(Originally Posted on FB Thursday, February 5, 2009)
I think I am a homicidal-suicidal maniac. I get the urge at least once a day to not only kill the people in the car next to me, but to use MY car to do it. And if I get taken out in the process, so be it!!! As long as THEY die. Cuz they need to DIE. Cease to be. Live no more. Here’s why they must be exterminated at all costs:
1. STAY IN YO’ PHUKIN’ LANE!!!! Oh my gawd! Why are you over here?!?! I can’t stand it when people hover over the line. There’s no blinker. There’s no real indication that they want to get into my lane. They just keep crossing the line. Habitual line crossers! Oh I see why – you’re on the phone. Well I hope you are talking to your pastor so he can say your last rites. Cuz I am about to speed up and clip you on the bumper, send you into a tailspin and then T-bone you when you spin back around. If I can get your car to flip – bonus! And yes, I may be injured or killed in the process. But you will be dead.
2. GET OFF MY BUMPER, BEYOCH!!! I am already doing 20 over the speed limit because that’s how I roll. So WHY are you all up in my colon with your little 4-cylinder souped up Honda Civic?!?! It’s a phukin’ HONDA CIVIC – NOT a Porche. NOT a BMW. Not even a freakin’ Celica! C-I-V-I-C. If you want to race, pick an empty drag somewhere, not the dayum freeway full of regular drivers. Ain’t nobody even trying to race you!!! We got to get home, and don’t need you flipping your car on the freeway at 100 mph into traffic. Because that’s what will happen when I slam on my breaks and cause you to go from 100 to 0 in 60 milliseconds!! I will cherish your look of shock as the last thing I see when I sacrifice my company car to kill you. But I WILL kill you.
3. PHUK YOU AND YOUR MOTORCYCLE!!! I hate – HATE – it when a motorcycle comes speeding through still traffic, riding the line, passing everyone by. I wish I had a cat in my car so I could throw it out the window when they come by and take them out. And I DARE anyone to prove that I did it! Yeah, tell the cops that I threw a cat at you. And then take that breathalyzer test because you MUST be drunk to think someone threw a CAT at you. But then again, you will be dead anyway! Peace at last. Sleeeep.
4. STAY OUT THE GYOTDAYUM STREET! You don’t even HAVE a car! You are WALKING! I HATE pedestrians who just stroll through the middle of the street like they have bumpers on their asses. I have to remind myself every day that it is wrong to run over old ladies, and kids, and families with strollers. But still – your sign says “don’t walk”. So why are you walking? And the worst ones? Those jackasses who think that I won’t hit ’em. I will DO the time!!! I WILL! It would be SO worth it if I could just one day rev my engine at someone, have them look at me like they just KNOW I am bluffing as they cross the street on MY green light, and then take my foot off the brake and FLOOR it and just watch them go splat! I hope they end up stuck to the windshield so I can look at them and laugh as I drag them down the street!! Come and get me cops! I don’t give a dayum! It was worth it!
Okay, in real life, I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to go to jail. And I would feel terrible (eventually) if I actually killed anyone in any of these ways. And that’s why I don’t do it. But that is the ONLY reason. Oh trust me – they deserve it. And if you are one of these people – don’t let me see you in the street. I will kill you.
Rant Volume 6 done, and I’m out.