Joy’s Rant List Volume 16: Men Are From Mars. Women Are From Venus…. But We Are Both on Earth, so WTF?

So!  Now I want to talk about the differences between men and women. Hopefully this will shed some light on why men do what they do and women do what they do.  But I also want to give some clarification to men on what they do that women misinterpret, and vice versa.  No one is safe. Toes will be crushed.

HYPOTHESIS:  Generally speaking, women expect you to respond to their ACTIONS.  Men expect you to respond to their WORDS.  It sounds backwards, because women love to talk, but trust me, I am right. 

ADDENDUM: Everyone lies, and it is usually to THEMSELVES.  

Example # 1: Your Cut Buddy is Really Trying to Cut You!

As a guy, you have STATED CLEARLY that this is a ‘friends with benefits’ situation.  The woman agrees, and it jumps off.  But men, you may get tired and sleep at her place one night. You may bring her dinner or catch a movie with her.  You may snuggle up after sex, because (once in a blue moon) you just wanted the coziness of snuggling.  But you CAN’T DO this with a cut buddy! She will take the movie outings, the offers of dinner and snuggling, the conversation that you may have had with her about how your day was – she will take all of that as RELATIONSHIP ACTIONS.  If a woman gets relationship actions from you, she will assume she is getting into a relationship.  This is why men think that women can’t have sex without emotions.  They CAN, but when you engage in relationship actions, it confuses them.  (This is why they ask so many questions.  They don’t understand why your actions don’t match your words.)  …. And then the stalking and the restraining orders ensue. 

Now men, don’t get irritated and say that this is dumb and women shouldn’t assume.  I am only telling you this so you will know how your actions will be interpreted.  In the sex-only situation, if you just want sex, just get that.  If she agreed to it, she is cool with it.  And if you treat her like she is nothing but a piece of ass – she will even appreciate the honesty.  Really??  Yes! Seriously!!  There is a ‘phuk zone’ in addition to the ‘friend zone’.  She will just put you there.  DISCLAIMER:  Women are almost always looking for someone to love.  So if you start acting like a boyfriend or acting like you want to do more than just bang her …. A stalker is born. 

Casual sex guys:  If you TELL her you only want sex, then DON’T call her ANY other time.  DON’T ask her about anything going on in her life.  Compartmentalize the crap out of her!  DON’T accept offers of more from her – that is a TRICK!  If she cooks, and you eat it – bamboozled!!  Don’t even wish her happy birthday!  That is NOT your role.  And as a matter of fact, during sex, try to hit it from the back.  I mean don’t even LOOK at her.  I know that is harsh, but it’s for the best. 

Women who don’t want casual sex:  Per Chris Rock:  If you have been having sex with a man for more than 3 months and you haven’t met any of his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend.  Refer to previous paragraph. 

Example # 2: Silent but Violent

 A woman can be in the kitchen slamming pots and pans around, clearly upset about something.  All her ACTIONS will say that she is upset.  A man may ask from the living room “baby what’s wrong?”  She will respond “nothing.”  But, as a man, you have asked her what was wrong and she said nothing so…back to watching the game.   And now she is mad at you because you didn’t respond to her ACTIONS.  What would have made everything better is if you had just walked up and given her a hug.  Trust me, even if she is mad at YOU, this will work.

To all the “He Should Know Me By Now” Women:   STOP assuming that your man knows you like your best friend from middle school knows you.  If you want to go out to dinner, SAY the words “I want to go out to dinner”.  You do NOT sit on the couch and just not cook.  You do not say “I am feeling restless” – what the hell is that supposed to mean?  You say exactly what you want.  Stop dropping hints.  Stop expecting them to know you so well that they read your mind.  That is what your girlfriends do.  Men do not – DO NOT – do this. 

BONUS “Mind-Reading” example for men – women may skip this:   

I went to lunch one day with my friend Rochelle.  As the waitress came to take our drink order, I asked for a glass of iced tea.  I got a tiny gasp and a look from Rochelle.  I immediately said “Scratch that.  Let me get a glass of Cabernet and a glass of water.” Rochelle smiled.  Now you may say – what the hell was that all about?  Well, I know that Rochelle doesn’t like to drink alone.  I know that Rochelle knows I usually order red wine with a meal.  The gasp and the look meant that she was disappointed in my drink choice because she was about to order a drink and didn’t want to drink alone.  So I ordered a glass of wine to drink with her.  And this was all communicated with a gasp and a look.  I read her mind!!  I can do that – I am one of her good girlfriends.  But women (cuz I know you didn’t skip this) – understand that MEN can’t do this.  They respond to WORDS.  She didn’t even say anything!  A typical man would have just ordered the glass of iced tea – because they wanted tea anyway – and then asked her what was up. At that point, she would have said ‘nothing’.  And then the man would have gone on with dinner, never knowing all of what was going on in her head.  Now, if a man gets to know you over a decade, they may begin to pick up on some of your cues, but you can NOT expect a man that you have been dating for 6 months or even married to for 3 years to know you well enough to read your mind.  They just don’t function like that. 

Example #3:  But You SAID!

Men Listen, but they do NOT infer meaning:  They hear what you say.  And they respond to it.  So if you say that you are trying to lose weight, they are going to give you advice on losing weight.  They are not going to know that you only said that to see if they were going to respond and tell you that you look fine.  They think they are helping with advice about diets and working out. You said you wanted to lose weight!  Remember, men solve problems.  Don’t ask the question if it’s a problem you don’t want solved on the spot.

Example #4:  I’m GROWN! I Do What I Want!

The most dangerous aspect of communication between men and women is this:  People will lie and say just about anything – usually because it sounds good to say it.  Men and women both do what they WANT to do.  This is truer now than it has ever been before, what with the increasing emphasis on “me, me, me”.  People want what they want, even if they are not supposed to have it. 

A. Women say things like “I don’t want drama in my life”.  This is almost ALWAYS a lie.  It just sounds ‘grown’.  As I have stated on many occasions – women who say that they are trying to “live drama free” are the ones with the most drama in their lives!!  MEN – avoid these women for the sake of your own sanity.  Women who don’t bring drama don’t have to brag about it. 

B. Guys will say anything to get laid.  Like “I’m looking to settle down”. They believe what they say…when they SAY it…but then that post coital alarm goes off and that truth evaporates.  But notice – they didn’t necessarily say they were looking to settle down with YOU.  This is a loophole.  This situational lying also goes for the person who was celibate until that sexy muthaphuka walked in the door.  (No offense to the women and men who ARE really celibate – kudos to you!) 

And most people don’t even know what they really want, so that just adds to the nonsense. 

But, to wrap it all up, here are a few more things about men and women that the opposite sex needs to know:

1. The rearview mirror in the car is just the best mirror to use to put on makeup. If we could get that mirror in the bathroom, we would put our makeup on in there.  But, it’s in the car.  We WAIT to put on makeup in the car.  It was not an afterthought.

2. Men will have sex with you even if they don’t really like you, if you keep after them.  To use a baseball reference, if you keep throwing it at them, eventually they will hit it.  This does NOT mean that they want to be with you, though.

3. Women approach relationships with the idea that they will stick around as long as the guy doesn’t mess up.  Men approach relationships with the idea that if the woman doesn’t mess up, they might stick around.  (Do you SEE how this is different?!?! )

4. Women like sex just as much as men.  Good sex, that is.  Refer to Rant # 14…..

Any more questions? 🙂

Rant # 16 done, and I’m out.

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2 thoughts on “Joy’s Rant List Volume 16: Men Are From Mars. Women Are From Venus…. But We Are Both on Earth, so WTF?

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