Joy’s Rant List, Volume 30: Of Mice and Men


This rant has nothing to do with the American classic book.  This has to do with a certain subset of humans that are just slightly offset the rest: The Alpha humans.  Now I say ‘humans’ and not ‘males’ because Alpha Females do exist.  But that’s the next rant.  This one is about Alpha Males: how to see one and possibly…  how to score one.  (For the fellas, you may peruse this and honestly determine your REAL status – for free!)

Okay Joy…  What is an Alpha Male?  How do I spot one, Joy?  Why should I even care?

The Alpha Male is the one that everyone wants.  You may have heard it said about certain men: “Women want him and men want to be him.”  Yep – that’s the guy.  The proverbial “leader of the pack”.  Here are some examples of Alpha Males throughout history:  Alexander the Great.  Hammurabi (Google him – I don’t have time to teach you).  The “Most Interesting Man in the World” from the Dos Equis commercials.  King Arthur – father of the knight’s code that we call ‘chivalry’ today.  It was created to protect the weak, and not to show respect, by the way.  Women and children just happened to be weaker.  But I digress.  Al Capone.  Hugh Heffner.  Any Clint Eastwood character.  Prince.  Yes, Prince!  Who else can look at you and make you his slave with one word?  Prince is both a lone wolf AND a pack leader.  And musically speaking, when have you ever known Prince to not do whatever the hell he wanted?  Who else decides to just be named:   

Technically, there are three levels of man: Alpha, Beta and… BAMA.  More on BAMA later. 

1)  ALPHA (10%):  The thing that all Alpha Males have in common is that they are leaders.  They lead even before someone asks.  They decide what they are going to do, and just do it.  They dominate their surroundings, and sometimes you feel dominated just by them walking into the room.  They tell YOU how it’s going to be (even in the bedroom).  Alpha Males either make rules or break rules, but they don’t live by someone else’s – unless they previously decided they already agreed with those rules first.  This is why two grown men have a hard time living in the same house.  Every household/pack/group has a leader. 

(SIDE NOTE:  In the absence of a true Alpha Male, a Beta Male will shoulder the responsibility.  Have you ever met a man that was in charge of things (life, work, love) but sometimes seemed just a touch overwhelmed?  Beta Male.  And that’s not a bad thing.  Not. A. Bad. Thing!!  Beta Males are awesome – and good soldiers in the struggle.  And honestly, a Beta Male will probably make a better husband for most women.  Here is something to remember, though – EVERY MAN WANTS TO BE THE ALPHA MALE IN HIS OWN HOUSE.)

But, when it comes to the rest of the world, only a true Alpha Male remains the undisputed leader of the pack.  And, yes, there can only be one!   

A.  All Alpha Males live life with an unwavering sense of entitlement.  They absolutely believe the world exists for their taking.  They have incredible powers of persuasion that stem from their inner confident core.  It is this confident core that attracts women.  How else can Prince wear 5 inch heels, mascara and a roller set, but still have women fainting over him?  How else could he change his name to a symbol, and get EVERYONE to refer to him as “The artist formerly known as Prince” for years – until HE decided it was cool to speak his name again!?! 

Let me repeat my point for emphasis:  It is this confident core that attracts women.  How else did Forest Whitaker end up with a bangin’ wife BEFORE he made any money as an actor?  (C’mon, y’all know that lazy eye ain’t no parts of sexy.)

Basically, women are not attracted to bad boys, they are attracted to the manufactured confidence they exude.  Power=protection, and I’ve told you before how women are drawn to protective men on a DNA level.  But be warned: there is a dark side to the Alpha Male too…  They can be sociopaths!  As a matter of fact, real Pimps tend to be Alpha Males – a classic example of using those confident powers of persuasion for evil. 

(SIDE NOTE:  Single moms – if you are raising an Alpha Male, you need to recognize and manage them accordingly or else they will end up running your house and you before turning into a full on hellion.  This transformation can happen as early as TWO YEARS OLD so pay close, close attention in order to recognize the signs EARLY!) 

