Joy’s Rant List Volume 38: Technology is the Devil (Part 1 of the Evil Trilogy)

I just finished reading several fiction trilogies – “The Hunger Games,” “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” ALL of the “Game of Thrones” series – and I decided to write my own trilogy.  This one will be “The Evil Trilogy,” and will be full of rants about things I think are the devil.  So, as I sit here in my house with a laptop in front of me, a 61” Samsung DLP mega-awesome TV on mute, an iPad2 running the Pandora application I downloaded, and an iPhone set to vibrate so I can check my email, I realize that the technology surrounding me IS THE DEVIL.

And you know all this started when Ben Franklin agreed to do the devil’s evil work…

(if you can’t click on the video above, you can go to youtube here:

“But Joy, if you have so much technology, how can you condemn it?  Isn’t that hypocritical?” Sure it is.  I didn’t say I wasn’t part of the problem.  I am just saying that technology has done more harm than good for the world.  Wanna hear why?  Well, here it goes:

1) Technology Makes You Fat:

I grew up in the Atari age, and I can say unequivocally that one of the reasons I didn’t go outside much was that Space Invaders was just too engrossing to leave and go jump rope.  But it’s not video games that are making people fat today.  It’s mainly two things – cars and television.  Think about it…

A.  Cars – You can sit all night and play video games, but what if you had to WALK to work or school?!  That would be at least a five mile hike, right? Oh wait, you live in the suburbs?  Well, even if you caught the bus or the train, you’d still have to walk so many blocks to get to your job.  Most doctors would applaud you for walking 30 minutes a day to work because it’s good for you.  But having a car means sitting still for 30 minutes and then magically arriving at your destination.  No walking required other than the 10 yards to the door.  Then, you battle other employees on your job to be rewarded with the closest parking spot!  Even when you go to the gym, you still get the closest parking space possible because the only cardio you intend to do will be documented by the treadmill!

By the way…  If you’ve ever driven to the end of your driveway or street to get the mail, you are a fatty at heart. 

B. Television – If you didn’t have a marathon of (*insert sporting event or favorite show*) to watch on the weekends, how might you otherwise spend your time?  Playing with your kids?  Reading a book?  Hanging out with friends?  Moving your chunky a$$ in some sort of manner?  Instead, you are laid out on the couch watching TV while stuffing your face with Cheetos, and drinking sodas or sweet tea (Sweet tea is the devil’s mistress if not the devil itself).

By the way…  Another thing making humans fat is processed food.  Without the technology needed to mass produce food, we would still be swapping produce from each other’s gardens instead of buying canned vegetables and frozen TV dinners.  And, we would be WALKING to the butcher instead of buying packaged meat.  We would all be hormone free, and girls wouldn’t be 38DDs at 4 years old!  Ok, that’s in the next Rant…

2) Technology Makes You Stupid:

I’ll bet you all the money in your savings account that your kid can’t tell you when the country was founded.  Do YOU even know?  Can you tell me which way is North?  Where the North Star is?  How to build a fire?  What plants grow in the fall?  Which ones are poisonous?  How to build a basic shelter?  These are all things that our forefathers knew.  Hell, our grandfathers knew this stuff.

A. Google and Wikipedia Stupid – But now, if you can’t Google the answer to a question, then nobody knows how to figure it out by thinking.  And, if you are depending on Wikipedia to get your information, then I’m definitely calling you stupid.  You do know all kinds of things are patently false on there, right?  That’s why kids today don’t know how or where to find a real encyclopedia or a library.

By the way…  Who even remembers the Dewey Decimal system? 

B. Beyond Help Stupid – We live in an era of overwhelming information and access to public records.  What do we do with that power?  Watch porn.  And watch other people doing dumb shyt.  Even as I was writing this, I went to the internet to look up some facts and found myself watching YouTube for a solid 30 minutes.  What a time suck!!  As the next generations depend more and more on technology and the virtual world, they know less and less about the real world.  Sure, your toddler can download Angry Birds on your iPhone and play it successfully.  Can he/she count to 100?  Does he/she know the alphabet, or just “The Alphabet Song?”  If your kid can sing all the words to “Party Rock Anthem,” but can’t recognize the letter P, then they suck, and you suck as a parent for letting it happen.  Teens today don’t know how to spell because 1) spell check fixes it for them and 2) misspelling wurds iz kewl.

