Joy’s Rant List, Volume 47: Sex Packets Part 2: “Sex Selfies”

You know, I’m really starting to feel this whole ‘short story’ angle.  Maybe I’ll make these into a book, finally…

A reminder before we begin…

All of these events happened, to SOMEBODY, and NOT ME.  So, if a piece of it sounds familiar, “a hit dog hollers” – remember that.  This time, celebrity names from Love Jones will be used to protect the stupid innocent.

Sex Selfies

“So there I was, on the curb, no panties on, waiting on the damn Uber car to show up, people all looking out the windows.  I felt like such a whore!!”  Monica wailed in her sister’s ear.  (Read part 1 for the full story)

That’s because you were being a whore, stupid… Nia made a face at the phone, thinking that her baby sister was never going to grow up.  Who tries a one-night stand in their mid-thirties?!  It seemed like every couple of months, Monica, who was 8 years her junior, was into something else regrettable.  One week it was some new church cult.  Next week, it was pole dancing for “exercise”, and now it’s being a freak in the club?  And she didn’t even get any?  Stoo-pid!!!

At 44, with a kid in college, Nia had long since learned her lesson about these types of antics.  She was so over the club scene and would never even think of going home with a stranger.  She had no pity for her sister, who clearly knew better.  They were raised in the same house.  And although Nia was now divorced, and they were both in the same ‘single’ boat again, there were just some lines you didn’t cross.  “You could have been murdered, fool!”

“I know!” cried Monica. “What if I see some of those people again?  How am I supposed to walk around town, knowing what people think of me?”

“The same way the other whores walk around town…”  This cracked Nia up and she started a deep belly laugh and had to put the phone down.  When she picked it up, it was to hear stony silence on the other end.  “Hello? Monica?”

“I hate you.” And then the line went dead.  Sigh.  Whatever.  Nia had better things to do than to heal her crazy sister’s damaged psyche.  Still, it was her baby sister.  She felt bad and started to call her back – but then came a text:

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAUTIFUL?

Nia’s heart skipped a beat.  It was Darius – the tall, dark and mysterious dude from BlackFolksTalk.com!  She got a little excited.  He was reaching out to her again!!

NOT MUCH.  YOU?

She didn’t want to seem overeager.  But she was so glad he’d contacted her!  After going through the steps on the matching website, they’d had a couple of good conversations.  Then all of a sudden, she didn’t hear from Darius for 6 days.  Not that she was counting or anything…

SITTING HERE THINKING ABOUT YOU.  I MISS TALKING TO YOU.

She smiled secretly to herself.  He was such a sweet man.

REALLY? YOU ARE SO SWEET!

NOT AS SWEET AS YOU.

Oh, this man was definitely a charmer.  She was crafting a flirty text back when the phone rang.  It was Monica again.

“Hello.”  She sooooo did not want to engage Monica right now.

“How come you didn’t call me back!?” Monica sounded both victimized and confused.  See, this was the problem with passive aggressive behavior.  Both people had to participate for it to work.  And as of this moment, Nia wasn’t having it anymore.

“Girl, I had another call come in.  Do you still want to talk or what?”

“I just don’t know what to do! What if I go out and I see Morris there again?!” Monica was starting to freak out.  Her voice had gone up an octave.

“You will probably never see him again.  Just don’t go to that club.”  Nia tried to be the voice of reason.

HELLO?  ARE YOU STILL THERE?

Darius was texting again!

YES – JUST GOT A QUICK PHONE CALL.

Wait – that might make him think she was busy and he might go away.  She quickly typed:

BUT I’M DONE NOW.  I’M ALL YOURS.

That was a little flirty.  Yes!  Perfect!  Not too aggressive, but definitely showing interest.

OH REALLY?

“—even know whose penis that was!  How am I supposed to face myself in the mirror—“ Monica was still yammering on about her own stupidity.

