Joy’s Rant List Volume 27: What SHE Said (Part II of the Jaded Series)

I have great friends.  They are stupid like me.  So while I am over here getting my mind right, my girl Angele stepped in to do a guest shot on my Rant List.  Now, she had no idea when she wrote this that it would get published.  She was blowing off steam.  But it was so ON POINT that I figured I could just phone it in!  And it would prove that I am not the only one who feels like this.  I’m going to let her deliver this word to you, with minimal interjections from the Amen Corner (*denoted like this.)

Preach, ‘Gele!!

A Single Woman’s Sermon

If I hear “you act like you don’t need a man” or “you’re just too picky” one more time, I swear somebody’s head is going to get bust straight to the white meat! (*word!!)  The way I see it, I’m in a catch 22.  I’m single so I have to take care of myself.  I’m the only one writing checks to GA Power, Scana, Wells Fargo Mortgage, LA Fitness, etc.  I have to take my car in for an oil change.  I have to sit all day at the car place, hoping they are not fixing stuff that doesn’t need to be fixed because I don’t know jack!  If I cared that my car was yellow-green instead of silver, I’d be the one responsible to get my car washed (notice I didn’t suggest that I was getting out there to wash my own car…let’s not get crazy).  I have to pick up my own dry cleaning.  I have to go to Publix, Target, and Walgreen’s for chicken, toilet paper, toothpaste.  Anyway, you get the picture.  I am on my own right now.  Like BG said, it’s get it how you live, with me.  What I got – I had to get (*right!).  That’s not saying that I don’t NEED a man.  Baby, I NEED A MAN and I can’t wait to get the right one!!  I’m not even going to touch all the reasons I need one and want one because that’s not the topic.  I am just saying that I have it covered right now.  Think about this:  What if I was in the space where I NEEDED the man that I don’t have to do all these things?  What wouldn’t get paid?  Would I have to live in an apartment because I needed to wait for the man I don’t have to buy a house?  Would my lights get turned off?  Would my car break down because I was waiting on the man that I don’t have to take it for service?   (*Oh, I wish I had somebody to help me up in here!)   

Would I starve because the man I don’t have didn’t stop at Publix?  And tell the truth – how many of y’all would think I was a raggedy so-and-so for letting my business get so raggedy just because I don’t have a man when I’m clearly an educated and employed woman?  You know you would be yelling – “Girl, you better get your $hit together and quit waiting on the man you don’t have to handle your business! You better know how to take care of yourself by yourself.” (*that’s what my momma said!)  Don’t lie!  If you’ve never SAID, you’ve THOUGHT it about somebody that “they gots to do better than that”.

Now, the whole “picky” thing ticks me off more than the “needy” thing.  I’m 37, in good health, kinda cute, got a lot going for me, nice, funny… Why in the HELL would I want a man who is not good for me? (*Whoo! Ashamalamamashouldaboughtahonda!)   Notice I didn’t say “good ENOUGH” for me.  That’s subjective.  A man who looks good on paper might not be worthy but the man who only has 1 suit in his closet might be a better fit.  Why can’t I want a man that is employable?  I know in this economy even the most intelligent and qualified brothers and sisters are out of work so “must have a good job” can’t be a deal breaker for me right now.  Why can’t I want a man that doesn’t have 3 kids by 3 different women, none of which he married?  Why can’t I want a man that is nice looking TO ME?  Why can’t I want a man that can read? (*YES!)  And has read more than the articles in Playboy, since you know ‘they buy the magazines for the articles’?  Why can’t I want a man that doesn’t have a crazy ex-wife or baby mama?  Why can’t I PREFER a man without a baby mama?  I understand that at my age I might be the second wife, and I’m cool with that.  Why can’t I want a man who wants children?  Hell, if it’s important to me, why can’t I want it?  And why is it considered PICKY to have standards like this?  (*Right!  Ain’t nobody talking about benzes or big bank accounts.  How about just faithful and cute?!?!)

PHUCK!!!  Single women can’t win for losing.  Yes, we can…if people would keep that shull-bit about the crisis women are in because we don’t have men out of their mouths.(*Yes! Shut. Up!)  Life and death is in the power of the tongue.  We need to stop saying that there are no good men out there.  THERE ARE!  And guess what…I’m going to marry one of them.  Who knows WHEN – and I’m not going to front, I’m getting impatient!  But I feel like God wouldn’t put this desire on my heart if he didn’t intend to give it to me, in His time of course.  Until then, I’m going to try and enjoy being single.  I can read all night if I want to.  I can eat a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner if I’m too lazy to cook.   I can walk around the house nekkid and not worry about giving anybody mixed signals.  I can go out to eat when and where I want to without coordinating it with anyone unless I want company for conversation.  I can get massages every month without somebody telling me what I don’t need.  I can wear my head scarf without worrying about whether “he” is going to think I look crazy.   🙂  (Bump that! I gotta save my style!)

I said I wasn’t going to go into why I want a man and I won’t say much but I will say this: a good man can do for you what your mama, daddy, brother, sister, Sorors, friends, cousins, coworkers…etc. cannot do.  You need to figure that out on your own.  Just make sure he meets your NEEDS as well as your WANTS.  (*And if he doesn’t, tell him “Deuces, trick!”)

I’m out. 

(*But not quite, because she sent me this second email 2 days later….)

The Husband Headlock

When a woman is in the ‘single woman crisis’ (sarcasm), she may feel desperate to take whatever she can get.  Or worse, she auditions every man she meets, unbeknownst to him, for the Leading Man in her marriage saga.  The Husband.  (Cue dramatic music.)

