Joy’s Rant List, Volume 49: Sex Packets, Part 4-A: Sex, Lies & Videotape

In case you forgot… Yadda yadda yadda – None of this is me. Yadda yadda yadda – Remember “a hit dog hollers”.  This time, names from the ghetto-classic movie “Baby Boy” will be used because this is some stupid ish they would do.  LOL!  


“And so Jerry said they argued all the way to the hospital! He was driving slower than normal so he could keep laughing at them!“  Taraji continued to regale Tyrese with the crazy ambulance adventures of her cousin Jerry.

“And you’re saying this guy got beads stuck up his behind and he didn’t know?” Tyrese was cracking up laughing, any pity long gone.

“Yes! And then he got mad at his wife for putting them in there! Apparently she made them herself. Do-it-yourself anal beads?  Who does that?” Taraji finished pouring the wine and moved to join Tyrese on the couch.  “But his partner tried to post the whole thing on and got fired.  Idiot.”

“Yeah, that was dumb.” Tyrese positioned himself to allow Taraji to cuddle into his side.  He grabbed the remote and started the movie.  This was a monthly ritual for them – wine, popcorn, chocolate and a vintage adult movie.  Tonight, it was Debbie Does Dallas. “You know, this was the first porno I ever saw,” Tyrese told her. “I was twelve years old, and I snuck it out of my dad’s stash.  He beat me good when he found out.” He said.

“Really? Well then, this is like a reunion of sorts for you.” Taraji said.  “And twelve? Wow, you’ve been nasty for a long time!”  She giggled and snuggled closer to him.

“Yeah, but you like it.” He pulled her legs onto his lap and began caressing her calves while the movie played. One thing led to another and they finished the night with another monthly ritual – sex throughout the house. As Taraji went to clean up, Tyrese decided it was the right time to test out his new idea. When she returned to the couch, he cleared his throat. “You know, babe, this is one of my favorite things that we do.  Something about watching the movie and then getting with you just takes it to another level.”

“I feel the same.” Taraji said. “At first this used to feel so taboo, but now I like it.  See, you turned me out, you nasty boy.” She playfully swatted him on the butt.

“You know what would take this to an even higher level?” Taraji looked confused, but Tyrese continued, “If we could watch ourselves on movie night.” He paused to let the implications sink in with her.

“What do you mean watch our- OH! You, uh, you want to make a movie?” There was incredulity and a little fear in her voice.

“Think about it, T. What could be better than watching your gorgeous body while I’m inside your gorgeous body?” Tyrese reinforced his words with a soft squeeze to her hips and a gentle kiss that soon turned heated.

Taraji gave in to the kiss for a minute, but then shoved at his chest. “Wait – We need to talk about this! You can’t just say ‘Let’s make a movie’ and then not elaborate! I’m not sure I’m down with this Tyrese.”  Taraji moved to a sitting position and straightened her clothes again.  “I’m fine with all the other kinky stuff we do, but movies are permanent.  What happens if we get divorced? Who gets the movie?  What happens if there’s a break-in?  What if the thieves sell it on eBay?” She gasped “What if we end up on WorldStar?!?!?!”  She started to hyperventilate just a bit.

The discussion went on well to the break of dawn. Taraji had decided to craft an agreement of sorts with Tyrese for how the filming would be handled. At that point, Tyrese was willing to agree to anything so she would shut up and he could just go to sleep.

“Okay, so here are the rules.” By 4:00 AM, Taraji was in full lawyer mode. “One – No sharing of this video. Ever.  Not with anyone but me.  Two – Nobody else knows we did this. Ever.  Three – If I don’t like the way I look, we have to erase it.  Four – This is the only movie we will ever make – You ain’t turning me into an amateur porn star.  Five – No third parties!”  Taraji looked down her nose at him with her best serious face.  “And I mean that, Tyrese.”

“Okay, okay – That’s all fine with me.” He sighed. “Anything else?”

“I have a list of songs we can use for background music.”

* Top of the World – Menace II Society Soundtrack; Lick – Triple X Soundtrack; Perfect Match – School Daze Soundtrack; Crown Royal – Jill Scott

(*These actually would make a good soundtrack for a movie or a ‘dance’.  Check them out if you’re interested.)

“Okay, great, we can put those on repeat while we are filming. Cool?”  Tyrese was beginning to think he didn’t even want to do this anymore, because she was taking all the fun out of his idea.

“And I need a month to get ready.” Taraji said.

“A month!?! What the hell for?” Tyrese was flabbergasted. “It’s just a video, and nobody is gonna see it but us.  What do you need to do to get ready for that?”

“I need to get my hair done – you know she stays booked up. And I need a manicure.  And pedicure…” Taraji droned on and on until Tyrese was just staring off into space.

“– And you need to hit the gym.” She finished.