“Mmmhmm.  I feel you girl…” Monica did the standard responses, while focusing on her text conversation.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

What was she wearing?  Oh, he wanted to play a little bit!  Well – it was kind of a shock but she was definitely not a prude.  And it wasn’t like she was about to have a threesome like her stupid sister.  But honestly, she was wearing old sweatpants and an over-sized t-shirt that said “My son is a freshman at Hillman College”.  Not exactly sexy…

BOY SHORTS AND A T-SHIRT

That sounded believable right?  Without being too nasty?  That could be sexy and innocent, yeah?

SOUNDS SEXY.  (Yes!)

SEND ME A PIC?

A picture?  He wanted a picture?!  Shit!  She didn’t even really own any boy shorts.  What to do?

ACTUALLY, I LIED.  I DON’T HAVE ON BOY SHORTS

OH YEAH? SO JUST A T-SHIRT THEN?

…Who was she to disabuse his notions?

YES. A LITTLE INDECENT.  CAN’T SEND PICTURES.  Her good girl was coming to the forefront.  She wasn’t the type to send pictures anyway.

TAKE A PIC FOR ME.  I WANT TO SEE YOU.

Well… seems like everyone else in the world was doing it.  What could it hurt?  She would just snap a quick picture, not showing anything.

HANG ON…

She went to the bathroom, slapped on a little lipstick and shook out her hair, and then pulled off the sweatpants, leaving just the t-shirt.  She took the pic and hit “Send”. Then she waited…

WOW. YOU LOOK GREAT.  I LIKE A WOMAN THAT IS COMFORTABLE IN HER OWN SKIN.

Well that was nice of him.

THANK YOU. 

SO WHAT’S UNDER THE SHIRT?  SHOW ME.

NO!  Okay, he was going too far.  No way was she taking a naked picture of herself and sending it to him.

WHY NOT?  I WANT TO SEE YOU.  WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT CITIES. IF I CAN’T TOUCH YOU, AT LEAST LET ME SEE YOU.

I’VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.  I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE

YOU CAN TRUST ME.  I WOULD NEVER DISRESPECT YOU.  I PROMISE

Yeah right.  Thirty minutes and she would be the latest feature on HotGhettoMess.com

I DON’T THINK SO.

PLEASE?

NO.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

I’M AFRAID THAT I WILL END UP ALL OVER THE INTERNET.  NOT GOING THERE, DARIUS.

TELL YOU WHAT – JUST SEND ME NECK DOWN.  THAT WAY EVEN IF I WAS SOME KIND OF PERVERT, NO ONE COULD PROVE IT WAS YOU.

LOL! NICE TRY!  I DON’T THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA, THOUGH.

There was a long silence from his end.  Did he decide to stop texting her?  Well hell, if that’s all he was interested in, then good riddance!  She didn’t need a man that bad anyway to be sending nekkid body shots through the internet and –

WHAT DO YOU THINK?  I WENT FIRST.

There was an attachment in the text.  Nia opened it and –gasp! – He had sent her a picture of himself from the neck down.  Totally. NAKED.  Wow.  He had a great body!  Ev-er-y-where!!  Caramel brown and flawless!  Now she was a little self-conscious about her own figure.

WOW.  YOU ARE GORGEOUS.  NOW I DON’T THINK I CAN COMPETE! LOL! 

She tried to laugh it off, hoping he would let it go.

OH NO.  I DID THAT JUST SO YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I WAS SERIOUS.  AND NOW YOU HAVE LEVERAGE OVER ME.  SO GO AHEAD.  SHOW ME.

Could she?  It was crazy!  She had just talked about her sister like a dog for crazy behavior.  But, you only live once, right?  Before she could think too much about it, Nia hiked up her t-shirt and took a quick picture of herself in the mirror.  Oh God!  Did she really just do that?  “Send”.

WOW, YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY.  I BET YOU TASTE LIKE BROWN SUGAR.

Okay, this man was too much!

UMM, THANKS?

WHY THE PANTIES?  YOU’RE CHEATING.  QUID PRO QUO, NIA.

Aw hell.  He wanted totally naked? She wasn’t ready for that.  She hadn’t shaved in months! (Why bother? Who’s looking?)  She looked back at his picture.  Did he shave?  Dammit, he did!

