Joy’s Rant List Volume 22: “Turn Down That Racket and Get off My LAWN!”

I woke up this morning and my bad knees cracked as I got out of bed.  Nothing unusual about it since this happens every morning.  Actually, the fact that I no longer notice it was what really caught my attention.  I had to stop and think – did I hear my knees pop?  I must have – they always pop. 

Why?  Because I am OLD. 

Wait, wasn’t I just “dropping it like it’s hot” yesterday?  No…  TEN YEARS ago I was “dropping it like it’s hot”.  YESTERDAY, I was dropping it like it’s lukewarm.  (But make no mistake, that’s “lukewarm” by Florida standards which qualifies as “blazing” everywhere else! LOL!)

The confirmation of my ‘old’ status, however, happened over the past couple of weekends.  First, it was my jaunt to Miami, and then it was Homecoming in Atlanta.  It hit me like an epiphany – I am grown!  For real this time!  I mean, I know I thought I was grown when I graduated from college.  Then I thought I was grown when I bought my first house.  When I got an investment portfolio, I really thought I was grown.  But now…  I am grown …AND OLD. 

How do I know?  Because things that young folks like GET ON MY NERVES. 

Here are some examples:

1)  I hate most of the rap music on the radio now.  It all sounds the same – like noise.  The boys doing the rapping are a bunch of hooligans.  This music is ruining the minds of our children.  Wait, why do I sound like my dad?  I swear he said the same thing about RUN DMC.  But, “It’s Tricky” and “Peter Piper” are classics!  “Birthday Sex”?  “Becky”?  Hmmm…  Not so much.

2)  I am not a slave to fashion.  Some stuff just doesn’t look good on me.  Skinny jeans are NOT my friend.  I know some people that always wear the latest styles.  And most of the time, it looks good on them (MOST of the time – see Rant #3:  Dress Code).  But when that fad ends, they are stuck with a closet full of “wack” gear so they go out and buy new fads.  I, on the other hand, take my money and put it into my investment portfolio!

3)  I no longer wear shoes that make my toes go numb just to be cute.  I used to wear 3+ inch high heels when I went out that were absolutely fabulous.  Half way through the evening, I was limping around or sitting down because of the pain!  The issue was partly the shoes and partly my decision to wear them.  When I was young, the shoes came from Payless.  (INSERT LIFE LESSION:  NEVER BUY CHEAP HEELS.  They will destroy you!)  Now, I still wear sexy heels out on the town because I AM GROWN enough to know that an $18.99 pair of heels is NOT a good look.  My feet love me for learning this lesson. 

4)  I don’t go on vacation to party.  I had the chance to chat with this guy at a house party.  I told him that I was in Miami on vacation, and he asked me why was I at a lame house party when I could be in the clubs?  I didn’t want to go to the clubs because the house party wasn’t lame – we were crushing our opponents at spades!!  The first thing out of my mouth was “How old are you?”  He was 21.  Get away from me little boy! 

5)  I actually complained to management about the noise in my hotel in Miami.  It was midnight, and they were thumping bass music outside my window.  I had meetings for work the next morning!  How dare they!?!  They probably hung up the phone and put “curmudgeon” next to my picture.  (Side note: At homecoming, I was the one having security at my door because someone else complained about noise.  I didn’t catch a young girl’s attitude and get tossed out of the hotel.  I handled it like a grown up and sent my responsible-looking friend to the door so they wouldn’t put us out! Thanks, Stu!!!) 

6)  Out on the yard for Homecoming, my friends and I were watching all the young folks go by.  We were just disgusted at the skimpy clothes, the questionable wardrobe choices, and the bad attitudes of some of the kids.  I totally agree with the implementation of a dress code – for EVERY HBCU!!  What happened to Freshman Week, where the GIRLS had to wear a dress every day?  Do kids even OWN professional clothes anymore?

7)  I no longer fall for the okey-doke.  I had a chance to watch an attractive younger man get struck down like he was in the Old Testament.  It was painful to watch, but I couldn’t look away, like a train wreck!  And here’s the kicker – he was 27 YEARS OLD.  I remember when I used to think 25 was grown as hell. 

