Joy’s Rant List, Volume 7: I really…no I mean REALLY…hate children.

(Originally Posted on FB Monday, February 23, 2009)

As I write this, I am surrounded by a bunch of kids that I want to douse with octane and ignite. I am SO upset – with MYSELF. This is MY fault. As a member of Delta Sigma Theta, I vowed to give back to my community. One of the ways I chose to do that is through mentoring teenage kids. Why did I choose that? Why would I bring that on myself? Is it just the masochist in me? Then why not just jab myself in the eye and get it over with? This weekend was the 9th annual Delta GEMS Conference, in Destin, FL. I just spent a weekend with 25 girls ages 14 – 18. It’s the gyotdayum 18-yr-olds that have got me ranting.

I was going to go through how I got to this point, but that is immaterial. I’m here. And I’m pissed. I hate these kids, and I want to kill ‘em. This entire weekend was a seminar (for me) about the positive power of permanent birth control. I have often vacillated between wanting and not wanting to have kids. That is over. I am absolutely sure that I can live the rest of my life without giving birth and raising a child. I am absolutely sure that I can live the rest of my life without the pain, heartache and disrespect that apparently comes part and parcel with being a mother. That being said, let me say some things that I couldn’t say this weekend because threatening bodily harm to another person’s child is a felony offense.

To the seniors that decided that they were too grown to go to the seminars that my other sorors spent so much time organizing: GET YO’ MONKEY ASS OUT THIS HOTEL ROOM AND BACK DOWNSTAIRS BEFORE I BEAT THE BLACK OFF YOU!!!!! How you gone think that saying ‘shhh shhh!’ to each other when you hear me knocking on the door is going to make me go away? How you gone look me in the eye and lie to me about why you are up here? I should punch you in the stomach. I should slap the taste out of your mouth. You are SO ill-equipped to deal with the real world that….

Did you just roll your eyes at me? Oh, don’t make me come across this table on you!!! I will choke you until you are DEAD! You don’t need to live anyway – what the hell are you doing with your life, anyway? You are making D’s and F’s in school, you have no prospects for college and no social skills to even hold a job at McDonald’s. You are a drain on society. AND you are allergic to everything under the sun. You should have died when you were 2!!! I’m just saying… Darwinism is being thwarted by modern medicine. And of all those prescriptions you are taking, why is none of them Lithium or Ritalin? And if you are allergic to bread and soy WHY. THE. PHUK. ARE. YOU. EATING. A PHUKING. HAMBURGER?!?!!? It’s one thing to accidentally eat a peanut in a salad and get sick, but if you are this stupid, then you deserve to die. Better now than in jail in 10 years. Because that’s where you will be if you continue to be a little asshole like you are being right now. Not all criminals end up in jail. But the DUMB ones do, and that is clearly what you are.

And to the prissy little trick-ass-senior who thought that I wouldn’t see through her fake apology: Save the tears for someone who gives a rat’s ass. I don’t. If you start your apology with “I know in your eyes we’ve done something wrong…” STOP. Just…stop. Shutdafugup!!!! How DARE you sit there and give me these crocodile tears. And then you have the nerve…the unmitigated GAUL… to tell me that I’M disrespecting YOU because I wouldn’t let you finish speaking? (10…9…8… awww phuk it!) I don’t HAVE to respect you, you stupid, arrogant, spoiled little beyotch!!! You are only here because the other advisors wouldn’t let me call your mother and make her drive 7 hrs to come get you. We are not peers. I don’t owe you respect – you are supposed to earn it and you clearly haven’t. And you better get used to it because when your future pimp tells you to shutdafugup, you better do it or you’ll be spitting out teeth. Oh, let’s not pretend that we all don’t know that’s where you are headed. I hope you stay cute…

Oh wait… One more thing: To the parents that defend their kids, even when they know their kid needs an ass whooping… to those who try to come at me to ask me what I did to push their kid to acting up “because they are never like that at home”: You know your child is a phuk up and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start saving up money – so you don’t have to get a second mortgage in this jacked up recession – to post bail.

I used to like working with kids but clearly I have reached the end of my endurance. I really tried to help these kids – honestly. But you can’t save ‘em if they don’t wanna be saved. I am sure that some of our GEMS will go on to be the next generation of leaders and power brokers. Of the 25 that we took on the trip, only 5 had to get hazed. But it seems like for every future Oprah, there is a future Alize’. Have fun on the pole, girl. I’m done with you.

 

Rant Volume 7 done, and I’m out.

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