(Originally Posted on FB Tuesday, January 27, 2009)
I keep getting this list of “25 Random Things About Me” from all my friends. I have thus far refused to do it. Which is ironic, because I am often accused of being the poster child for TMI. But, I decided to go ahead and get it over with – in rant form. The rules say 25 random things. They didn’t say anything about if the random things had to be nice or not. And for the record – just because you got tagged doesn’t mean you have to forward this on to anyone. The buck stops here. I release you from any forwarding obligations! Be free!!! But I digress…
1) I really hate chain mail. Especially the chain mail that says I am going to hell if I don’t forward it. How you gone just condemn me to hell in an electronic missive? Hell is other people. People who send religious threat chain mail get their own section in hell called “Did you really think that would work?”
2) I hate the guys at the mechanics shop who try to flirt with you when all you want to do is get your freaking oil changed. I’m not hating the fact that they are flirting – do you – but I am hating the fact that this 30-minute oil change is taking an hour because some jerk is being unprofessional.
3) I hate when strangers tell me to smile. It’s usually some strange man, walking past me. Dude, I don’t know you!!! Why should I smile for you? Get away from me, you perv!
4) I hate little old ladies in long old cars who can’t see over the steering wheel. For real – they kill people. I remember one driving through a park full of people back when I first moved to Orlando. You hate ’em too, admit it.
5) I hate heat-sealed packages from electronic stores. It takes me longer to get the cable cord, battery pack, mp3 player, or whatever – out of the packaging than it does for me to build it from scratch! Okay that was an exaggeration, but… still. What if I don’t have scissors?! Huh?! What then?!
6) I hate whining, crying, tantrum-throwing kids. If you are not going to whoop them in front of everyone, then take them out of the movies, or church, or whatever. If you ARE going to whoop them, then by all means, stay. That would be fun to watch.
7) I hate it when skinny girls ‘forget to eat’. I want to murder them.
8 ) I hate when ugly dudes try to holler at me. And then tell me that I might be missing my blessing because it’s not in the package I expected. I’mma just miss it then, man.
9) I hate it when people try to get Disney or Universal hook-up tickets from me. Yeah, I said it! I mean, I don’t even work there!!!!
10) I hate that chocolate cake makes you fat. That is just so wrong.
11) I hate when they interrupt my favorite TV show to tell me what’s going on with some news that they could really just recap for me at 11:00. Dude, this is Grey’s Anatomy!!! WTF were you thinking?!?!
12) I hate all fashion violations. See Rant Vol 3 – Dress Code.
13) I hate the self-righteous people in church who look at you like they are better than you. Jesus loves me, this I know! So bite me! (That’s how the song goes, right? It’s not? Hmmm…)
14) I hate the explicit versions of almost all rap songs. They are just SO much better as radio edits! Sensual Seduction is at the top of that list.
15) I hate that as I am typing this, I look up at the TV to see that people are eating dried mud cakes in South Africa because they say it is high in minerals and has no calories. Of course it’s high in minerals – it’s dirt, you jackasses!!! That is just stupid! Do you know how many parasites are in dirt? Sigh…
16) I hate when people ask me where I got my hair. I grew it…. Sigh… See Rant Vol # 1 – Good Hair.
17) I hate paying taxes. I know I have to. I just hate it. Tax returns rule, though! (Hey, I gotta do my taxes…)
18) I hate what Michael Jackson has become. I used to have a crush on him when he was normal. Sigh… he needs a friend. And an electronic collar that shocks him when he gets too close to toddlers.
19) I hate scary supernatural movies where God doesn’t win. You know, when the evil presence is still around, or the good guy/girl dies and you know there will be more mayhem. Great, now I gotta sleep with the light on for 2 months. I quit watching those types of movies.
20) I hate career homeless people – panhandlers who ask for a dollar every day. What happened to the dollar I gave you yesterday? You have a watch on – why haven’t you pawned that yet?
21) I hate reality TV. It’s all scripted, and they are filming “spontaneous events” from several angles. So clearly the ‘players’ know they are on camera.
22) I hate people who are loud in the movies because they think they are witty. Tyler Perry made a FORTUNE without you, he doesn’t need you to add running commentary to his movies to make them better. STFU!!!
23) I hate those hatin’-ass busters who were hating on Barack Obama before he got elected that are now all on his JOCK! Suck it, haters! Looking at you Tavis!!!
24) I hate all videos on YouTube of kids who can’t speak, but can shake it like Beyonce. I also hate all baby Deltas, baby Kappas, baby AKAs, baby Alphas,… you get the picture.
25) I hate parents who complain that violent videogames lead to real-life violence. First of all, why don’t you read the big freaking label on the front that says “MATURE” content?!? Why don’t you tell your kids the difference between right and wrong? Why don’t you get them a book to read instead?
WHY DON’T YOU TURN OFF THE TV AND PLAY WITH THEM YOURSELVES? Whatever happened to red-light-green-light?
There are more things I hate. But I am going to stop at 25 because that was the requirement. If you have something you hate, feel free to let loose!!!
Rant Volume 5 done, and I’m out!