“Wait – what? Why?” Tyrese was confused – and a little hurt.  Did she think he was getting fat?  He thought he looked fine.  All his clothes fit.  What was the issue?  “What’s wrong with me that I gotta go to the gym?”

“I’m just sayin’, boo. We both need to get a little tighter.  The camera adds 10 lbs, you know.  I’m telling you the truth because I love you.”  She said.  She blew him a kiss and jumped up from the couch.  “I’m gonna go download our playlist.  Oh!  And one more question?  Can I just keep my normal close fade or do I have to get a Brazilian?  Are we doing vintage or new age?”

Tyrese hesitated. “Uh… Well would you mind doing new age? I just think you will like it better on screen.” He gave her his best charming smile, hoping she would just go with it.

Taraji stabbed him with a piercing look. “Okay fine.  But if I’m gonna do it, then you’re gonna do it too.  I’d like to see you get YOUR pubic hairs ripped from the root ‘for the look’.”

“Baby, I’m a man. Real men don’t get Brazilians.”  Tyrese smiled smugly at her.

“Maybe not, but porn stars do. And that’s what you want to be, right? Long Dong Silver? Big Rock Obama?”  She kept staring at him until he reluctantly agreed.

“I’ll shave, but I ain’t getting no damn Brazillian.” Tyrese said – which was all Taraji wanted to achieve.


The next Saturday, Taraji met her best friend Monique at the spa. They were there to get mani-pedis… and one Brazilian. “Girl, I just don’t understand why you doin’ this. Are you nuts?  You ‘bout to be scratching for days.” Monique cast a sympathetic glance at Taraji from over the nail table.  “What’s the big deal anyway?  Is it his birthday or something?”

“Something like that.” Taraji hedged. She averted her eyes for the umpteenth time.

“Okay, just tell me what the hell is going on. You’ve been acting crazy since we got here.  And you’ve NEVER done this before.  It’s not his birthday, not an anniversary… What IS it?” Monique said.

“You promise not to tell?” Taraji eyed her nervously. “We both promised not to tell anyone so you can’t ever let him know that I told you!”

“Yes! I swear on a stack of bibles – now spill it.” Monique leaned in to hear the news. “….Tyrese wants to make a sex tape.” Taraji rushed it out in one breath.

There was a full beat of stunned silence before Monique burst out laughing. “Ooh, child!  That is too much!  Who are you, Kim Kardashian?  You betta tell Ray J to find another fool!”  By this time Monique was yelling and people were beginning to stare.  Taraji grabbed her friend and pulled her into the hallway to finish explaining.  When she did, all Monique had to say was: “See, that’s why you’re married and I’m not.  But, er, uh… when you make your debut on Worldstar, ‘Paris Hilton’, I will be sure to tell everyone I knew you before you blew up!  So, you ‘bout to get stripped clean for some amateur hour, huh?” Monique continued to giggle.

They finished their their spa treatments, and then the big moment arrived. “Stay with me, Mo’. I’m scared.” Taraji reached for Monique’s arm and walked towards the waxing room.

Monique snatched her arm back. “Uh – hell no! We’ve been friends for a long-ass time but what AIN’T about to happen is me getting up close and personal with your coochie.  That’s an extra hell naw! I’ll see you on the other side, R Kelly!”

Meanwhile… At the gym…

“Man, this is the fourth week straight you been in here lifting like a maniac. You gettin’ all cut up.  What you doing, dude?  You on that Herba-Life or something?”  Omar asked, while spotting Tyrese.

“Nah man, just trying to get tightened up for something soon.” Tyrese went into his fourth set of bench presses.

“For what? It’s a nekkid beach party going on that I don’t know about?” said Omar.

“Something like that.” Tyrese fell into silent reps while Omar stood over him.

After a few minutes of strained silence, Omar broke down. “Okay for real, tho.  You in here every damn day for a month, looking like you fresh out the joint, talking about some nekkid party that I’M not invited to.  How you gon’ do me like that, son?  You out getting your freak on and you ain’t sharing?” Omar set the bar back into the cradle and picked up some free weights.  “I mean, I’m pumped.  I’m getting cut.  I got money.  Why you holding out?”  He continued to complain through his set.

“Nah, it’s not like that at all. I got something going with the wife. You know I don’t cheat.” Tyrese moved over to the leg press.

“Ohhh… Y’all making a sex tape?”

Tyrese missed his rhythm and let the weights slam back down into place. “How the hell do you know about that??!?!” he sputtered.

“I didn’t. Ha!  You just told me!”  Omar gloated at his cleverness.  “Man, every time somebody gets the bright idea to do a sex tape, the first thing they do is run up in the gym trying to get cut.  Plus, you been scratching your nuts like crazy. Either you got an STD or razor bumps.  Ha-ha!  She made you shave!  Am I right?” Omar laughed at the face Tyrese made.  “But how in the hell did you get Taraji to agree to that?  She lose a bet or something?”

