Joy’s Rant List, Volume 24: Sacrilege, Blasphemy and Other Tickets to Hell

First off, before anyone gets the wrong idea, I am not – NOT – an atheist.  I believe in God, and I believe that Jesus Christ was His only son…  And the rest of it.  I am not going to write it all out because I don’t fee like it.  You get the picture.  Let me reiterate – I am FAR from atheism.  But, there are some things of a religious nature that I want to get off my chest.

1)      To all my friends who send me text messages and emails that say if I loved God, I would forward this: BITE ME.  I am not forwarding your stupid message because a) you probably sent it to my work email address and I don’t want to get fired and b) God doesn’t like SPAM either!!  So stop it!  I really don’t think my salvation is tied up to my internet connection.  By the way, I also don’t forward “You will get good luck in 5 days;” “All the single ladies rock;” or “Tell your friends you love them” emails.  Well, maybe sometimes, when I am feeling mushy or when the spiritual message is actually moving.  BUT. THAT’S. RARE.

2)      To all my friends who think God will do something simple for them: He is NOT going to do it.  He could because He’s God.  However, He does not micromanage.  Consider this analogy: When your child is learning to walk, do you move his feet for him?  Do you hold him up so he barely does the work?  If you do it for him, you keep him underdeveloped.  Well, God won’t send you a job either until you actually get off your assets and apply for one (plus or minus one hundred).  This also goes for God finding you a ‘good man’ or a ‘good woman.’ 

3)      To all my friends who are waiting on God’s revelation to them:  God has A plan.  This is different from God having a plan for YOUR life.  Remember?  No micromanaging.  Now, if you have surrendered your will to Him (What do you think “Thy will be done” means?) then He will be significantly more involved in your life.  Why?  Well, you are there bugging Him for advice every day.  If you haven’t – and saying you have but still doing your own thing means you have NOT – then you are just on your own.  So suck it up and accept the consequences of your actions.  God is not punishing you.  He is letting you reap what you sow.  

4)      To all my friends who act like they have a “saved souls” quota to fill:  I am not going to hell.  Some people say that in jest, and that’s cool – I do it myself.  One of my friends told me I was going to hell on a scholarship, and I am STILL laughing at that!!  But other people say that to me, and they are totally serious.  I repeat: I am NOT going to hell.  I am saved.  You can’t lose salvation, you can only reject it.  I honestly don’t think that God, who loved us SO much that He gave His only begotten Son, would then let us burn for eternity because we sinned.  He knew we were going to sin – He’s God, remember?  I am not saying that I don’t have to repent when I DO sin or not ask for forgiveness.  But when I ask, I AM forgiven.  That’s the trust I have in God.  I think that the emphasis placed on hell has been more about controlling the masses than any actual facts.  I try to do what is right and pleasing to God because I LOVE Him, not because I FEAR him.  In my opinion, hell is the absence of God forever.

5)      To all my friends who believe God is mysterious: He’s actually a scientist.  Of course, He is the dopest scientist in the universe.  As a fellow scientist, I know that when you create an experiment, you prepare for every contingency and then let it run its course.  I think God does that with us.  He has told us time and time again what the parameters are for success.  (Did you know the Bible is the most shoplifted book ever?)  Science, then, is the slow uncovering of the knowledge that God has had since the dawn of time.  He is the original physicist, mathematician, artist, numerologist, etc.  If you honestly “study” the intertwining of math, art, physics, biology, and the like – such as in the case of the human body – you can’t help but know that God is the most awesomest scientist of all time!  I mean, HE created time, so….  If we still make mistakes, it’s cool.  He planned for them so He doesn’t have to stop us from anything we choose to do.  Think about your own children: Have you ever uttered the phrase “Let him do it and get hurt.  He’ll learn!”  Guess what?  You are God’s child, and He probably has to say that about you.

6)      To all my friends who ask God to bless Sunday dinners and Superbowls:  Prayer works.  There is even scientific fact to back that up (Google “Noetic Science”).   If enough people concentrate on a single thought or idea, they can affect the physical world.  Think telekinesis on a grand scale.  Think “mob mentality.”  Think “faith healing.”  Think “Geaux Saints!”  Think about the word “word”.  In Greek, the definition of “word” is the physical manifestation of a thought.  So Jesus – the Word of God – is exactly that.  That’s why I read all the red parts of the Bible.  It’s also why I put serious thought into whom and what I pray for. 

7)      To all my friends who want heaven to have pearly gates and streets paved with gold:  I am not afraid to die, but I am not ready.  I have lots of things I want to do before I die, and I’d like to do them.  But, tomorrow is not promised so I try to live every day in a manner that allows me to fall asleep feeling grateful that I was alive today.  I also avoid the cliché: “I want to live every day like it’s my last.”  That would involve tearful goodbyes, declarations of love and finishing my will.  But, I do believe you should tell people you love them while you know they can hear it.  When I love someone, I tell them as soon as I can.  They could die tomorrow, and there’s no way I will let them leave this earth without knowing that I loved them.  Yes, I believe that there is something more after our bodies cease functioning.  The scientist in me knows that energy can be neither created nor destroyed; so our souls must go somewhere.  I am God’s child, so I fully expect to join Him one day.  If hell is the absence of God forever, then Heaven must be living in the eternal presence of God.  Or, it might be connecting to His higher consciousness as part of a “universal network.”  Hmmm…  Maybe my salvation DOES depend on my network connection.

There were other much more obscene things that I could have said such as:

a)      Adam and Eve were cavemen, and that solves the whole Creationism/Evolution dilemma. 

b)      The Big Bang was described in Genesis.  It starts with “In the beginning…” 

c)       The plagues that Moses called down on Egypt can all be explained by the activity leading up to a volcanic eruption (Thank the History Channel for that one). 

Okay, I’ll stop now before YOU go to hell for reading this all the way to the end.  Uh-oh…  Too late!

Rant Volume 24 done, and I’m out (God bless you all, and I mean that!)