The last thing you want to see is an Alpha Male gone bad.  The Alpha Male personality will emerge early on in life as willfulness.  They will try to tell you what to do – not in a dominating kind of way, but in a “This just makes more sense so let’s do it my way” kind of way.  One future Alpha Male gave his mother a rational argument for why she needed to just let him play outside – for her own good.  His rationale was “I’ll be out of your hair, and I promise not to cross the street”.  Sound argument.  Another one I saw in a restaurant told his older sister to use her “inside voice”.  One mannish little Alpha brat ran his hand up my calf (He was THREE) and then looked at me as if I was stupid when I asked him why he did it.  His response – “I wanted to feel it”.  SMH. 

I have an Alpha male friend who, in college, stopped the guys in his dorm from running a train on a drunken co-ed.  He didn’t respect or care about her as a person.  He just did what was right.  Period.  Some guys could have easily looked the other way.  For him, self respect and respect of others go hand in hand.  He would not respect himself if he allowed her to hurt herself.  Respect is a HUGE deal to Alpha males. 

For example, my dad (another Alpha male) was helping his buddy move wood from a downed tree into the garage.  His friend’s crazy, bitchy wife came out and started cursing at them and hitting his friend.  The friend flinched.  She came towards my dad, arm raised, and he looked her in the eye and simply said “Don’t. Touch. Me.”  She backed up AND took herself back in the house. 

I met an Alpha Male at the gym last night, and in the 20 minutes that we talked, I found him fascinating.  He gave me some great advice about a number of things from dating to investments.  And he’d never gone to college, but had gone from a garbage man riding on the back of the truck to a regional manager for the same company in just 15 years.  He told me that he was going to retire in 5 years (at 53) to Panama with his wife, after he sold his houses.  Self. Made. Man. 

B.  Alpha Males always give you a VERY rational explanation of why their way is better.  They will do what they think is best for you and for them – even if you don’t want or ask them to figure it out in the first place!  They are not gentlemen all the time, but they are always chivalrous.  I’m assuming you need me to tell you the difference:  A gentleman will open doors for you, protect you from overt danger, bring you flowers, etc.  An Alpha male will be on constant alert for any threat to you, real or imagined.  They open doors for you because any threats will most likely come from outside, so get yourself inside!  They don’t seek to impress you with their chivalry, they do it because – on some level – they think you belong to them and will never allow anyone to mess up their “stuff” (i.e. YOU).  They have an inherent need to protect.  This includes their friends, sisters, mothers, aunts, children, and any women in the vicinity if he’s the only guy around (which tends to happen to them a lot).  An Alpha Male will help you down the stairs but simultaneously fuss at you for wearing stupid shoes that require him to help you down the stairs.  Occasionally, however, they just disappear for a while because you keep wanting to go places with more than 6 exits and keeping an eye on all those exits starts to induce eye tics.  Basically, Alpha males are built to lead and protect, but not necessarily to fall in love and live happily ever after. 

2)  BETA (60%):  Beta Males are the proverbial “good man”.  They are not as bold or confident as the Alpha Male, but extremely solid.  They take care of home, and they are responsible.  They recognize the benefits of a good woman.  They are fiercely protective of their own, too – but that stops at a much smaller circle than with an Alpha Male.  In other words, he might be checking for you, but your girl?  He doesn’t know her.  That’s why you get a drink at the club, and she doesn’t.  The only place where they fall short is that their bark is always bigger than the bite.  Please know a big bark may be all you’ll ever need, so that is NOT.A.BAD.THING.  However, I warn you to NEVER make the mistake of thinking an Alpha male’s bite is smaller than his bark – NEVER.  Beta males may also not be as strong of will as they want you to believe.  They may have some insecurities that they haven’t dealt with well.  They may complain about their situation but do nothing to change it.  They fear change.  Interestingly, a Beta Male can be transitioned into an Alpha Male either by circumstance, by social pressure, or by having an Alpha Female by his side (more on the Alpha Female with the next rant).  As a matter of fact, those three components came together in a perfect storm to transform one very high ranking government official who shall remain nameless…  Yep.  THAT’s the kind of ‘potential’ you should be looking for in a man.

