Joy’s Rant List Volume #32: Close Encounters of the BAMA Kind

THIS will explain why I don’t go on blind dates.  Recently, I was subjected to the worst date I’ve had this millennia (because nothing will ever be worse than the guy who lit a cigarette in my car back in 1997).  Initially, I intended to post a venting-style rant (old school!) about the foolishness, but then I thought (…okay my editor thought): “I should make this a teaching moment for other women.”

Basically, I’m going to show you how you can avoid being “BAMA Bait.”  Wait…  If you don’t know what that phrase means, you need to go back and read Rants #30 and #31. 

We’ll wait…

Okay, so how and why did I end up here?  Well, it was one part absent-mindedness and one part not knowing any better.  A lady I used to work with told me that she had a ‘friend’ who was ‘looking for a nice girl’, etc. etc.  This was maybe 3 years ago.  I forgot all about it.  Out of the blue, she calls and asks could she give ‘that guy she told me about’ my number.  What guy?  Uhh, sure…  I didn’t think he would call me…  So, he called me on a Friday morning, AND sounded like the Old Spice Guy.  I liked his voice, so I agreed to meet him for a movie that same night.  I love movies, and he sounded like he looked good, so…   He told me to look for the guy in an orange shirt.  (Since I live in Florida, I didn’t even trip on the orange shirt because everybody has something orange.)  TRICKERY!!!!

Editor’s Side Note:  Spontaneity is nice, but, er, uhm…  Get to know a little bit more about a random stranger dude before you agree to meet him the same night after talking to him once on the phone.  #jussayin   (Author’s add on: …uhhh…shut up!  LOL!  Okay, maybe you kinda have a point…I hate it when you’re right!!!)

I arrive and see a guy coming towards me in an orange shirt.  My first thought was, “…You’ve got to be F-ing kidding me.  Am I being punked?”  Yo…. Why did this 5-foot-short dude in a SMEDIUM orange polo and khakis roll up on me?  Dude looked like Napoleon on steroids.  How do you stretch a POLO shirt that much?  Even the shirt’s stitches were begging him to go up a size – seriously.  It was all I could do to not turn and run.  Well, he was really cut, but I had no choice but to notice since the seams of his shirt and his muscles were fighting over space!  So far, he hadn’t actually done anything wrong other than be fashion-challenged.  Lots of people are fashion-challenged in Florida…  I decided it would be mean and shallow to run so I stayed… That was a mistake. 

TEACHING MOMENT #1:  A BAMA dude draws your attention to his body hoping that you will ignore where he is lacking in other areas (SPOILER ALERT:  Dude had no conversational skills).

After the regular introductions, he asked me if I wanted to get ice cream…

Side Note:  Ever since Michelle said that Barack finally got her attention with ice cream, guys have been pulling this move.  Stop!  It is not going to work for you!  This is just as bad as all the guys who started letting women eat the last piece of food on the plate after “The Brothers” came out.  We know that is a trick you got off television.  Guys, repeat after me:  Be original!

I told him that I didn’t really want any ice cream.  He looked disappointed but then suggested coffee.  Cool.  We go to get coffee, and he orders a chai latte.  He tells me how he doesn’t drink coffee because of all the caffeine.  THEN he says,

“…And with that dress you’ve got on giving me a headache, I definitely can’t do caffeine.  Ha ha haaa.”

What did I say in response to him???  “Hmmm…” (with a tepid smile on my face)

What did I say to myself!?!  “Did you just insult my FAVORITE dress?  WTH?  Are you crazy?  How are you going to sit there with a shirt on that’s so tight I KNOW you can’t take a deep breath and insult my clothes?  Man, FUCK YOU!!!     (Silent Profanity Count:  1)

TEACHING MOMENT #2A:  A BAMA dude tries to make you think that you can’t do any better than him.  He preys on common female insecurities and tries to dismantle your self-esteem.  Ladies, if it has ever crossed your mind to change your attire, your hair or your shoes because some dude you barely know said he didn’t like it…you are at high risk of becoming “BAMA Bait”!!

It was at this point that I “Tweeted” for help:  ‘How do you politely escape a disaster date!?!’ The “Twitterati” determined that I had no reasonable escape.  (I think they just knew a rant would come out of it and wanted to see how painfully it ended – for him.)  After a little more boring conversation about muscles (he’s a trainer), we went to the theater.  Lots of movies were playing.  He suggested we watch “Dinner for Schmucks”…

Me: “Oh, I’ve already seen that.”

BAMA: “Well, would you like to see it again?”

Me: “Well, I’ve already seen it twice, so… How about ‘The Expendables?’  I’ve been meaning to see it.”

