Joy’s Rant List Volume 43: The Revelation of Joy: The Final Chapter

Chapter 3 – Hell is Waiting in Line

So, if you have been with me throughout this cliffhanger of a story, you know that I’m now in Purgatory and have been kicked out of VIP by Michael the Archangel (who, I swear, kicked some dirt on me before he closed the door.  Michael is kind of a jerk.)  So I am back in line to get into the club.  A little disheveled, but still cute.  The next time I make it to the front, I see Gabriel again. I haven’t forgotten how me mushed me in the face, and from the smirk he gives me, he hasn’t either.  He looks at me for what seems like forever, and then he says “Truth.”

“What?” I say to him, utterly confused.

“Truth.  That is the cost of entry.  You’ve been here before.  Jesus has asked you to account for your actions.  What is your truth?”  Gabriel looks at me like he knows I’m going to get it wrong.  I start trying to formulate a response in my mind –

I suddenly hear Jesus in my head again: “See, and that’s your problem.  You keep trying to ‘formulate an answer’.  Just tell the truth!” And I am immediately thrust into the back of the line.  With the garbage.  Again.  GOT-…to be more careful.  (wink)

I get up, and go through the motions again.  I am starting to recognize some of the faces in the line.  All of us are starting to look a little stale.  Folks are hungry.  It is hot as hell out here and there is no water (duh!) and we’ve been in line so long, that we have lost track of time completely.  You wait, you get to the front, you fail, and you start over.  Apparently, Hell is waiting in line for eternity We see Satan from time to time.  He comes rolling through in an air-conditioned black Escalade, picking up folks who are tired of waiting, or tired of trying.  They always ride off bumping bass music.  Yeah, I ain’t falling for that.  Ride out, Satan.

Do you wanna ride... in the backseat of a Caddy...

Do you wanna ride… in the backseat of a Caddy…

After 7 times 7 tries of getting back into the club, my clothes are starting to show wear and tear.  I’ve lost one of my heels.  Might as well go barefoot.  My jeans are no longer fitting right.  My hair and makeup is a mess.  Some people in line still try to put on a good face.  But I’ve lost all sense of pride in my appearance.  I only have one thought in my mind: I need to be inside.  I’ll give anything to be back in front of Jesus.  I’ve wasted so many chances, trying to be cute, trying to be funny, trying to be charming, trying any way I can think of to get back in.  Now, I’m just back at the front of the line.  Waiting my turn.  I know what I am going to say to Jesus, if I can just get the chance to see him again.

Real demons wear pink.

Real demons wear pink.

At this point, Satan rolls up again, in a stretch hummer, bumping 2Chainz.  And who is that with him?  Is that Kanye?  Why am I not surprised?  Apparently, Kanye has graduated from the Illuminati and is now an arch demon for Satan.  (Duh)

And you know what’s funny?  My first thought is that Jay-Z must have made it in to heaven.  Because if he was down here, I’m sure Satan would not be wasting time with Kanye.  Jay-Z would clearly be a bigger pull.  But now I am pissed.  How did J-Hova make it into heaven and not me?!?!  WTF?  I don’t know, maybe God granted Beyonce a favor…

Satan is still trolling the line, looking for suckers to trick into going with him.  Kanye calls out the passenger-side window, like Satan’s scrub-ass homie: “Hey girl, you look tired.  Come have a glass of Nuvo with me…”  He wiggles the bottle out of the window.

I turn to face Kanye:  “Oh please!  I never liked you in real life, so I damn sure ain’t going riding with you and Satan!  Are you crazy?  Get thee behind me, Kanye!”

Kanye is on fire!...Forever...

Kanye is on fire!…Forever…

I mean really, as many times as I have tried to get back into the club, why in the hell would I leave now?!?

It’s finally my turn back up front.  I’ve had I-don’t-know-how-long to think about my actions.  About what Jesus is really asking me to say.  The truth about that first lie…  What is truth?  That I was just a little kid and didn’t know better?  Yes I did.  That I shouldn’t be held accountable?  Wrong.  That I already got spanked for that so it should be in the past?  Wrong again.  As I walk up to Gabriel, Raphael stage whispers to him “$50 bucks says she makes it this time.” Gabriel sneers and says, “You’re on.”  Hmm, so archangels can make bets?  Whatever.  That doesn’t concern me.  I’m not one of them.  I can only be concerned about me and my truth.

Gabriel looks at me.  “Truth.”  He then folds his massive steroid arms across his chest and waits.  I take a deep breath:

“When I was two years old, I told my first lie.  My dad had put a vase back together with super glue and told me not to touch it.  As soon as he left the room, I pressed it and it all fell apart.  When he came back, he asked me if I touched it and I said ‘No’.  I knew it was wrong to tell a lie. I felt it in my soul when I did it.  I said it to avoid getting in trouble, and I thought to myself that my father was not smart enough to know that what I was saying was a lie.  I assumed I could get away with it.  I was wrong.  And I dishonored my father by my actions and my attitude.”

The entire time I am speaking, I am looking down at my bare feet.  That’s all I have to say.  There is nothing more that I can think of but the brutal honest truth.

“Just let me in, man.  That’s all I need.”  I keep my eyes on my dusty toes.  I am feeling the crushing weight of knowing that if I do get back in front of Jesus, I will have to give this kind of truth about every single lie, every uncharitable feeling, every hateful thought, every feeling of selfishness, lust, greed. Damn, but that book was thick.  But whatever!  I am going to put my big-girl panties on and woman up to this challenge.  (Actually, I already had my big girl panties on because I hadn’t expected to be showing them to anyone, you know how it is.)  But now I realize – this is the way.  This is the key.  To gain true forgiveness, I have to own up to the fact that I need to be forgiven.  No excuses!

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and realize that the air is cooler.  I open my eyes and I am back in the VIP.  I am still looking ratchet, but that doesn’t matter.  Jesus is here!!!  And he is smiling at me.  “Took you long enough.”  He winks at me and hugs me.  He then is standing behind the same podium from before.  “Shall we begin anew?”

And we do.

Volume 42 done, and I’m out.  Seeing as I’m all cool with heaven and everything, I figure the best thing I can tell you is… “Now go forth and sin no more.”


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