Joy’s Rant list, Volume 34: Close Encounters of the BAMA Kind – Part II: The BAMA Strikes Back!

This ain't what'cha want....


*cough, gag, cough*  


*cough, choke, sputter, wheeze*

Wow… that was harder to say than I thought.  J

This is a story of how I gave my friend some sound advice about “giving a good man a chance.”  This is also a story about how that ish backfired on her (and by extension on me) like you wouldn’t believe.

To fully understand this rant, you have to have been following me for at least 3 months – that way you will know about Alpha Males, Alpha Females, Betas, BAMAs and FIFAs.  Go check out Rants 30, 31 and 32 then you will know all that you need to know.  If you don’t feel like reading all of that, don’t worry.  This will still be tragically funny to you.  It is to me!  Maybe not to my friend, but, hey – let’s learn from her mistakes.

SN: She may construe this as MY mistake since I sorta talked her into this, but… *shrug*

My friend travels a lot and frequently uses rental cars.  While waiting in line at Hertz, the tall and attractive man in front of her struck up a friendly conversation.  During their 20 minute wait, she learned the following:  He was a DC lobbyist with an Ivy League degree, similar age, single, no kids, tall AND fine.  He even “lobbied” her for a date that night.  (Y’all know how I like aggression and spontanaeity.)

After she left, she called me to relay the experience.  I asked her if she gave him her number, and she said, “Nah.  I took his, but I was really kinda ho-hum about him.  Something about him rubbed me the wrong way.” 

*blank stare into the phone*

Ho-hum?!?!  HO-HUM?!?!  I yelled into the phone: “Girl! Do you know how many women would give their left ovary to have a man like that try to holla at them?!?!  What is wrong with you?  You should have given the brother a chance.  See, that’s why you’re single.  You are just too hard on brothers.  There’s nothing wrong with him, and you are just being difficult….”  After my tirade, she apparently decided to call the guy.  Their schedules that weekend didn’t allow the date he wanted, but the phone conversations continued…

TWO MONTHS LATER:  My girl has decided that maybe he is ‘all that.’  He’s smart, vice-president at a major corporation, loves sports, has been consistent in calling, etc.  I GLOAT in my glory of being right.  She finally agrees to visit him, and he asks her to join him in New Orleans for a weekend since he runs his own company there.  Wow – nice first date, right?  At this point, I am really rubbing it in as to how she almost missed out because of unnecessary contrariness.  She buys her plane ticket to New Orleans, but he promises to arrange everything else.  She then receives an email confirmation of her 5-star hotel accommodations.  Can I pick ‘em or what?!?

(Cue dark and twisted music…) 

Sexy, suave, psycho... serial killer...

On an early Saturday morning, I wake up to a text message from her: 

When I see U, I am going 2 stab U in both kidneys with a #2 pencil

Dayum!  Huh?  What did I do?  I call but get no answer.  I assume it’s just a joke.  She calls back 2 hours later with the sordid details:  She’d had to take a red-eye that landed at 6:30 AM.  She called “The Lobbyist” (that will be his serial killer moniker until further notice) to ask where they should meet.  He says, “Wow – you’re here already? I thought your flight landed sometime after 7.  Uhhh…  Give me 20 minutes to get there.”

Now you have to know my friend to understand how this aggravated her.  She’s the type of person that will meet you inside the airport if you visit her.  She’s also a meticulous planner – so I am SURE she sent him her itinerary beforehand.  And even still – if her flight landed “sometime after 7” then why was he STILL ASLEEP at 6:30?  I need to immediately downgrade my expectations for the weekend.

After he picks her up from the outside curb with the car still running, he confesses that he was tired from partying until almost 3 AM.  He then says he meant to figure out if she could get an early check-in, but he never got around to it.  He would call the hotel now, but he doesn’t know the hotel information.

Did I mention that my friend is a meticulous planner?  I said that, right?  So you know she is slowly starting to get the same feeling of dread I got when I went out with “Super Smedium Orange Polo BAMA” a few months back (Rant #32).

She called the hotel herself, then turned used her GPS to get directions, since he wasn’t sure where it was, other than “In the Quarter”. 

Remember from Rant #31, when I told you that an Alpha Female will give you a chance, and it’s yours to F- up?  Yeah – she converted to “you’ve failed, so I will now take care of myself mode” immediately.

After  she tells me all of this, I am thinking “Ummm.  Okay, everyone has their faults… Right?”  I tell her that maybe he will make it up to her later.  And she should just relax and go with the flow for the rest of the weekend.  She reluctantly agreed to let it all go, and just enjoy her trip.  She loves good food so what better place to be for the weekend than New Orleans, Louisiana? 

(More psycho horror music…)  Around 11PM the same day, I get another text message from her:

That right eyeball of yours?  Yeah, it’s smooth coming OUT with some dull toothpicks!

ME: Why I gotta be blind in one eye!?!

HER: Because it’s your fault that I ever called this guy in the first place.  He is batshyt crazy.

Sigh…. What could possibly have happened now?  Come to find out, The Lobbyist took her to a breakfast spot where the only thing on the menu she could eat was pancakes.  She doesn’t eat beef or pork.  And he knew that.  But WHO finds a restaurant in New Orleans that doesn’t serve crawfish, shrimp or crab?!?  For lunch, he took her to a Thai restaurant that he ADMITTED wasn’t one of his favorite restaurants.  WHO COMES TO NEW ORLEANS TO EAT THAI FOOD?!?  And then…

1)      He refuses to wear his seatbelt and drives while drinking an open container of Hurricane. 

2)      She says she is concerned that he’s on his 4th drink of the day before the sun sets – AND driving with no seatbelt. 