BAMA: “Yeah… I hadn’t really planned on seeing that one.  I heard ‘Dinner for Schmucks’ was really funny.”

Me: “Yes, it was.  Both times I saw it.  I tell you what… How about we go see ‘The Expendables’ and go ‘dutch’ on the movie?  That way, you won’t be out of too much cash if it sucks.  We can just go see the movie and then call it a night.”

He agreed, so off we went to see ‘The Expendables’ (AWESOME MOVIE, by the way). 

During the previews, they showed the trailer for “The Last Exorcism.”  Now I have to tell you – like I told him – that I absolutely cannot stand supernatural-devil-possession movies.  Can’t do it.  Can’t watch it.  Won’t even watch the trailer.  It scares me.  I admit it.  So, during the preview, I look away, and he makes fun of me for looking away.  (Refer back to TEACHING MOMENT #2A)

BAMA: “I can’t believe you are sitting there with your eyes closed!”

Me: “They are not closed.  I just am not looking forward.”

BAMA: “You can look now.  It’s over.”

Me: “Uh, yeah, I can still hear it.  Nice try.”

My thoughts:  Now I don’t know what kind of idiot you think I am, but I can still hear the trailer playing.  I’m not stupid, and I’m not deaf either!  Did you really think I would fall for that?  And I just told you how I don’t do devil movies, and you want to try to trick me into looking up so I will have nightmares for the next six weeks?  Man, FUCK YOU!    (Silent Profanity Count:  2)

Sigh….  I really liked ‘The Expendables’, but he tried to ruin it for me by – get this – CRITIQUING the muscles on the guys in the movie.  PAUSE.

My thoughts:  Dude, are you really sitting next to me discussing these other guys’ bodies?  I don’t care if it’s an analytical approach…  WHY are you doing it?  Questionable…

TEACHING MOMENT #2B: A BAMA is a HATER.  Not only will he try to sabotage your self esteem, he will malign other men in an effort to make himself seem more appealing than he really is.

He said that Jason Statham wasn’t as ripped as he could be, and if he drank more water, he could improve his definition.  I said “Yeah, but he could still get it though.”  When I said that, he looked at me sideways – and my path of escape became crystal clear.  I spent the rest of the movie talking about how sexy the guys were.  Plus, the fight scenes were STELLAR! 

BAMA:  “…over the top with too much blood and gore for my taste.”

Me:  “…loved it – violence rules! 

BAMA:  “Wow, I’ve never met a straight woman who liked blood and guts as much as you.”

My thoughts:  Did he just call me a…WTH!?!  Man, FUCK YOU!  (Silent Profanity Count:  3 — That’s three strikes, and you’re out!)

After the movie ends, I am the happiest I have been all evening.  We walk out with me gushing about the movie and him giving noncommittal grunts.  I am also tweeting and replying to my friends on Facebook who have been listening to me complain all at the same time.  He was oblivious.  As we reach the curb, this was the interchange:

Me: “Where did you park?”

BAMA: “I’m off to the left.”

Me: “Oh…  Well, I’m wayyyy off to the right.  So I’ll just head to my car.  You don’t have to walk me.  It’s still early so no creeps out yet.”

My thoughts:  No creeps except you.

BAMA: “You’re not afraid the devil is going to get you?”

Me: “……….No.”

My thoughts:  That was actually kind of funny, but… I hate you now so no “kee-kee-kee” from me on that one.)

BAMA: “Well I –“

Me: (interrupting) “I really enjoyed the movie.  It was great meeting you.  Be safe getting home.”

We shake hands.  I walk off in one direction, and he goes the other way.  He didn’t even make a protest about walking me to my car.  He didn’t even turn around to look if I needed help on the way there.  The sad thing is…  We were actually parked on the same side.  I walked in the opposite direction then hid in Johnny Rockets for 10 minutes to make sure he was gone before I went to my car.  As a matter of fact, he never even called or texted me to see if I made it home safely! 

TEACHING MOMENT #3:  BAMAs are selfish.  Alpha and Beta men are all about protection.  A Beta would have at least put up more of a protest about me walking alone at 9pm.  An Alpha simply never would have allowed it to happen.  Ladies, if you don’t see anything wrong with what he did here, you are even more at risk of being BAMA Bait!! 

So, what have we all learned???

SUMMARY:  1) Follow your first instinct; 2) Don’t let anyone try to dim your light with petty words. 3) Don’t let people who only know you professionally fix you up on blind dates; and 4) Jason Statham could get it.  (Read Rant #28, then go see the movie.  You will clearly see why!)

Rant #32 done, and I’m out!