3) Technology is “Stealing American Jobs!”

“You mean it’s not the illegals?”  No.  They are doing the same manual labor they’ve been doing – roofing, cleaning and lawn care.  When’s the last time you applied for a job as a housekeeper?  Never.

A. Man vs. Machines – When was the last time you heard about a company downsizing?  All the damn time.  Why are they able to layoff dozens of men?  Because they have machines that can do a better, faster, cheaper, safer job than you can without you “coming up” on a settlement claim from your “on the job injury.”  Instead of needing 25 men on an assembly line to build a car, there are now seven robots and one dude with an owner’s manual who knows how to fix the robots.  Robots are even cheaper than Chinese child labor, in the long run.

By the way…  What people don’t realize is that when the robots rise up, we’ll have no one to blame but ourselves.

B. Man vs. Woman – Here is another bit of gasoline on the lake of fire. MEN are routinely becoming more disenfranchised than WOMEN in today’s job market because they were the ones that held all the jobs now being done by computers and machines.  Welding, assembly, repair, hell – digging holes!  At the same time, women are entering jobs that require different skill sets and are thriving.  Where does this leave us?  We have women making more money than men, and men resenting women for it.  Instead of being angry that Jill has a job and Jack doesn’t, Jack needs to learn how to adapt.  Stop waiting on the construction industry to make a comeback, and learn to answer the phone as a customer service rep!

BONUS – Technology is Ruining Marriage!!!

Yeah, I said it.  In the last paragraph, I talked about how women in the workforce have caused strife in relationships.  Well, that has adversely impacted the ability to continue creating family units as we once knew them.  And, it keeps getting worse.  Fifty years ago, there were no cell phones, no pagers, no nanny cams, and no Facebook pages.  It was easy to cheat and even easier to look the other way.  A man could have a whole separate family on the other side of town or the next county.  For all of you with half-siblings or who tried to trace your family tree back a few generations, you know I’m right.  But how is technology ruining marriage?  Because folks are getting caught!!  And folks are telling on other folks!  (Kobe!)

A. New Age Cheating – When a husband used to cheat on his wife, she had two options: stay or leave.  If a woman decided to stay, it was a lot easier to pretend you had no knowledge of any cheating than to admit that you knew about it and are cool with it.  Discretion was the key.  Now, with DNA tests plus the secret cameras, undeleted text messages, and unknown numbers on cell phones, it’s a lot harder for a man to get away with the same shenanigans that his grandfather did.  In 1954, if you weren’t at home, you just weren’t home.  And, you would be home when you good and damn well got there.  Now, if you aren’t at home, your wife can download the “Find my iPhone app” and triangulate your location to within 20 feet.  Yep.  You are busted.  Your marriage is over, and your alimony payments begin.

B. New Facebook Statuses – Please know this:  Facebook is NOT the place to air out your grievances with the one you love – ESPECIALLY if the one you love is married to someone else or otherwise NOT yours.  If you are married, your relationship status should not say Single.  If you are in a relationship, and “it’s complicated”, do we really need to know about it?  If you are out with friends doing dirt, why would you let them post those pictures on Twitter? Now you have to explain that shyt when you get home.  We now live in a world where EVERYONE lives out in the open.  The games you used to run before the invention of tools like GPS and Wi-Fi are no longer safe.  The only winning move is not to play.

So What’s the Solution?

There is no solution.  We are not going to go back to riding horses and walking to work.  Some people work 20 miles from home.  Nobody wants to smell that funk when they finally get to work hours later!  We are not going to give up our television and video games.  But we CAN at least try to exercise.  If you have a Wii or an Xbox Connect, there are plenty of exercise-type games.  WALK to the MAILBOX.  READ to your KIDS.  Throw them a football on the weekends.  As for Facebook… Well hell, if you stopped playing on Facebook you might stop reading my rants.  Don’t call me a politician, but I’m gonna have to continue endorsing your use of Facebook and Twitter.

Rant #38 done, and I’m out.  (shutting down Toshiba, booting up PS3…)