Okay, I know I said the next set of rants would be about sex and relationships, but I wanted to kick this out real quick-like. I am going to tell you why NONE of you should come to Orlando until the next ice age. I also am going to give examples of some of the best parenting I have seen in recent years. I just had to share….
So, my friend Anitra had a line sister (Qiana) in town, and they decided to go to Disney. Because Anitra is my road dawg, she invited me along. I had nothin’ to do, so hey – why not? We had a free hook up, so it was all good (no, you can NOT get this hook up if you come here). I meet Anitra and ‘nem, and we all roll into Disney’s Hollywood Studios…..
30 minutes after we got out of the car, I had sweated through my t-shirt. My hair was sticking to me and I was miserable. I look over at Qiana, and she is crying. …. Oh wait, no, that’s sweat rolling down her face. The heat index was ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT DEGREES!!! It was hotter than a muthaphuka!!! I was so hot, I got mad. I wanted to fight! You ever been so hot, you started to think that if you just stayed still, you wouldn’t be hot no more? But it was free Disney, so I sucked it up and we headed to the Tower of Terror.
When we got on the ride, there were some little kids in the compartment with us. Apparently Bay-Bay had decided to treat her kids to a day at Disney. As soon as the doors on the ride shut and the thing started moving, these little bastards started yelling “Phuk this shyt!” over and over again. This is not the first time that I have thought about fighting little children in public. I decided that this time, I wasn’t going to just say “those kids need some spankings”. I decided to follow them back to their parents. When they rejoined their group, I pulled an adult to the side (the one that looked the most like e’rybody’s mama) and told her what the kids were saying on the ride. She stopped smiling and thanked me for the information. She said “see, that kind of stuff makes us all look bad”. She then proceeded to snatch the kids up by the collar. I walked away. My work there was done. But I was geeked for another few hours about getting them in trouble! LOL! …. But it was still hot as hell outside. As a matter of fact, I think I saw the devil with a soda in his hand.
What this mother did reminded me of another mother that I’d seen before at Universal Studios. (cue flashback music)…. There were these two teens walking around in their bikini tops, with their bottoms showing out from their jeans, which they had UNBUTTONED to show them off. I guess they thought their mother wouldn’t be on that side of the park. They passed the spot where I was sitting two or three times, trying really hard to get attention from any boy who walked by. When I walked up on a random crowd a little later, I was surprised to see the two girls standing in the middle, with their jeans around their knees – crying. Their mother had found them switching around with their pants undone, and decided to MAKE them be nekkid, since they wanted to BE nekkid so badly. I don’t know what she was saying to them because she was yelling at them in Spanish, but she was making them stand there so everyone walking by could look at their bikinis. I thought this was hilarious!! (back to the present)….
It’s still freaking HOT at Disney. Anitra had the great idea of walking from air-conditioned shop to air-conditioned shop to get around the park. At one point, Qiana just put ice IN her bra. We called her ‘ice chest’. 🙂 We made our way over to Animal Kingdom to go ride the Everest rollercoaster, which was SHUT DOWN when we got there. So we went to see 4 different shows that were in dark cool areas, just waiting on it to start back up. After a while, we went back to the ride and decided to just hang out in front of one of the area fans while the workers got the ride working again. While we were there, a family with a baby in a stroller came up to share the fan with us. Why do people bring tiny babies to Disney? They won’t remember it, and you still have to pay $50 to get them in. WASTE. OF. MONEY.
It is a patently STUPID idea to bring a baby to a theme park in Florida in June. The mother had a little fan running on the baby – one of those automatic misting joints. The baby was asleep and looking so adorable….until the fan cut off. The baby woke up maybe 5 seconds later, looking confused, like someone had just punched her in the mouth. She started to whine (can’t blame her there) and she actually tried to push the fan blades around to make it rotate!! This is a 10-month old child, and even SHE knows that it’s just too freaking hot to be outside! The look on her face said: “Why am I out here in this heat? I thought you loved me, why would you do me like this? Why did the fan stop? Make it go! Make it go!” Poor child… LOL!
Note: This is NOT an example of good parenting, but I did volunteer to take a picture of the family with their camera. And then they went and stood in the line for the ride, out in the hot-assed sun, for another 20 minutes. When the line started to move, we waited for them to get to the front and then walked up on them like “heyyy!!!”. I am brilliant.
Later, another all-American family with two toddlers came up. One of the kids saw the kiosk selling motorized misting fans, and he started to beg his dad to buy him one. The dad said, and I quote: “Why don’t you use your OWN money? What did you do with your allowance?” I LOVE THAT DAD! I actually forgot that I was speaking out loud and said “You tell ’em dad! That’s what I’M talking about!” He gave me a nervous smile – I guess he didn’t know if I was kidding or serious. I was dead serious. Stop beggin’, you little bastard!! If he just GAVE you some money, why are you ASKING for money?
We finally stopped to get something to eat in the African section of Animal Kingdom. The food was so GOOD! And the air was on so we didn’t want to leave. It was buffet style, so we just sat there and ate. And ate. And drank a little water. And ate. And then got another plate. It was gluttony, pure and simple. I actually got so full that I was trying to take a bite out of a cookie and my teeth would not close down on it. We walked out into the heat again, and Qiana said that she didn’t want to breathe, because she didn’t want to let the hot air into her mouth. That was the funniest thing I’d heard all day!!
So, just so you remember – do NOT come down to Orlando, any time between Memorial Day and Labor Day. You will fry like an egg. And beat your kids in public – it makes the rest of us laugh!!
Have a magical week. And enjoy the South Park link below, showing how Mickey really gets down when no one is looking….