with her punching you in the top of your head and yelling “stop, dammit!” – yeah, that was the real deal. And the beauty of this test is that either way you are boosting your status. If it was fake, you now have a chance to get a real one. If it was real, then your work is done and you are the man!
*My gift to women: if you want a man to please you, learn to please your damn self! There are so many women that are so hung up on touching themselves “down there”. I mean, the simple fact that you say “down there” implies a serious emotional immaturity. Know yourself. Love yourself. Literally. How can you tell a man where to kiss and touch, if you don’t even know? You are just setting him up to fail and that’s not fair. Get in touch with your feminine side!!! And if you think I am nasty for suggesting this, then you have more issues that I can help you with. Get some therapy. And then get a rabbit. No, not a pet!!! And men: if your woman has a vibrator – let her have it!!! You get to play “rub and tug” in the shower, let her have a little ‘girl time’ too!
*My next gift to men: the Fine Art of Dining Out: I had reservations about adding this, but my friends voted yes. Here goes: There are a few tricks that you can use to guarantee a big O during cunnilingus. 1) Find out what cunnilingus is. If you don’t know – you suck! How do you not know this term?!?! Just kidding. 2) start off kissing her, and playing with her girly parts (this is a public forum, gotta keep it mostly PG13. 3) when you get down there, hook your arms under her thighs, rest your weight on your elbows (NOT on her thighs), use your fingers to pull the folds of skin away from the “little button” and start to lick in short, quick strokes – but only on ONE spot. If you hit the RIGHT spot, you will hear some confirmation from her (or she will buck up, but that’s good). Keep trying slightly different spots until you get that confirmation. 4) Stay on that spot!!! Do not go dancing around down there. There is no point to licking ANY OTHER SPOT! When you do go gallivanting around, all you are doing is making more work for yourself, because every time you come back to the right spot, you are going to have to start over. 5) After a few minutes (and I mean only 2 or 3) she should be close to the O. Stay the course – switching up your stroke is a MISTAKE. Let her get there, and just hold on and try not to get your neck snapped. After that, it’s going to be so over sensitized that any more sucking or licking will hurt. So stop. You are dangerously close to getting punched in the head.
…… You’re welcome.
You know what makes me mad? The fact that so many men already know this, and yet so many other men DON’T. Why don’t you guys share best practices?! Girls do it all the time! I used to know a guy that was awesome at this. And yes, girls talk about that too. And I asked him why he didn’t teach a class or something. His response was that he wasn’t going to help another dude up his game. But why not!?!??! He’d be doing a service to women all over the world!! That’s just selfish!! LOL! And I would give tips to women in the other direction, but … no. But that’s different.
Rant #14 done, and I’m out.
PS: A little something for you to ponder. This woman is the truth! (Don’t watch at work though).