(Originally posted on FB Thursday, January 15, 2009)
This one has been a long time coming. I have thought about writing something time and again, but the cumulative effects of the nonsense I see in the world has come to a head. I’ve got stuff I want to say to these folks that have visually offended me. But I ain’t crazy so I don’t walk up to strangers and insult them or try to correct them (that’s how you get shot!). Anyway, I’m getting it off my chest here instead. Hang on to something…
Gym Dress Code: Dude, what the hell do you have on? Who comes to the gym in Timberlands? How the hell you gone run on a treadmill in hiking boots? Really, dude? Really? And WHY are you over there at the age of 37 with a full Orlando Magic outfit – OUTFIT – on? That is not cool. You are not 10. It is clear by now that you will never be a baller. Even real ballers don’t just walk around in their game day uniform. Stop it. And you over there, little missy!! I know we are all in here to get fine, but did you really have to wear something THAT tight to do your Pilates over here on the mat? You are headed for Monistat land, woman! And you aren’t “there” yet so why the cut off shirt? Why do I have to see this? And we won’t even talk about the nekkid lady in the sauna. She wins. I quit going in the sauna weeks ago.
High School Dress Code: Alright you little tricks. I am so sick of seeing you advertize for the Players Club on the way to school. As I drive through these school zones, I can’t help but wonder if your mama knows you changed into that when you left the house. There’s NO WAY she knows you are out here in this tiny-assed skirt. And if she does know – she needs her ass whooped too. What is up with this belly-fat trend? And why must you show it? Why is your polo shirt so freaking tight? How many fat rolls can you even have at 15? What the hell are you eating? Butter?!?! Ma – every time you bend over, I know you can feel the wind blowing. That is not sexy – that is whorish. You may not be a whore, but if you are wearing a whore’s uniform…. (And yes, I say that to the kids I work with). And why do you need 3 inch heels for Senior English class?!?! I don’t remember wearing any type of heels in high school. High-top Reeboks need to make a comeback, instead of these damn jelly shoes. And here in FL they have jelly flip-flops! Can you BE any closer to barefoot? And for the boys – when is the sagging going to stop?!? I was so excited when I heard Rev Run’s son say that people weren’t really sagging their pants like that anymore on Run’s House. But that was last season!! Apparently that memo has not made it to FL. Sagging is not ‘thug life’. How do you expect to chase a rival gang member or run from the cops if you have to waddle like the penguin from Happy Feet just to move in your size 40 pants? How can you reach the gun in your pocket when your pocket is below your knee? Since when is having your ass out – and available for anyone to come and poke – a sign of being ‘gangsta’? Dude, that’s gay! (not meant to offend my homosexual brethren. But even my gay hairdresser doesn’t like it and thinks it’s ‘sissy’)
Mall Dress Code: YOU ARE NOT SKINNY SO STOP WEARING SKINNY JEANS. I blame the designers and manufacturers for this too. Why do skinny jeans come in sizes higher than 4? At that point, you are technically not skinny anymore. And how much of this is even jean material? It looks like biking tights, painted denim blue. If you have an ounce of fat or cellulite on you anywhere, then these jeans by definition are NOT for you. And since when can you just walk outside in panythose and a shirt? Don’t lie to me! I know pantyhose when I see them! I wore leggings all through college. They were made of cotton. Cotton is thick. See the difference? Guys – if you are over 22 and you are sagging your pants – thank you for that. Because that lets me know that you are weak-minded (i.e. a follower) and you have poor decision-making skills. So I can just avoid you from jump. There’s no reason for you to try to holla at me. Your clothes speak for you. I’m going to post a video on my page later to go with this.
Club Dress Code: I got no problems with looking sexy. I do it all the time. I go to the club and I wear something low-cut. I wear tight jeans (but not skinny jeans!). I want attention. We all do it. I am not trying to be a hypocrit here. But yo – a dress with no material on the sides? Shorts with your butt cheeks hanging out? Victoria’s Secret makes underwear. UNDERwear. It goes UNDER something. Why is your bra part of your outfit? And don’t turn right or left real quick in that split-to-the-navel halter top, because one of them puppies is gonna make a break for it. And this one is on behalf of my brothas: Ladies, if you don’t want a man to treat you like a piece of meat don’t come to the club dressed up like a sausage! And Guys – the same rule applies here as applied in the Mall Dress Code. Just don’t come over here until you can dress like a grown man with a job.
One final thing. I know club attire when I see it. So guys and girls, I don’t care if you put a blazer on over your club outfit, I want you to find something else to wear to church.
Rant Volume 3 done. And I’m out.