Joy’s Rant List, Volume 29: The Secret Life of Single Women

Recently, I’ve been trying to speak ‘stark reality’ to you all (with a comic twist).  I am not dressing anything up, sugar coating, politicking, even rephrasing.  In an effort to be even more ‘real’ with you, I am going to let you men in on the secret life that single women live.  Single men – this may explain some things.  Married men – this may help you appreciate what you’ve got. 

Single women – I’m telling on you.

Let’s start with the small stuff.  Single women don’t like to cook, clean, or do laundry.  We do these things because we are, at the very least, aware of the need for order.  Also, we don’t want to starve to death.  If we decide to cook something, we want the kitchen to be clean beforehand.  Since we live alone, we will have to clean the kitchen in order to cook – which is why we don’t cook, because we don’t feel like washing dishes, cooking, and then having to wash all the pots and pans afterwards.  We can do all of that, or eat a bowl of Cheerios.  What would you pick?  All my friends know I love to cook – but here’s my secret.  I cook for my friends and THEY clean the kitchen when I’m done!  So if I were to get married one day, my husband could get all the food he wanted – if he would wash dishes.  See how that works?  Or, if neither of us wants to wash dishes, this is another good use for children.  I keep a roster of college kids on hand who will work for food.  On days when I can’t sucker other people into cleaning the kitchen, I’m probably not cooking.  This is not to say that we never cook or clean.  Just that if, after a long day at work, we are faced with the option of not doing it, we probably won’t. 

As for laundry – single women will wash clothes and dry them, and then…meh.  We might fold them and put them up, or we might leave them in the basket and just wear them out of the basket as needed.  The critical point here is ironing.  If they need to be ironed, then we might as well leave them in the basket because we’ll have to iron them anyway (since we’d already left them in the dryer overnight).  So if your wife is doing laundry and putting it all away nice and neat – thank her for that.  She didn’t do that before she married you.  Somewhere in most single women’s house is a bed, couch, or closet full of clean clothes that will never see a hanger.

Right now, there is a pile of unopened letters and bills on my couch, along with a couple paperback books, my purse, a Playstation controller, my mp3 player…  All of this junk has a place.  And if someone else lived here, I would put it in its proper place.  But no one else lives here.  So nobody knows that my couch is junky.  You would never have known if I hadn’t told you.  (But my homegirls know, because I don’t clean up when they come over.  They just clear a spot.)  Women clean up when the mess gets on their nerves, or when men come over.  We can do it forever, too.  We just don’t want to – and won’t, if we don’t have to.  Because when we clean, we forget where we put stuff.  “My house is clean, but now I can’t find my ___.”  Happens to us all the time.  If I ever get married, I will keep things straight.  Although, honestly, I don’t envy married women who have to clean up after themselves and all the other people in the house (husband, kids, etc.).  I might negotiate a housekeeper into my pre-nup.  I’ll pay for it, too!

You may want to take a deep breath for this one:  Barring a few outliers, most single women don’t shave their legs unless they have a reason to.  They don’t shave …anything else…unless they have a reason to.  I’ll just stop with that.  It’s worse in the winter, when we wear pants and jeans all the time.  We are a little more … meticulous in the summer.  I only know a couple of women that keep their legs shaved constantly.  The rest of us only do it when there is a reasonable probability that someone will see them.  Like in a relationship scenario.  I am so glad my church lets women wear pants!  (Side Note: if I we won’t shave our legs for Jesus…  I’m just sayin’.)  There is also a teaching moment in here:  Men, if you are with a woman and she is all trimmed up – please believe she had a reasonable expectation of showing you her handiwork.  But if you wanted to know why your girl wouldn’t let you get her jeans off last November – she probably wasn’t expecting to have anyone in her ‘front yard’.   

Most single women are always off doing something.  We don’t sit at home, waiting on you to call.  We are not out in the club, per se, but we are out of the house.  If all we did was sit at home waiting on you, you would think we were lame.  So don’t get mad when we are not lame.  Also understand that if you WANT us to be at home waiting on you, you need to be coming over. 

Single women (and most married women) like having sex just as much as you do.  But respectable women don’t run around throwing out all their tricks to any given male.  Sure, we could do ‘that thing’ that you want.  And we have a freaky streak a mile wide.  We have an entire list of things we want to do and try!  We have all this pent-up sexual experimentation just sitting on simmer, waiting on the right man to come into our kitchen.  But we are not going to turn out a stranger – or a cut buddy.  You want your own personal nasty girl?  Put a ring on it.  Disclaimer – everyone has their limits.  And if you are in a committed relationship that is headed towards the alter, you need to have that discussion.  Another good use for a pre-nup!  “I want ‘that thing’ every other Tuesday night once we get married.”  Sure!  But if you are just ‘dating’ – expect casual-level encounters.  If you get it at all.

(Disclaimer – there are promiscuous crazy jezebels all over the place.  I’m not talking about Danger, who smashed the homies.  I’m talking about the girl who used to sit in front of you in math class, and other ‘raised right’ women.)

Single professional women are used to making decisions and doing for themselves.  We deal with idiots at work who are not qualified to do their job, so we have to do our work and theirs too.  We take control and get it done.  And since we work 8 – 10 hours a day, we struggle when trying to ‘turn off” our independent ways.  Some men say this is one of their pet peeves about single professional women – they are too damned independent.  Secret:  we really don’t want to do all that!  We would LOVE to let a man take control and run the show in our personal lives.  But – just like our coworkers – if you are not qualified for the job, then we will do your work and ours too.  Why would I let you drive my car if your car is already wrecked?!  However, to my fellow Professional Women – there are plenty of good men out there, but the last thing they want to do is compete with you at home for dominance.  If you really want a good man, and if they are qualified, you are going to have to work on turning off your independent switch.  I’m not saying turn into a damsel in distress when you hit the front door, I’m merely saying stop trying to one-up your man at every turn.  Men make a note though:  if she’s that strong (without being evil), she can probably make you better – just ask Fabolous and Neo!

Rant 29 done, and I’m out.

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