Joy’s Rant List Volume 18: It’s Called SELF ESTEEM! How Can They Mess up How You Feel about YOU?!

 Okay, I just happened to notice all the recent relationship status changes on FB.  First, congrats to all the folks singing “At Last” a la Etta James with their status change.  But… most folks seem to be entering ‘summer break up’ season.  This seemed like a perfectly good opportunity to tell you how to deal with a break up (men and women) and come through it without turning into a stalker and/or committing a felony.  Just say No OJ!  Listen to me for a bit, before you go cover yourself in ashes and put on that sackcloth…  

The first instinct people have when they “involuntarily get out of a relationship” is to start singing the blues.  A whole genre of music is dedicated to this.  “I’m so sick of love songs,” “She’s out of my life,” “Cry me a river,” “She threw my cat out the car window” (That cat deserved it. Cats are assholes – see Rant #6)… But the list goes on and on…    If there is one thing that’s universal, it’s heartbreak.  If you were the first person to get your heart broken, Lenny Williams wouldn’t have made a song about watching television until television went off!  Jasmine Sullivan wouldn’t be bustin’ windows out of her ex’s car!  Chante’ Moore wouldn’t have a song telling her ex that she hated his dog! 

 …. And let’s examine Ms. Chante’ for a minute…

 I used to straight-up HATE that song “Chante’s Got a Man”.  You know why?  Because it seemed like that’s all she had to say.  How’s the rest of your life going, Chante’? Or is the man the only thing that’s important?  And one of the verses was “I can’t help it that your man is just cheatin’ on you, creepin’ on you…beatin’ on you…”  Really, Chante’?  You can’t help your girl out at all, even if she’s getting beaten?  You can’t even recommend a shelter or nothing?  That’s messed up! What kind of friend are you?!?  Unfortunately, we know women like her.  They are not whole or happy until they have a man in their lives.  And when that man leaves…. “I hate your dog….n-word”.  My question to Chante’ is this: why were you with him, if you hated his dog!?!  

It wasn’t the break-up that made Chante’ hate his dog.  It was the fact that she let that break up affect her self-esteem.  She chose to base her self esteem on her ability to catch and keep a man.  And that is how women measured their self worth … 80 YEARS AGO!!!  Women, we are so much more than whom we are dating!  Stop thinking that if a guy dumps you, you are in any way less than you were before.  It’s only in your mind.  Now, when I say dumped, this isn’t always in dating.  This could be after 5 years of marriage.  And even if the marriage goes wrong – it could just be circumstances.  It doesn’t mean that you were less than awesome.  The same goes for those guys who consider themselves a failure after a bad breakup.  Just because she left, don’t let her take YOUR swagga with her! 

 TIME TO PAY ATTENTION:  When a person breaks up with you, it rarely has anything to do with YOU.  So many people let their self esteem get damaged when they get dumped.  It’s not because you were too ugly, too fat, or too rich or too smart.  That person just doesn’t want to be with you.  Getting plastic surgery or losing weight won’t change things.  Getting a better job won’t change things.  Fake breasts generally don’t help and neither does being able to bench press 300 lbs.  Being more of a people pleaser or being more submissive won’t help either.  If you change yourself for a man (or a woman), you are just going to end up pissed off that you did it.  It never changes how they feel about you.  And if it does, then you are allowing them to love a lie, and in the end that will be disastrous for both of you.   Basically, changing for anyone other than you is just a waste of time and an exercise in “acting stupidly.”  (I love quoting our president!) 

 Hold up…  You do realize I am giving you credit for doing what you should be doing as a woman or a man in the relationship???  Well then…If you were the bomb when you met them, what happened to take that away from you?  The next time a relationship doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, think about this:  Now that (s)he’s gone, is your credit bad?  Did you lose your house?  Your car?  Did you get fired?  Does God not love you anymore?  Did you mysteriously gain 100 lbs overnight?  Did you break out in shingles? Did you go blind in one eye?  No?  Then what’s different about you, really?  Now that the girl or guy is gone, what’s really missing in your life other than him (her)?  And they are replaceable.  (Even Beyonce had to remind Jay-Z that he was NOT “Irreplaceable.”) 

It’s natural to feel sadness over the end of a relationship that you enjoyed, but you don’t need to tattoo a permanent scarlet letter on your forehead.   Everybody that you meet on the street doesn’t need to know that you just got dumped. (SOOOO unattractive!)  And that goes for men and women alike.  Bitter is butt ugly.  End of story.  So slap on a smile and go out. … They say the best way to get over a man is to get under another one.  This is patently BAD advice, but the theory is sound.  Go out, and flirt with someone, and remember how much fun it was.  (Don’t – I repeat – DO NOT get under them!  Or, at least get an HIV test!!!)  Enjoy life like you did before – which is why you attracted that person in the first place.  Learn from the experience and restart the game!  (See previous rant.)

 BUT before we hit reset, let’s go over some indications and red flags that we all should be looking for in the next round: 

  1. If a woman or man doesn’t return any of your phone calls, they are not playing hard to get.  They don’t want to talk to you.  They probably don’t really like you ‘like that’.
  2. If a woman tells you that you are just too nice, she is not physically attracted to you.  There’s nothing wrong with you – you are a cool and sexy dude.  Just not to her. 
  3. If a man tells you that you are too nice, he is not offering what you are looking for.  And he knows that, and is trying to warn you.  Listen to his WORDS.  Because if you keep hanging around, he will probably hit it if you let him and then all hell breaks loose.
  4. If, after a few dates, a woman says she is not looking for a relationship right now, she is lying.  Women are always looking for a relationship.  She just doesn’t want one with you
  5. If a woman asks you a lot of questions, she is trying to seriously get with you.  The only real reason you could possibly have for not answering the questions is that you don’t want to seriously get with her.  And if that is the case, just tell her that and let her go – she is looking for more than you are bringing.
  6. If a woman is NOT asking you questions, she is not interested in you.  Beware of the girl that seems to not need a lot of attention, or that doesn’t seem pressed about being with you.  If she isn’t trying to be where you are, she is not trying to be with you.
  7. Also beware of the girl that seems to always have some material demand or task for you.  If you are doing things to earn her love, then what you are getting is NOT love, it is conditional acceptance.  What happens when you stop doing those things?  The same goes for women whose men are hung up on looks.  What happens when you have a kid and can’t lose that baby weight?  Musiq Soulchild said he would still want you if you gained a little weight, girl. 
  8. If you are looking for a girl who likes you for you, stop flashing money around.   I used to have a friend that always left his BMW car keys out, and always took women to expensive $200 dinners.  And then he would dump them because he said they only wanted him for his money. Well, that may or may not have been true.  But he had to assume that it was, because that’s the bait he was dangling. 

 And now back to the point of all of this ranting…  Here is a real self esteem issue for both men and women:  Stop assuming that you have to put your representative forward to attract someone.  THIS IS NOT TRUE.  And if you do so, the people you attract will be looking for you to maintain that representative persona ad infinitum.  Bottom line – Exercise your SELF-esteem and BE YOURSELF!!  And when someone comes along who likes you for you, then guess what….  RESTART THE GAME!!!

But, if you are one of the ‘recently single’, then you will probably grieve for a while.  And that’s okay.  Allow my friend the giraffe to help you identify and get through the five stages of grief.  (Click link below, but it has sound, so beware.)

Rant # 18 done, and I’m out. 

P.S.  – I’ve been doing interviews and gathering information for my next rant, and that one will be straight out of the mouths of MEN (with a surprise guest).   Stay tuned…


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