GIVE ME A MINUTE…

She ran into the bathroom and did a quick grooming job.  Quick shave and … missed a spot and… damn missed another spot… Wow, how freaking long HAD it been?!  Finally, she was smooth enough to take the picture (from a distance, anyway).  Then she jumped back into the mirror and snapped it, being careful to keep her face out of the picture.  No HotGhettoMess.com for her!!

The phone rang.  It was Monica again.  Dammit!  “Ignore”

YOU LOOK AMAZING! THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOURSELF WITH ME.  I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

ME TOO.  WHEN ARE YOU COMING THIS WAY?

I SHOULD BE HEADED TO PHILLY AT THE END OF –

The phone rang again.  It was Monica – again.  “Ignore”

-MAY. 

WONDERFUL.  I CAN’T WAIT! MY SON DOESN’T COME BACK FROM SCHOOL UNTIL JUNE. WE COULD SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME.

DEFINITELY.  I’M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT SEEING YOU!  GOTTA GO NOW – GOTTA PICK UP THE DAUGHTER FROM PRACTICE.  TALK TO YOU TONIGHT?

SURE. CALL ME.

Yeah – she’d played it cool.  And he was excited to see her!  Yes!  She might finally get herself some good good –

The phone rang again.  This time she picked up.  “WHAT, Monica?!  What do you want now!?”

Silence.

Then… “I just wanted to tell you that I know what you’ve been doing while you’ve ignored my calls.”

“I told you I had another call coming in –“

“Remember when you went to Germany last year, and you set up your phone to automatically upload all your pictures to the cloud so I could see them?  You never changed that…  Whore.” The level of smugness in Monica’s voice was unparalleled.

Nia stood frozen in silence.  What!?!  What had Monica seen?  “What are you talking about?” she asked, with fear in her voice.

“Umm, all those naked shots you just took?  Yeah, they’re in the cloud.  Some things you can’t un-see.  And if you had answered the damn phone, I would have told you sooner. What the hell are you doing?”

Nia hung up on Monica and quickly went through and deleted all of the bad pictures from her phone.  Then she called back. “Can you still see them now?”

“Let me see…yep.  Still there.”  She could hear the laughter bubbling up from her sister. Karma was, indeed, a bitch.

“How do I get these off the cloud?”

“I don’t know.  Why don’t you ask – gasp! – Trey!  Oh my God, Nia – Trey’s phone is on the cloud too!”

Shock spread through Nia’s body like lightning.  The thought that her SON may have seen those pictures!?!… Complete and utter disaster.  How could a young man recover from that?  Would she have ruined his image of all women – warped his young mind and poisoned all his future dealings with women?  If your own mother is taking sex selfies, then what does that say for all women?  But she was overreacting.  Maybe it wasn’t too late.  “Girl, bye!  I gotta do damage control!!”  She hung up on her sister’s snickering and called her son.

“….Hello.”

“Hey baby, it’s your mother.”

“Hey.”  He didn’t sound traumatized.  But he didn’t sound happy to hear from her either.

“I just wanted to tell you”  — THINK Nia — “That your aunt Monica called and said our cloud account got hacked, and that I need to go fix it.”

“Uh huh.” He sounded skeptical.  Oh no! What if he had seen the pictures??? Stick to the story…

“So, yeah, we got hacked.  And I need to get some crazy pictures or something off our cloud account…  How do I do that?”

“You can’t.  I’ll fix it when I come home next weekend.” Trey sounded irritated.  “I gotta go mom.”

“Okay darling.  I just wanted to make sure you didn’t think it was your aunt.”  She hated to throw her baby sister under the bus, but whatever.

“Yeah.  Seeing as those pictures are from your bathroom…”

Silence……….

“Look, Trey, I don’t know what you think you saw because I haven’t seen them yet but I –“

Mom.” He expelled a world-weary sigh. “I gotta go mom.  I’ll see you next weekend.” He hung up.

“Oh. My. God.”

 

Rant #47 done – Stay Tuned for Part 3: Birthday Sex!!

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