Joy’s Rant List, Volume 28: James Bond and Jenna Jameson (Part 3 of the “Jaded Series”)

I’ve talked to fifteleven people about what attracts them to someone.  The answer, if you ask them, is “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  SHENANIGANS!  Every woman in the world would give it to James Bond (or Jason Bourne – Insert your “fantasy” actor).  And, every man in the world would definitely not kick Jenna Jameson out of bed – even if you claim you don’t like white girls! 

So what is the “I gotta have it” factor that makes EVERY person go for these two people?  Well, it ain’t their looks.  In fact, let me give you a quick personal story…

I was watching the latest version of the Incredible Hulk recently.  After a huge explosion, the Hulk takes his unconscious girlfriend to a cave until she wakes up.  Suddenly the lightning flashes and the thunder roars.  He jumps up to yell at the storm, and then puts his body in between the girl and anything that may try to come at him.  When she steps forward to calm him, he grunts and puts out a hand to keep her behind him – protected from any and all harm.  And I had the distinct thought:  The Hulk could get it!!! 

Wait… Did I just decide that I wanted to have sex with a radioactive monster?  Yeah, I did.  What the hell is wrong with me?  (Don’t answer that just yet…)  But, what would bring out sexual attraction to a green, speech-impeded, half-nekkid, no-shower-taking monster?  Answer:  He could protect me.  I am not saying I want to marry or even date him, but his ability to protect me makes me feel safe.  And then something deep inside me says it is okay to trade sex for protection.  (Trust me and just keep reading…)

In researching this rant, I asked my homeboys what they like about porn stars (and strippers).  “They’re fine, and they’re nasty.”  That’s it.  It’s not personality, cooking ability, or intellect (Who even talks to a porn star?)  It’s that she is pretty and willing to do any nasty thing a guy wants.  Think I’m wrong?  MEN – ask yourselves how many times you have thought: She’s crazy but she is fine as hell.  Or, she makes me SICK, but she gives great head.  Don’t be ashamed.  We know you do it.  You may even be married to… (Hold that thought…)

So we know that men are visual creatures.  Man see, Man want. 

Well, Women are cerebral creatures, i.e. can this Man protect me?  Now, the definition of protection varies from woman to woman – thus so will attraction.  In prehistoric times, it used to be strictly physique.  The caveman with the longest arms and the biggest muscles was more likely to win all his fights, which translated to keeping the cavewoman and cavechildren alive.  Naturally, he got the prettiest cavewoman.  Genetically speaking, that’s why jocks get cheerleaders to this day.  But we are a little more sophisticated in the 21st century.  If muscles and height were the only way to protect a woman, we’d all be taller.  But the invention of money brought another form of protection – financial stability.  If you couldn’t physically fight off all rivals, you could pay someone to do it for you and still keep a roof over her head with food in the refrigerator. 

Warning:  A woman that is only attracted to your money would rather have sex with your wallet than with you… 

(Personally, I think smart guys are sexy.  A tall smart guy with nice shoulders is sexier than a short smart guy with a pot belly… And a tall smart guy with a gun could get it.  Attraction to intelligence follows the genetic law, but in a modified way.  In today’s society, smart men rule the world (allegedly), and their genes are preferable.  Did you know that sperm from doctors and scientists are the most requested at fertility clinics?) 

Summary:  Muscles are sexy to everyone.  Brains are sexy to women who value intelligence.  Money is only sexy to women who don’t have it.

(It’s almost time to tell me what you really think…)

HYPOTHESIS:  Marriage is a contractual bartering of sex for protection. 

Men – no matter how much you like talking to your wife, sharing dreams and ambitions with her, and/or watching her rear your children… You want to hit that.  I know of no man that ever married a woman he didn’t want to bang.  PLENTY of women have married dudes they NEVER wanted to give it up to.  Some of you may know men that are married to women who won’t give them any.  I’ll bet she’s fine, and he’s got money.  (Refer back to Rant # 14 about faking it.)

Women – you want to feel safe and protected.  If a man convinces you that he can protect you, he can get in your pants.  How about another personal story?  In college, I got stranded, and one of my homeboys had my car towed then got me a hotel room for the night.  He saved me, and if he had made a play for me that night…  He could have hit it.  I wasn’t even attracted to him – but he could have gotten it on “rescue euphoria.”  Alas, by the next day, the moment had passed.  I’ll bet he’s reading this right now and thinking “Dayum! I knew it!”

Now, let’s say a man loses a fight.  He also loses any chance at getting with any girl who saw him fail.  By the way, this explains why women don’t like guys who cry or faint at the sight of blood – and the thug/bad boy love.  1) No girl wants a punk-a$$ boyfriend.  2) Thugs and bad boys are in great physical shape and win all their fights.  Now, this does not mean we want to marry these guys – they usually don’t live long, like to hit women and generally act an a$$.  But they are sexy, and in this age of free love, we try them out.  Curiosity kills the cat (Boy does it ever…).  But that is a young girl’s game.  Grown women trade physique for mental and financial stability.  So this is why EVERY woman likes James Bond.  He’s in great physical shape and carries a gun (raw protection).  He has a job (financial security).  He is smart and dresses well (charm), and he is a great lover (self-explanatory).  He is every woman’s fantasy! 

Men, again, want someone who is pretty and freaky.  Now, for the men who want a wife, they also want that ‘pretty, freaky woman’ to be sane as well as have some sense of decorum so they can take her around their friends and family.  You can’t turn a whore into a housewife.  But you can try to turn your housewife into your own personal whore.  And that is every man’s fantasy!   Kim Kardashian is fun to look at, but there is a reason most men like Catholic Schoolgirl and Librarian costumes…  

PROBLEM:  So why, then, are we not finding these fantasies?  Well, because everyone thinks they can ‘order off the menu’ in their love life.  We want to get exactly what we want, and none of the things we don’t want.  You want sushi with brown rice, hold the cream cheese.  (Our parents didn’t even know about sushi.)  You want a double cheeseburger with extra bacon – and apple slices.  (Our parents ate meatloaf.)  You want a half-caf nonfat caramel machiatto.  (Our parents drank coffee.)  What the hell happened to a cup of Folgers?  

SOLUTION:  Get the meal on the menu, and PUT SOME HOT SAUCE ON IT!  If you don’t like hot sauce, then get some BBQ sauce, ranch dressing…  Whatever!  Figure out what the most important aspects are in a mate, and find someone who has them.  Then adjust your palette so you can take whatever comes along with it (within reason).  If it isn’t perfect, then dash a little Lawry’s on there too and…  Make. It. Work!

Rant Volume 28 done, and I’m out!