“No, it was – look, don’t tell her that you know about this okay? Nobody is supposed to know.  I swore I wouldn’t tell.”  Tyrese gave his mouthy friend a killing glare.

“Technically, you didn’t tell me. I’m smart.  I figured it out.” Omar countered.  “Do you even know what you’re doing?  You got enough lighting?  Most rooms are too dark to film a movie.  You need a white background.  What about the camera?  YO! Can I work the camera?!?!  C’mon dawg!”

“Aw hell naw. You trippin’!  Ain’t no way I’d let you or anybody else up in that room.  With my wife?!  You high or something?  Don’t make me beat your ass, O.”  Tyrese finished his set and gathered his things to leave.  “And you better NEVER say anything about this to ANYONE.  Keep.  Your mouth.  SHUT.” And with that, he walked off… only to return a few moments later.  “Uh, what do you mean about the lighting?”

VIDEOTAPE (Or DVD/BLUE RAY for the youngsters)

The following weekend, it was time to film. Tyrese had been doing extra crunches and pushups all week. Taraji hadn’t eaten in 38 hours and had gotten her hair done that morning.  They were filming in the bedroom, which now looked like some Arabian Nights fantasy.  Billowy white sheets had been hung on all the walls so that it could have a more fantasy-like feel.  Tyrese had also brought in all the lamps from the guest room and took the shades off, to brighten up the scene. No grainy film on this shoot! He thought.

“Okay! You ready?” Taraji came into the room in a red satin robe that she’d bought just for this occasion.

“Oh yeah, baby. Let’s do this.”  And with that, Tyrese picked up the camera and turned on the iPod to play their “video mix”.  The bass line for Top of the World came on.  Taraji approached the bed slowly. “Do a little strip tease for me. Touch yourself.”  Tyrese immediately got into the role of director.  Taraji paused and gave him a confused look.  “Come on baby,” he said.  “Do it for the vine!”

She laughed and started to give him a little dance, undressing in her best sex kitten fashion. Soon things were getting heated.  Taraji came toward him and started to play with his package.  As she got down to business, she looked up to see him playing with the buttons on the camera.  Even worse – he wasn’t getting hard.  “Uh, ‘Reese?  What the hell, man?”  She backed up to look at him quizzically.

“My bad baby – I’m too focused on getting this camera to work. Start again.  But look at the camera the whole time, like they do in the movies.”  She began again, giving him what he asked for.  This time he responded.  After a few minutes of fellatio, he had more directions for her. “Okay. Now lay back and pull up your legs.”  As she did as asked, he tried to enter her, guiding himself with one hand while trying to get the camera angled correctly with the other.

All of a sudden a hand came across the screen out of nowhere.  He looked up to see Taraji glaring at him. “Hey punk! Quid pro quo, you know the drill. How you gon’ try to bang when I’m not even ready yet?”

“Oh! Sorry baby.  I’ve got my hands full with the camera.  But check this out.  I bought you a Rabbit, so you could do yourself.  That way, you can enjoy yourself and I can film it and get in good and close!”  Tyrese leaned over into the nightstand and pulled out a dildo with a quivering attachment.

“I’ve never used that.” She started to sit up.  He stopped her with a plea in his eyes. “Oh come on, T! Just a few shots to get the view I want, and then I promise I will never bring it up again!”  He gave her his best puppy dog eyes.  “Pleeeeeeezzee!!!”

She reluctantly agreed and grabbed the Rabbit.  She fumbled with it and gave an exasperated sigh.  “How do you do this?”  She handed it back to him to turn on, and then accepted the twitchy quivering machine from him.  She paused again.  “Are you sure?” She asked.  She wasn’t, but she was going to trust him on this.  At his nod, She leaned back and started playing with it.  And whaddya know?  It wasn’t half bad.   It wasn’t long before she was wet.

“Okay, slide it in, baby. Good.  Just like that.  Turn the vibrator part off.”  Tyrese was working with the zoom function, and not noticing the look of defiance on Taraji’s face.  She pretended to ignore him and left it on, continuing her newfound rhythm. “Okay.  Keep going.  Push it all the way – yeah like that.  Now flip over and use it doggie style.  Yeah.  Wait that buzz sound is going to be on film.   Just turn the vibrator part off.”  He insisted again.

“I can’t,” Taraji panted. “I don’t know how…You just hurry up and film what you want.”  She continued to use both parts of the toy.

Tyrese returned to director mode. “Okay now lay back and open your legs. Right.  That’s perfect!  Keep stroking like that.  Okay now – wait don’t close your legs.  Spread them again. …Stop clenching!  T spread your –”

“Aaaahhaaaahahhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuhhhhuuuhhhh…” Taraji came harder than she had in a decade, and promptly passed out.


STAY TUNED FOR THE CONCLUSION NEXT FRIDAY! I know, I left you (and Tyrese) hanging, but this was too long for one post.  I promise to wrap this up next week!!  Muah!! And I’m out! 


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