Joy’s Rant List Volume 39: Science is the Devil (Part Two of the Evil Trilogy)

Welcome to the second rant in the Evil Trilogy. I’ve been thinking about this for weeks and after the exposé on PINK SLIME, I am more convinced than ever that SCIENCE IS THE DEVIL.

In the last rant, I warned you of the many different ways in which technology was the devil. Well, science is right up there too. At least half of technology’s evil creations can probably trace their roots back to science. Now science actually starts with basic chemistry, and you swallow it every day…


A. You Are What You Eat (which is why some of us are full of …):


What’s the last thing you ate? Where did it come from? Was it ever alive?  If you guessed “Yes,” would you even be able to recognize what kind of animal/plant it used to be? If you’ve eaten a burger, a hot dog, sausage, spam, potted meat, a McRib, a McNugget, or any other meat product that was “formed” or “extruded”, then science is killing you. I should know – I die a little every time I travel through an airport and stop at Wendy’s. If you are what you eat, then I am a spicy chicken sandwich.

B. Canned Food is for War Criminals:  A scientist came up with the idea of preservatives, and most likely, some engineering friends of the scientist developed the process for mass production of food. Voila! The death meats mentioned above and canned foods were spawned.

*Let me hip you to some abstract history: During WWII, people were encouraged and rewarded for turning in metal to make more cans to fill with food for soldiers to eat. They NEEDED the canned food because soldiers were out in bunkers and foxholes for weeks on end with no refrigerators or even pickling/salt curing capability. You can’t try to smoke meat in the middle of a war zone. Ya know…  It’s the whole “giving up your location to the enemy” thing…  Remember though, canned food was a wartime necessity.*

C. TV Dinners Make “Us” Rich:  AY! Why in the hell are we still eating wartime food? I’ll tell you why. Because the same women that entered the workforce in WWII to replace the soldiers fighting overseas now had a way to have food “ready-to-eat” when they came home. That gave Science an excuse to ‘hook up’ with her evil friend Technology, and together they begat the unholy TV Dinner.  In order to legitimize their bastard child, they decided to make processed food cheap for consumers, and a cash cow for food processing plants. The fat cats (who eat REAL beef) then figured out how to give us less real food and more food “by-products” so the economy would grow and make rich people have more money.  Once insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies and hospitals realized the fake food caused more heart attacks and obesity…  Well, any good drug dealer knows that the money is in the repeat business.  Why cure the cause if you can get paid to treat the symptoms?  (Lookin’ at you, Type 2 Diabetes.)

*The love of money is the root of all evil…*

D. Vegans Beware:  I hope you don’t think because you buy fresh veggies that they aren’t killing you too. Produce is grown and sprayed with pesticides to get higher yield from crops (i.e. more profits). Pesticides kill everything moving and often cause things like tumors and cancer. And yeah, you can try to wash off the wax and dyes with your little bougie vegetable spray, but it’s not that simple.  The death veggies have been killing you long before you stopped eating meat.  Your parents fed you regular-ass store-bought produce (don’t lie, you know they did) so you started ingesting this stuff when you were two years old. Stores just started selling “organic” veggies like five years ago. I’m so sorry.  It’s…It’s too late for you.  There’s nothing you can do. 


*Side note:  If you don’t know what a GMO is then you probably don’t know you’ve been eating them all the time. (Google “genetically modified organism.)  If you truly want to understand the evil of GMOs, buy a Wal-Mart strawberry, then go to a local farmer’s market and buy one there.  I mean, everybody already knows that Wal-Mart IS the devil.*

But, hey, so what if you lose your body to science, at least your mind is safe…. Or, is it?



A. Borgs and Baseball:  For all the Star Trek geeks out there, I’m not really talking about The Borg. I’m talking about the fact that scientific discoveries have changed the way we think. At first, it was cool. We found out the world was round and revolved around the sun. We discovered DNA, blood types and all kinds of useful stuff. Then, we started making “discoveries” of unnatural things that have entered the mainstream mindset. We went from steroids as a life-saving asthma treatment to congressional hearings about using ‘roids in baseball.  

B.  Fries and Phen-Phen:  Weight loss happened the same way.  First, science gave us fattening foods (Hello French Fry, my old friend!).  Then, technology helped science give us miracle diet pills. How many Phen-Phen deaths were racked up before it was taken off the market?  Oh yeah, Phen-Phen has already come back in a less-potent-but-still-dangerous form! Caffeine was not meant to be concentrated and eaten like candy people!!!

C. Pills and Pushers:  Scientists fill the halls of every pharmaceutical company. They make a living not in curing our illnesses but in pushing us into paying for pills that mask our symptoms. (Did you notice how we are back to money!?!). How many nights have you sat up watching TV while eating a TV dinner and found out you had 11 different illnesses that had never been diagnosed?  That’s not even the scary part!  The side effects of the pills are usually worse than the symptoms of the illnesses! How you gon’ have a pill for insomnia that causes amnesia and paranoia?!?? W. T. F.

D. Acne and Alopecia:  My point about all of this is that nobody is asking why we think this is okay.  We have been conditioned to think that there is a magic pill to fix all the things wrong in our lives. Bad skin? Proactiv. Try this: drink more water and stop touching your face. Problem solved. For free. (Oh yeah, Google “accutane” and then scream).

Bad hair? Rogaine. Why can’t we just accept being bald? It can be sexy if you OWN it!!


These two people are super sexy and bald.  Hot fiyah!! … And while we are on the subject of fire…


Science gives us the most amazing pyrotechnic special effects. (Shout out to Michael Bay!! )

However, science has also given us the atomic bomb, nuclear meltdowns, TNT, C4, and a myriad of other ways to burn shyt up.  And it’s so AWESOME!  But burn, it does. For my folks that aren’t Bible-reading Christians, it does say that the world will end in fire, so consider all that stuff like fire drills until the real thing. Now, science has always been in direct opposition to religion/theology since the dawn of time. I blame Eve – I mean, what did you think was in the fruit of the tree of knowledge?  SCIENCE! We weren’t supposed to know!  And, if you’ve read the DaVinci Code then you already know about the whole conspiracy involving the Illuminati, Alchemy and Science all going tête-à-tête against God.  That means science is the original “great opposer” or “shaitan” or …. Wait for it … SATAN!!!


Rant #39 done, and I’m out…  ssssssss_________________-kaBOOOM!!