Okay, we all know that I have a …” different” outlook on some things. So, I was in a conversation with some single women about finding a man, and someone kept saying that women needed to “stop believing in fairytales.” This is wrong. WRONG I SAY!
We NEED to start believing EVERYTHING about fairytales. They speak the truth – if you know how to listen. Since I live in the land that Disney built, I feel qualified to tell you the raw, uncut truth about the Disney Princesses now that you’re old enough for this ride.
1) Cinderella: Everyone knows this famous princess’ story. She was working like a Hebrew slave for her wicked stepmother and evil stepsisters. One night, she snuck out and met Prince Charming at the club. (Side Note: Is Prince Charming a polygamist or a pimp? I’m just saying… He’s had a lot of women…) They have one dance. She misses curfew and runs home, leaving a shoe behind. Prince Charming searches the land for her. He finds her; they get married and live happily ever after. But… Here’s what you probably missed:
a. She was an orphan in foster care with her stepmother’s family. They didn’t have to take her little raggedy tail in, so she needed to be a little more careful about disrespecting them. Besides, there was a good chance that her stepmother poisoned her father to get the house.
b. She had “daddy” issues. A real father would have left her the house. Her daddy left her broke and at the mercy of her stank stepmother. Her little fast behind snuck out the house and went to a club she was probably too young to attend and clearly used fake ID. Jail bait.
c. All Prince Charming knew about this girl was that she was sexy with little feet. He didn’t check ID for name, age… (Side Note: R. Kelly should have lived in the middle ages.) But her looks were enough to make him want to marry her. And of course she said yes because the alternative was to keep washing her stepsisters’ dirty drawers.
ULTIMATE MORAL: When you are broke and living in a bad situation, any old sugar daddy in the club can look like Prince Charming (and you should probably step up your shoe game).
2) Sleeping Beauty: A king has a daughter and gets paranoid that she will be cursed and struck dead in a freak accident (This is characteristic of ALL fathers with female children). So 16 years later, his sheltered little princess pricked her finger while sewing, passed out from the sight of blood and didn’t wake up until her “one true love” came to her rescue. Talk about waiting for the right man to come along. Sleeping Beauty remained in her glass case, protected and pure, until a man courageous enough to reach her side appeared. Even though she held out for Mr. Right, she really just married the first guy that came by. This tale is full of metaphors:
a. The glass case represents the unquestionable purity of Sleeping Beauty. She was saving herself for the right man. (This is actually true – I am not making this up). But, the right man had to get past a forest of deadly thorns to get to her. The prickly thorns represent the bitchy alter ego of Sleeping Beauty. If a man could get past all her defense mechanisms, he was “in there”!
b. Sleeping Beauty did five minutes of real work and then decided to wait for a husband to show up, marry her and take care of her. Women like this still exist!!!
c. And who did she marry? Prince Charming! Kissing her was apparently enough (since she had never got any before…). We can assume that she was his second wife, and Cinderella was kicking rocks. Actually, since divorce was illegal, he probably just killed Cinderella and buried her in the rose garden.
ULTIMATE MORAL: If you find somebody willing to put up with all the baggage you have, you’d better hold onto them! While you may want to hold out for Mr. Perfect, you’d do well to go with Mr. “Hey, I’m here, so deal with it.”
3) Snow White: Her life was so messed up that all they could tell you about that chick was that she lived with SEVEN dudes. That’s all I’m going to say about that (Lil Freak).
4) Princess Jasmine: This is one of the very few that was a princess BEFORE she got married. On the surface, this seems like a grand tale of love, courage, and doing anything to be with the person who has your heart. Uh-huh… Well, listen to “just the facts” from the court case “People VS Aladdin”:
a. Jasmine had plenty of suitors that were actual princes on her level. But she went out slumming and met Aladdin. Other than he was cute, she didn’t know JACK about him.
b. Aladdin got caught up with her looks, and lied to her about who he was and what he had – he was FRONTIN’!! He comes into town with the Genie’s help, pretending to be a prince, and then… the whole movie happens. By the end, they are in love and get married. But, he is still a felon.
c. So Princess Jasmine passed up all the qualified princes that courted her in order to get with a hood rat dude/thug in some Medieval muscle shirt who had a cute smile, slick mouth and nice abs.
ULTIMATE MORAL: Successful and rich women like arm candy just as much as their male counterparts (e.g. Demi, Mariah…)
5) The Original Princess and the Frog: A princess kisses a frog she meets in the woods. He convinced her that if she kissed him, he would turn into a prince. This is a perfect example of a woman lowering her standards to get a man. She didn’t know him! He could have been lying, but she still kissed a slimy (it’s mucus!) frog! And why was she in the woods?
ULTIMATE MORAL: Women hear all the time, “Don’t miss out on your blessing because it’s not in the package you want.” Hmph. Go ahead and kiss frogs if you want to… But how many times have you wanted to berate yourself for “dating down” because the shyt didn’t work out anyway? STOP KISSING FROGS! This also means stop going out with guys you KNOW you don’t like just to be ‘on a date’. Find a hobby.
6) The New Princess and the Frog: If you haven’t seen the movie, then skip this part because I am going to spoil it for you.
a. Tiana is the only Disney Princess to ever have a real job (Even as a princess, a Black woman is still working?!?).
b. She was about to give up ALL her hard work because she fell in love – with her best friend’s intended fiancé, no less! She got her man, and was all set to be happy as a FROG living in a swamp! She gave up her lifelong dream (owning her own business) in order to stop the frog-prince from marrying her best friend. (Side note: Her friend Lotty just wanted to be married to a prince. She didn’t care about the details. She ended up turning cougar, and going after the prince’s little brother.)
c. Even after she got married, she still had to work. Why? Her husband was broke with no skills and had never done a hard day’s work in his life – other than chop a few mushrooms.
ULTIMATE MORAL: A lot of career women would drop it ALL for a man that loved them. And please note – the prince was disinherited and trifling! But he was cute, made her laugh and was good to her. And he could kiss… Yep, it’s just that simple. I have no clue why men think women are complicated!
7) Beauty and The Beast: This is perhaps the most insidious of all the Disney love stories. Belle’s father gets trapped in this creepy old castle, and it turns out he is being held there by a monster. Belle comes to rescue him and decides to trade herself for her father’s release. Belle and the monster begin to spend time together and she comes to see the beauty on the inside of him. They fall in love and he transforms into the prince that he used to be. They live happily ever after.
SCREEEEECH! Let’s take another look:
a. Belle was a HOSTAGE. The Beast told her that she could never leave. Ever. She really had no choice but to make the best of her situation.
b. She heard clocks and tea cups singing to her, and she started singing along with them.
c. After spending an inordinate amount of time with her captor, Belle thought she understood his motivation and his inner thoughts. She saw his beautiful character and fell in love with him.
ULTIMATE MORAL: Belle was a textbook example of Stockholm Syndrome.
Rant Volume 26 done, and I’m out. Small World! Small World! (in my best Robin Harris voice)