Joy’s Rant List Volume 8: The Curse of the Ebola Monkey

(Originally Posted on FB Thursday, March 12, 2009)

I was bitten by the mysterious Ebola Monkey (code name: The Flu) somewhere between Wednesday and Saturday of last week. At first, I thought that I had simply caught a cough. Unfortunately, as I was told again and again by various doctor friends and others, you can NOT catch JUST a cough. …. Then why do they have cough medicine and cough drops? Why aren’t they cold drops? Or flu drops? Just sayin’….

I hate being sick. More than I hate breaking a bone or getting a bruise or scar. I get bruises by accident all the time. I think squirells break into my house and beat me with acorns while I am asleep. Either that, or I am just clumsy and bump into stuff…. shut UP! :-p I have scars from all kinds of stuff – dog bite scars, surgery scars, I-scraped-my-leg-on-the-car-door scars, you name it. But scars are barely noticed. And broken bones are cool conversation starters – especially when you make up fun stories! But being sick…. Well, that just sucks rocks. Here’s all the things I find abhorrent about being sick – let me know if you agree.

The most painful thing about getting sick is developing one of those hacking coughs. You know, the type where you ALMOST cough up something, but not quite…but then cough again…but still nothing. So you try to swallow that dusty feeling in your throat and that makes you cough again. And the whole time, each hacking cough feels like someone is scraping your lungs with a cheese grater. This cheese-grater cough can be accompanied by what I like to call the “death rattle”. That’s the unholy gurgling sound that you make when you take a deep breath. I can see why people used to think that folks were possessed. When I woke up Monday morning, I thought there was someone else in the room with me until I realized it was me – exhaling. Oh, the exhaling! Don’t try to laugh, or take a deep breath. Because it will only end in lung spasms and fervent prayers for a quick death.

You know what else sucks about being sick? The aches and pains, the fever, the migraines, the fact that it hurt my eyes to look left or right for two days. The loss of equilibrium was especially tortuous, since I had to figure out that I was off balance by actually falling. I opened the refrigerator door and fell INTO the refrigerator. My hand on the door handle was the only thing that kept me upright, but it also caused me to half-way slam myself into the fridge door. This was hilarious to me, but the laughing caused another fit of lung-spasming coughs. Hahhahaaaahh-hack-hack-cough-cough….Ouch. I’m lucky I didn’t pull the whole damn thing down on my head.

And my brain is swimming in a swollen bowl of jello. I can hear my own breathing in my ears. And why, all of a sudden, did I just go deaf in my right ear? Am I dying? Why is my head so heavy? I may be congested and stuffy, but I refuse to rub Vicks vapo-rub on my chest. That’s a hell no. I will suffocate from sinus pressure first.

They say “starve a fever, feed a cold”. So if you have the flu, WITH a fever, then WTF? Do you eat? Do you NOT eat? Do you eat until you get hot, and then starve yourself? I can’t eat anyway. My nose is stopped up completely, and I am breathing through my mouth like a neanderthal. So every time I eat something, I have to try to breathe THROUGH the food. YUCK! And given my propensity for accidents, it’s just a matter of time before I choke on my chicken noodle soup. (with a soda on the side…. couldn’t resist).

You know what DOESN’T suck? The MEDICINE. Mmmmm…. meeediciiiine. I didn’t know that you could double dose on NyQuil and live. Sizzuryp-induced comas RULE!!! Although I must admit – the first night I did that, I passed out at 11 pm, turned over in my sleep around 5 am and knocked the remote for the TV onto the floor. The noise woke me up and I was disoriented and thought someone was in the living room, robbing me. Full-fledged paranoia stepped in and I got up, locked my bedroom door, got my long knife out from under my bed (it’s a bread knife) and went into my bathroom. What was I going to do? Only the NyQuil knows for sure. It took me 30 minutes to convince myself that no one was trying to get me. THIS IS WHY I DON’T SMOKE WEED. DayQuil, however, is some shullbit for wussies and babies, and it only lasts long enough for you to finish drinking it. TheraFlu is cool. But nothing knocks you out like good ol’ NyQuil. And on that note, lemme get one mo’ hit….


Rant Volume 8 done, and I’m zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


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