Joy’s Rant List, Volume 9: They Don’t Dance No Mo’. They Don’t Dance No Mo’….

(Originally Posted on FB Sunday, March 29, 2009)

Okay, so I went out to a club last night. And the sad thing is – this was one of the better “clubbing” adventures that I have had while I’ve been in Orlando. Everyone was dressed…as expected (more on that later). And I had a good time. The DJ played a good mix of old and new. The crowd was about a 60-40 split of women and men, which was pretty dayum good. The drinks were 2-for-1 until midnight, and they were pouring Ketel One. All the makings for a great club experience. Except: everyone looked bored. Or looked like they were trying too hard to NOT be bored. And even though lots of people were moving to the music, no one was out on the floor. My girls and I were all looking foxy AND we were approachable, but no one asked us to dance. I miss the good old days when you went to a club and actually DANCED.

You know what I miss? Club Kaya. Vegas Nights. ATLiens, do you feel me?!?!?! What I miss even more: LOWER MANLEY PARTIES! All the folks that went to Spelman and Morehouse know what I mean (and GT and Clark and Mo Brown and the rest of y’all that used to roll up on campus). The days of going to a party and sweating your hair out are gone. Forever! Because apparently, the kids in college now don’t do it either. Everyone is concerned with looking cute. Or being hard. Or looking like they don’t care. Or actually not caring.

So I got to thinking – what is wrong with the clubs nowadays? And the answer is clear: They don’t dance no mo’. (Shout out to the Goodie Mob, and to Curt Craig who knows all the lyrics to this song.) But look at how much has changed since the good ol’ days….

1) Most of the women in the club have on “nekkid” clothes. They are trying WAY too hard. And I’m not talking about the folks in tight clothes, I am talking about the girls in almost NO clothes at all. As Will Smith so eloquently put it: “It’s a club, girl, why you arrive nekkid?” I mean, I saw Barbie Doll dresses – which means you stole it directly off a Barbie Doll and put it on. I saw booty shorts, cheeky hot pants (i.e. butt cheek hanging out), micro dresses, cut-off shorts and backless tops, and skin-tight long dresses with nothing but string holding the front to the back. One girl had the NERVE, the unmitigated GAUL, to tie her dress up in a knot at her hip, so that her panties were showing (eww!) and then wear leg warmers over her heels, and a sweatband on her head. I guess she was going for “retro”… yeah… missed that by a few letters and ended up at “retard”. Anyway, all these girls are trying SO hard to attract a man that they end up turning everyone off. You can’t bend over, reach down, hell – even cough too hard – in some of these outfits. It’s ridiculous!! This is where some of the pictures for “Hot Ghetto Mess” come from, surely.

I’m not saying that you can’t be hot and sexy in the club. I do that myself. I’m saying don’t look like you are “working” in the club. And all of them had on 3″ to 4″ heels. You can’t dance in those!! WE used to rock jeans, t-shirt, sneakers and a baseball cap with our ponytails pulled through – that was party gear. And you just danced until you passed out. But I’ll tell you one thing – my feet never were bleeding and blistered at the end of the night!!! And you know what? These ‘out-there’ girls weren’t getting any more attention than the rest of us, unless you count bad attention – more on that below…


[ side note – why do they never have chairs in clubs, and the booths or tables that they do have are bottle service only? Why do I have to spend $140 on a bottle of liquor to sit at a table that was free 30 minutes ago? Hmmm, maybe this wouldn’t be a problem if women still wore flat shoes or sneakers…]

2) The guys in the club are dancing with each other……. Sounds gay as hell, right?!?!? But wait! They are NOT gay! They are all huddled in the corner, pop-locking to impress each other. Or it’s the neos off the last fraternity grad line, and they have decided to come out and party-train through the club. And they are paying no heed to the girls bouncing and jiggling around them. They clearly can dance, and want to dance – and the girls near them clearly want to dance too – but they don’t grab a girl and hit the floor. I have been told by my male friends that it’s fear of rejection. I cry shullbit on that. Yeah, you may get rejected by that dime-piece who is sitting in the corner looking bored and clearly is not dressed to dance. But there is a perfectly good 7.5 girl standing RIGHT in front of you, dancing and looking you dead in the eye, waiting on you to say something or move a little bit with her or something. Oh, you don’t want the 7.5? Not hot enough? But guess what homie? You’s a 6!!! Nobody said you had to marry the chick, just dance with her. And here’s a surprisingly well-kept secret: when girls know you can dance (i.e. have rhythm) that boosts your rank by 1. So you can be a 6, but if you can dance, that’s an automatic 7. It might even go to an 8 if you can dress at all.

And fellas – please tell your brethren who like to “poke” girls on the dance floor that they are messing it up for the rest of you. If guys don’t ask girls to dance for fear of rejection, it’s spawned from women who reject the invitation for fear of molestation. You know, I will take a step back on this one, because this is VERY different from college. When we went to parties, we knew all the guys and they knew all of us. So I guess the fear of rejection was mitigated by the fact that you were pretty sure your homegirl was not going to throw attitude. And I also don’t remember any of my homeboys putting their ‘thing’ on me. But still – I don’t understand why the guys who are dancing are ignoring the girls who are dancing. Then again, maybe it’s because….

3) The people who ARE dancing are so sexual with theirs, that it makes the rest of us uncomfortable. I can’t go out on the dance floor and start two-stepping next to a couple that is only moments away from coitus!!! Sure, I have “backed that thang up” on my share of guys (I mean, I DID go to an HBCU). But I have never just SIMULATED sex on the dance floor. When they said “Do the Humpty Hump”, they didn’t mean just “Hump”. And not only are the women who engage in this behavior degrading themselves, they are giving the guys the impression that the rest of us in the room ought to be just as willing. NO! Again I say HELL NO! I am not about to let you lift any part of my leg off the ground. You can hang that shyt up, son! Oh! Oh! Oh! And don’t forget about the people with camera phones, taking pictures and videos of this lunacy for Youtube (and probably FB too!).

4) They don’t dance no mo’ because there are no dances. I repeat: THERE ARE NO DANCES. When I was in school, we had the prep, the snake, the roger rabbit, the running man, the bogle (sp?), the butterfly, the tootsie roll, the list goes on and on. When any Reggae song came on, everyone knew what to do. Butterfly! Bogle! When old school rap came on, you did old school rap dances. And everyone knew the dances, and they were fun to do. And if all else failed – Bankhead Bounce. We’d be up in the party doing Bankhead Baseball, Bankhead Bowling, Bankhead Boxing…. man, that was fun!! People weren’t afraid to look silly back then. Now, who wants to really do the lean-wit-it-rock-wit-it, now that the song is outdated? And the stanky leg? Please! How long is that nonsense going to last? But if I hear Doug E Fresh right now, I can run out on the dance floor and start prepping, and chances are half of you would go with me!!!

5) One last thought: is it the fact that the reasons we go to the club have changed? Is that why all clubs seem so whack now? When we were in school, we went with the sole purpose of dancing to blow off steam. If you met a boy, then that was cool, but that wasn’t the goal. Now, women go to the club to meet men, or so it seems. Is that why the dresses are so tight? Is that why the guys fear dancing with a 7.5 (because she might cling)? Is that why they don’t dance no mo’?

I’m going to open a club where everyone can come dressed in jeans and t-shirts, ready to dance. I will call it Sneakers!!! But wait, if you don’t have a dress code, then “those people” will come shoot your shyt up. Sigh… So much for that bright idea.


Rant Volume 9 done, and I’m out.


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