I know you want to know how it went down, right?

Strike #1:  Well, we are all playing spades, and this youngun (let’s call him Jose) decides to sit and play with us.  He keeps going on and on about how beautiful my girl is (and she is, but that’s not the point).  He started trying to rap to her.  He wanted to take her Salsa dancing – that same night.  But it’s already midnight.  If old folks haven’t left the house by 11 PM, they aren’t leaving!  And if they are already out chilling – that’s where they are gonna be.  Anyway, my girl asked why they couldn’t just dance right there.  He got the ‘deer in the headlights’ look.  He tried dancing with her for maybe 45 seconds, but there was no music so he quit.  Dude, that was your chance to be all up on her!  And you blew it! 

Strike #2:  Next, he tried to impress us with his intelligence.  His first mistake was in talking to me.  He asked me what I thought about Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.  (Sigh…For those that don’t know, I am a super nerd.)   I responded, “Well, based on the foundation that as a body of mass approaches the speed of light, it gets infinitely heavy, it is theoretically impossible to travel faster than the speed of light…”  Again, Jose had the ‘deer in the headlights’ look. 

Strike #3:  So he switched gears again.  (I’ll give him mercy points for persistence.)  This time, he tried to talk politics.  Ummm, dude… Telling us that you voted for Obama because he was Black is NOT going to get you any points (in fact, mercy points forfeited!) –  ESPECIALLY if you then go on to say that you haven’t paid any attention to what he’s done since November 2008!

Death Blow:  So, we got hungry and agreed to go get some food.  We ordered alligator bites, and Jose said he wouldn’t eat them because of what he saw on an alligator farm in Georgia.  My girl says that she didn’t know they had alligator farms in Georgia (having earlier mentioned that she is from there).  And Jose says…  “Don’t you feel bad that you lived your whole life in Georgia and didn’t know that about the state you were born in?”  Sigh….

My girl took the high road and played the role of “fairy godmother” rather than “cougar” (see my previous “Deep Thoughts” note).  She responded with “Let’s take a time-out here.”  She patiently explained to Jose how he had just insulted her, but “young dude ego” seemed to block his understanding.  Suffice it to say – at the end of the night, when he tried to get my girl’s number, she took his email address and promised to email him… one day. 

EPIC FAIL (see attached picture as proof – body language speaks volumes!!!)

Happy Hour, Miami Style 034

BONUS:  Here’s my Homecoming “Jose” experience – I am out at the Spelhouse party Saturday night.  (Side note – grown folks will pay $30 for a party!)  This cute guy approaches me.  He made it very obvious that he thought I was attractive.  He even described me as ‘intriguing’.  … Oh really.  He was 25 and probably used to picking up college girls all the time.  But I’m grown, boo, so I’m not falling all over you like they do!  He finally gave up after failing to convince me that we should go back to MY hotel to watch ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm.”  But…  I’d already given him my number (cuteness factor was solid).  This guy called the next day and said, “I commend you on your self control.”  WTF?  What self control?  You think it took self control for me not to invite you back to my hotel room?  Wow. 

Then, I remembered I was old!!!  If I had been 20 and this 25 year old dude told me I was intriguing, I might have gone for his ‘game.’  By the same token, if we were 20, my girl and I would have thought that Jose’s ability to salsa dance, and discuss his (limited) knowledge of the Theory of Relativity somehow made him sophisticated.  Hmmm…  When we were 20, we were STUPID!  So WHY is 30 the new 20???!!!! 

Actually, this getting older thing isn’t so bad.  Sure, I have to schedule my first mammogram soon, but hey – my car insurance is MAD low!  And there are other “Rant Points” to consider:

1)      Houston’s, Houlihan’s, Copeland’s, and Mick’s went from being good date spots to regular lunch spots.

2)      Vacation time is spent on a cruise or an island resort that you can AFFORD – rather than at a club buying cheap drinks to get you drunk.  And, the drink of choice is a Merlot or Riesling – as opposed to Alize or Boone’s.

3)      If you want to do something, you can just do it.  “Who gon’ check me, boo?” 


Rant Volume 22 done, and I’m out (I need a nap).