I’m all for self-disclosure so I’ll admit it, I have envisioned some men that I’ve met in the husband headlock.  Usually they are handsome and successful.  They have it going on…on paper.  I like them…enough.  They seem to like me…I think.  I convince myself that this is IT!  This is ENOUGH!  When I get that foolishness in my mind and when I realize that the story is not quite a fairy tale (except the part where I am kissing a frog) I hoped it would be, I go into panic mode and forget 2 lessons that I have learned the hard way.

  • Love does not conquer all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be single.  I have loved and been loved (we probably weren’t on the same level – one more than the other) but clearly that wasn’t enough to make it work.
  • You can’t love anybody into loving you.  You do not have the capacity to sustain enough love for two people to make a relationship work.  All you do is give away a lot of love and don’t get JACK back.

But I have to make this note: I think we have an unlimited store of love.  It doesn’t have to be rationed so as not to run out but we gotta make sure that we don’t waste it on somebody who won’t handle it with care.

I met this cutie last week.  He’s an Omega…he might be a Que but I’ve never seen him set out a hop nor have I seen him strip down to purple or gold drawers.  (Hmmm…what a nice visual!…  ~smacking myself back into focus~) (*Ha! SHE wrote that!  I told you she was silly like me!)  I haven’t visualized him in the husband headlock but I have ‘seen’ us spending time together.  I like him…so far.  He did stand me up – I left a party earlier than he arrived – but he offered to cut my grass the next day.  I was really disappointed and I wanted an explanation until I realized that he didn’t owe me anything.  I had to question why I thought he did: because I thought it was common courtesy, I guess, or something else.  Still not sure about that.  I guess I’m over it since I’m about to cook for this clown on Sunday.  I need to make him earn his keep.(*You’d betta!)  He’s going to have to wash my car if my neighbor cuts my grass before he gets to it.  I mean, do something.

Why do I write about any of this? Because we women are in crisis!  We all want men!  We cannot function without men! We can’t have anything without men! We cannot be anything without men!  Our world should revolve around…you guessed it…MEN!!!!!!!!  ….. Okay enough of that.  I’m about to throw up writing this foolishness! 

Although we are self-sufficient and have it going on and are doing it by and for ourselves, we do want someone in our lives.  The fact of the matter is we need to be careful of who we let, or force, in.  No one will ever take care of us the way we can and should care for ourselves.  Quit auditioning men.  Quit doing bicep curls preparing for the husband headlock!!  Quit doing leg presses and lunges to tighten up your legs so you can wrestle that man to the ground and twist him in your legs.  (What was that wrestling move called?  The Boston crab?  Yeah, that’s it!)  Enjoy yourself.  Take your sexy off the shelf but accept that all men won’t want you.  Hell, you don’t want every man you come across do you?  Bring your ego down a thousand and realize that you are not every man’s cup of tea.  But you still got it going on!  Trust me!  You are still the bomb.

Wow…I just realized that I’m talking to myself.  The rest of y’all are just getting the benefit of what I am telling myself.  Let’s see how well I hold myself to this for the next 6 months.  Who’s going to hold me accountable? (*I will!)

Rant Volume 27 done, and WE’RE out!  (Shout out to Spelman c/o ’95!)

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6 thoughts on “Joy’s Rant List Volume 27: What SHE Said (Part II of the Jaded Series)

  1. Gele,
    I had to get right home and read this. Great points, and hope women take it to heart. Too many time those “Good Men” get the backlash from an experience with a sorry brutha. I also hope the fellas read this and … what did you say the other day Joy? “Recognize Greatness.”

    On that last note, you know I’m gonna check you if you get outta hand. 🙂

  2. The message is so on point. I’m getting this, “lower your standard,” crap from my own mother. I want to understand the mentality of black men (cuz I never hear women of other races having these collective complaints). Men are the hunters, the ones that pursue, that set the tone of a relationship. Why are they so commitment/marriage adverse? They have been relieved of so many manhood responsibilities…which requires women to step up. Then they complain that we aren’t feminine enough…which is a direct result of them not being masculine. They don’t own any responsibility for the state of black relationships; however, if men are leaders and something ain’t right…I’m going to look to the leadership and have a few less than optimal opinions.

    I do sometimes had a sad thought…women have a desire to be loved that is almost religious. We believe have faith in the fairytale with the same fervor that we believe in God. What if a woman wakes up 80 and still single? Nothing is guaranteed. For some women, they sacrifice motherhood in hopes to be a wife first. Anywho – guess you just have to keep your head up and keep the faith!

    Le Sigh.

  3. Hmmmm…..so many ways that I could respond to this one. But I will say this, I think that too many women and men are not patient enough to wait on the man or woman that HE sends them. Women (and men too) have some checklist that they’ve developed over the years and everytime she/he meets a potential candidate, the list comes out. All too often, people settle…the candidate has enough points that they pass the test. When in actuality, don’t you want your future husband or wife to score that perfect 100? When it comes to selecting the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, do you really want to grade on a curve? I know SO many women and men that are in “loveless” marriages because of this very thing.

    Now as a man who considers myself a “good man,” it was always funny when I would meet a nice, professional woman only to go out on a few dates and then be told that I’m the love of their life and their future husband. Pump the brakes! You don’t even know me yet! I could have a basement full of dead bodies! Men and women “fall into love” differently which is why patience and divine intervention is what is needed. I also have dated the independent women who couldn’t turn it off. There was even one who was pissed off because I made more money than her…what tha hell??? Even my wife had to come to grips with the fact that she needed to let go of the reins. I agree, it is a double-edged sword. But, it can be overcome.. I would elaborate more..but it’s late and I’ve had a few Shocktops….

  4. It’s not the Boston Crab… You are looking for: the Figure 4 Leg Lock, the Frankensteiner, or the Triangle Choke… If you wanted to use your arms as well then the S.T.F. or Scorpion Death Lock would work…

    That being said, great post.

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