Joy’s Rant List, Volume 10: Don’t Worry, Be Happy! …. Or at least Shutdafukup!!!

DISCLAIMER: this rant does not apply to truly sad occurrences, or to really serious problems. My love and prayers go out to all of the people who have a heavy heart right now. Peace and blessings unto you. Now for the rest of you……

This one has been years in the making. I know you all will be feeling me on this. At least….my HAPPY friends will. You see, there are two kinds of people in the world: the happys and the unhappys.

I am a happy person. I try to treat others in a manner that will either help them express their internal happiness, or get a little bit closer to actually being happy. I spread love (no snickering, you nasty bastards!). I try to make people laugh. I try to make them think a little more clearly. I try to reason with them. Usually, this investment brings me a return of even more happiness, as it is a contagious entity. Most of you who are reading this are happy people. That’s why you are my friends!!! Even some of you who try to resist my chronically happy ways are now a little happier since we’ve been friends.

But then there are those unhappy people out there. The ones who complain ALL THE GYOTDAYUM TIME. OMFG – what are you so pissed off about? Why must you continually try to INFECT my personal space with your negativity? Get your unhappy ass out of my area! For real! I mean, I can take a lot… Cynicism – no problem. Make a witty comment and we can both laugh about it. Anger – hell yeah! Let’s get pissed together and then get drunk and go get revenge and then laugh about it later. Pessimism – I can dig it. Sometimes things truly DON’T look good, but don’t let it last too long to where it becomes a perpetual state of existence. But the killer – that general attitude of “woe is me”…? DUDE! (Or dudette) SHUTDAFUKUP!!!!

Nobody wants to hear you bitch and moan about your stupid problems like you are the ONLY one in the HISTORY OF THE MUTHAFUKIN WORLD to have some bad experiences. Shyt happens. To good and bad people alike. God has a plan but sometimes that plan ain’t got nothin’ to do with why your boss is trying to fire you. Maybe you suck at your job! Maybe if you didn’t spend half the day complaining about all the shyt your boss asked you to do, you could GET IT DONE and keep your job! Maybe if you weren’t FACEBOOKING at work RIGHT NOW, you would have a little more job security!!! (Stepped on some toes, didn’t I?) And if you hate your job so much, then WHY are you complaining about losing it!!?? Weren’t you the same sum-bich who last week said you were going to quit if your boss asked you to do one more dayum thing??!! Look at it as an opportunity to go do something you like. And then be happy doing that! Or at least shutdafukup!

My knee is bad. It won’t bend. I can’t sit Indian style. These things don’t bother me. At all. You know why? Because I can’t do anything about it, and I can still walk. And so can you. All of you and all the people you know are walking and breathing. Or rolling and breathing. For everyone who thinks they have a raw deal in life – hey, you are THINKING. You are not in a coma! Thank God for that. Seriously. You could TOTALLY be there. For everyone of us who has a bad knee, there is someone with no leg. For every amputee, there is someone who is a double or triple amputee. And beyond that, shyt gets really sad and I don’t want to bring everyone down. Because I am a happy person and I don’t dwell on the bad things. And I will live longer for it, gimp knee and all!!

I know the economy is bad. We are in a recession. Folks is broke. Money is tight. But guess what? You are on FACEBOOK reading this. That means that you have a computer AND internet access. There are people who are not eating tonight. You can’t decide if you want to be healthy and eat a salad, or eat that burger. Jam that burger in your mouth and (wait for it…) shutdafukup!

I could really not give less than half of a dayum about the problems you are having with your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/child/parent. Aside from the parent/child relationship, the others are all chosen. You CHOSE to be there. So choose to not be there. Everyone has bad relationships. We’ve all been dumped by someone who we thought was “the one”. We’ve all found someone cheating. We’ve all done something to screw up a good thing and later wished we could take it back. That’s just life. Your example – no matter how bizarre – is still just a regular example of shyt that happens every day. YOU AIN’T SPECIAL! Deal with the pain of the ended relationship and then go build a bridge – so you can GET OVER IT. And if you find that you are inconsolable and your world is coming to an end…. Shutdafukup. Ain’t nobody trying to hear that shyt. Go take a nap. OH! And for my friend who was upset that her boyfriend was a measly 6.5” or 7” and was thinking about dumping him for THAT REASON ALONE…BYTCH that is REGULAR! What the hell kinda Mandingoes have YOU been dealing with? Be glad you have a good man that loves you and wants to treat you right and puh-leeze shutdafukup about that shyt right dere!!! I outed you on purpose, so the rest of my readers could tell you how stupid that shyt was. Ugh!

Now as for the kids and parents: if you are a parent – it’s YOUR dayum fault that your kid is out of control! You’ve been there with them since BIRTH!! So who else is more responsible for the phuk-up that little Timmy has become than you? Don’t come crying to me about how you can’t make them mind, or you can’t believe they went and did some shullbit that ironically mirrors some shyt YOU did when you were their age. Or when did they grow up so fast, or – my favorite – I’m not ready to be old yet! You are a PARENT. You are, by the very definition of the word, in the prior generation!! YOU ARE OLD! GET USED TO IT! And GET OVER IT. And shutdafukup about it.

If you are a kid… just shutdafukup.

Rant Volume 10 done, and I’m out.

PS – If you are one of the unhappy people that I mentioned, or you recognize yourself in some reference here, shutdafukup about it and no one will know it was you. A hit dog hollers – remember that.


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