3)      He chugs the rest of the Hurricane so he won’t be drinking and driving and not wearing his seatbelt. 

Why is this batshyt crazy dude trying to kill my friend by driving drunk?  By the end of the evening, she is literally sick to her stomach.  He drops her back at the hotel, but she feels bad for ending the night so early.  She tries to call and catch him on his way home.  He answers his phone and says, “I’m not going home.  I’m about to go hang out.” 

HER INTERNAL THOUGHTS:  Seriously?  You got me to come down here to be with you for the weekend so you could leave me in the hotel and hang out on Bourbon Street?!  Okay, forget expectations.  What else can happen for me to blame on Joy!?!

Well…  At least he didn’t send her the late night text asking if she was awake.  That would have been a dead give-a-way that he brought her there for a weekend of “On Demand Ass” – also known as a “Baller Booty Call”. 

Beware women.  Some BAMAs are not broke! 

Instead, the next day, The Lobbyist asks her to come with him while he handles some business and checks on some of his clients.  He says she can wait in the car because it will only take 5 minutes. 

(Cue ominous thunder and lightning sounds…) 

"What's wrong, baby? You don't like how I swing it?!"

The following text message from her arrives:

I’ve been sitting in car alone with no A/C in 80 degree heat in the middle of the 9th Ward for the past 30 mins.  I’m not even mad.  At this point, I just want 2 see what else he does B4 YOUR LIFE ENDS.

I had to call her just to make sure she wasn’t delirious from heat exhaustion.  We talked for another 30 minutes before her phone died, and serial killer (aka “The Lobbyist”) STILL hadn’t come back to check on her!  Thankfully, her anger fueled her metabolism enough to resist a heat stroke.  He offered a lame apology then promised to take her to an amazing restaurant for dinner.  (By the way, she said that he had initially told her the brunch and Thai spots were “amazing” too).  Yeah…  That “amazing” dinner restaurant had PLAIN sea bass and salmon rather than crawfish jambalaya or shrimp etouffee – or ANYTHING that Louisiana is known for.  It’s like he took her to Applebee’s. 

For dinner conversation, he asked her what was the wildest thing she had done this year.  She told him she jumped off a skyscraper.  He said he had actually done 3 wild things: 

1) Went “swinging” with some other couples a few times.

2) Had sex with a size 24 woman to see how much it would gross him out.

3) Seduced a married woman, then dumped her after she left her husband for him.

*WTF?!?!?!*  (And that was just THIS year!)

So here’s the final straw:  Before dinner, she had asked what shoes would be appropriate because her cute shoes were not made for walking (girls, you feel me on that).  She wanted to look good but not have hurting feet.  He told her that she wouldn’t have to worry about walking a lot.  So, she wore the cute designer heels appropriate for the red carpet, and not vomit-laden Bourbon Street.  If you’ve ever been to Bourbon Street, you know this is not an exaggeration.  After the oh-so-revealing dinner, The Lobbyist then proceeded to make her walk through AND OUT of the tourist area, on what he considered a ‘romantic architecture tour.’  This tour consisted of him saying things like, “Check out that fence” and “Wow, that’s a nice balcony.”  Still reeling from the dinner conversation, she was just quiet.  However, the pain of walking in 4 inch heels finally forced words out of her.  She told him she couldn’t walk another step, and he was going to have to carry her.  He stopped into a corner store and bought her a pair of flat shoes so they could trudge back through vomit-laden Bourbon Street to his car. 

I’d like to make a note here:  Some women may have found it charming that he stopped to get her some comfortable shoes.  It’s NOT.  Don’t be fooled.  Did he buy her a pair of shoes so her feet wouldn’t hurt?  Yes.  Did she look crazy?  Yes.  Could all of this have been avoided if he had simply not made her walk 2 miles in the first place?  YES.  So, he gets no bonus points for buying the shoes when he was the reason she needed them.  MEN: don’t look for brownie points when solving a problem YOU created!

(Cue sounds of a bloody human sacrifice…) 

Kill Joy... Kill Joy... Kill Joy

The text message I got at this point:

I am gonna take the heel of this cheap-a$$ shoe & beat U 2 death Joy. 

The NEXT TIME I tell U I am not feeling a dude…  U just shut the hell up

ME: “Okay.”

SUMMARY:  My friend spent a weekend getting left at the airport, left in hot cars, left to hike miles in cheap-a$$ shoes, and left eating food that had nothing to do with New Orleans.  Oh, and I hope you didn’t forget The Lobbyist not wearing a seat belt AND driving while getting drunk.  Women – any man who cares nothing for his own safety and even less for yours is to be avoided at all costs.  DAMN THE GOOD JOB!!!

Sigh…  I guess that expression really is true:  All that glitters is not gold.  Yeah, he looked good and had a good job.  But no, he was not good for my friend.  I say that because there ARE women that would have catered to his ego and done whatever he wanted to do that weekend.  They wouldn’t have minded any of that other stuff just based on the 5-star hotel treatment (e.g. FIFAs, Rant#31).  My friend, however, never puts herself in anything less than a 4+ star hotel or resort, so she was merely comfortable, not impressed.

Oh wait…  You really want to know HOW DID IT END???

Well…  The night before she left, he asked what time her plane departed.  She told him that it left around 6 AM. He told her to text him at 5 AM then…

*blank stare*

Sooo…  She woke up the next morning and caught a cab to the airport so she could be there BY 5 AM (i.e. ON TIME) for her flight.  She sent him a text FROM THE PLANE.  After that, she called and cursed me out until the plane took off.  And I took it like a champ.

Rant # 34 done and I’m out (minus both kidneys and one eyeball).