3)  BAMA (30%):  BAMAs are the absolute bottom of the barrel.  B.A.M.A. stands for Bitch-Ass-Male-Adult.  I have been told time and again by different men that any human with a penis that’s over 18 is a man.  I disagree with that definition, but whatever. 

(SIDE NOTE:  We need to bring back ‘Rites of Passage’ ceremonies.  Let’s send Lil Ray Ray out by himself to kill a lion with his bare hands.  If he comes home, he’s a man.  If he dies, well…  That’s one less B.A.M.A. contributing genes to the gene pool.  Djimon Honsou killed a lion with a rock in Amistad.  And King Leonidas killed a wolf with a knife in 300!…But I digress.)

A BAMA is the type of dude that will have a problem with you if you make more money than he does.  He gossips – and not that useful office politics gossip.  I mean that “I heard she was sleeping with so-and-so” gossip.  He is a hypocrite.  He resents others’ happiness.  He is a hater.  He will tell you that you can’t do any better than him.  He preys on the weak and insecure (Alpha and Beta Males do NOT tolerate insecure women).  He tells you what you want to hear.  He is content to live off of a woman if she will let him.  He is lazy.  He probably has a great body because 1) he spends all his time at the gym and not working and 2) he is trying to distract you from the fact that he has nothing BUT his body going for him.  He will use you if you let him.  BAMAs will imitate the actions and mannerisms of Alphas and Betas.  But watch them for 3 months or more, and you will start to see them for the mice they are.  Remember Prince Charming from Rant # 26?  BAMA!!  A BAMA will act like a badass until an Alpha or Beta male steps up and punks him (check out Gran Torino!).  He is the guy that Alphas and Betas wish they could kill off, because he is messing it up for everyone else. 

(SIDE NOTE:  Some people may point out that women contribute to the recent exponential increase in B.A.M.A. males: The sister had to have slept with him too, or the woman let him live off of her, etc.  And you are right – we will discuss those women in the next rant, too.  But let me be clear – just because the guy you like dogged you, he may not be BAMA.  He may just not have been that into you.  Check your own actions and see where your culpability lies.  Even an Alpha Male will hit it if you throw it at him enough – though they tend to be very picky because their manhood is not defined by their “cookie count”.  Regardless ladies, no matter the level of male, listen when they tell you who they really are – then believe it!!!)

SUMMARY:  Sooo…  Take a moment and examine the man you like/love/married/dumped/have a secret crush on. 

1)      If you think he’s an Alpha Male, then get used to doing things his way.  You’ll probably like it anyway.  Hang on for the ride.  But beware – Alpha Males are extremely self-sufficient.   They don’t like damsels in distress because it gets tiring rescuing you over and over again.  Like wolves, Alpha Males will mate for life, but only with a suitable mate.  And if they feel trapped, they will chew through their own ankle to escape.  If you are a pushover, they won’t respect you.  And if you are a hard case, they won’t waste their time with you.  There’s a thin area of grey in which to play with an Alpha male.  So don’t think you are going to offer him anything that he can’t live without (sex, food, etc.).  And know that you may have to share him with whatever cause he has decided to champion (for the Alpha Male likes to make an impact). 

2)      If he’s a Beta Male – treat him with respect, and he will respect you.  You can be his equal, but you will still need to let him be the man.  Stop acting up and recognize the good man that’s in front of you.  Or, if you dumped him, waiting on an Alpha Male…  It sucks to be you.  You let a good one go. 

3)      If he is a BAMA – remember that it truly is better to be alone than be with a dude that is sooo punkable! 

Rant 30 done, and I’m out.