Hello world. I’m baaaack. Sorry for the long hiatus (Lies – I’m not sorry). Actually, let me explain the rules I play by when I do this blog. It must be funny. It must be an escape for the reader. It must be relatable for the audience (as much as possible). Lastly, it must be genuine. I’ve had trouble being funny recently because… Well, you know… Life just ain’t been funny and folks are still trying to figure out why #BlackLivesMatter. No, wait! I promise! I got my groove back. So, let’s go!
Joy’s Rant List Volume 53: How NOT to Do It – Part 1: The Juice Cleanse
You know, a lot of people like to remark about how smart I am. I have 3 degrees from 3 different schools. I am a chemist, and an engineer. I have an MBA and a high emotional IQ. I’m pretty awesome. But I’m not awesome ALL the time. Sometimes I do some pretty stupid things. I’m talking monumentally stupid, definitely memorably stupid and basically egregiously stupid. Sometimes other people do colossally stupid things too. So, we’re going to discuss these near-miss Darwin Awards in this series. I’m even gracious enough to go first…
A couple of weeks ago I decided to do a juice cleanse. I figured that it would be good for me, and it would jump start my metabolism. I’ve been trying to lose weight (More Lies – Not really, but I kinda am) and eat healthier. Truth be told, one of my besties, Dr. Ericka, started eating twigs and leaves… and then one day she was fine as hell. When did THAT happen? Say what? You eat Kale? Quinoa? And what the hell is “kwi-NO-ah” anyway? Oh, it’s pronounced “keen-wah”? Yeah I ain’t eating it. But, if I can get fine like Ericka, then I will!!!
So, let’s pause to make sure you understand the fundamental element needed to cause good intentions to go horribly wrong (AKA bad life choices that can haunt you forever). If you want to know how you get into the pattern of doing something wrong, it’s so simple. It’s what the previous generation called “hard-headed”. COMMIT to the high potential for failure. OWN your lack of research and information. You must REFUSE to adhere to any instructions or rules. Just, you know, go for what you know. Now if you don’t KNOW anything about what you are trying to do, then guess what? You get this blog. You might even BE in this blog one day soon.
Step 1: The System Cleanse (AKA “Colon Blow”)
So I decided to start my new healthy kale and quinoa eating habit with a good system cleanse. Many people know the benefits of the sea salt cleanse. This works. It always works. That is key – it ALWAYS works. You take 2 teaspoons of sea salt, mix it with room-temp water (4 cups) and then CHUG it. Chug it ALL. … Then you wait… You normally have to wait anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes for it to take effect. And you will KNOW when it does. This concoction will literally spray-jet-wash the inside of your colon. You will push out anything between your stomach and your sphincter. Eventually you will just be farting water. No… FOR REAL… The abdominal pressure created by sea salt and water is hurricane force REAL. Therefore, it is ill-advised to move more than 20 feet from your toilet for at least an hour, just to make sure your category 4 bubble gut situation is truly back to normal skies and sunshine.
HERE IS WHAT NOT TO DO…
I chugged my concoction, sat on the couch for about 10 minutes, and then absent mindedly decided to go downstairs to check my mail. My mailbox is about a 3-4 minute round trip in the elevator. And just as I was getting to the mailbox to open it – KABLAM! The shit literally decided to hit the fan!! Well – almost. With mail in hand, I had to decide what to do. Do I try to fart-water-jog up the stairs to make my trip quicker? Or, do I do the slowest ass-clinching walk of all time to the elevator and hope that if I stay still, I can hold it? I chose #2. (Ha! See what I did there!?!)
Anyway, I barely make it back into my place to jump onto the toilet. We are talking photo finish here, people. It was close. But I made it.
The End…? Of course not. That hardly qualifies as monumentally stupid… Surely, I have the ability to reach a Darwin Award level of greatness with my stupidity! Let’s keep going, shall we?
Step 2: The Smoothie (ahem) Situation (AKA “Metal Mishap”)
I decided that I would purchase some kale and spinach mix and eat salad every day. I would even grab some grapes for snacks, and why not buy the strawberries and mangos and other fruits that I had seen at Smoothie King so I could make smoothies? I had tried a frozen fruit smoothie at my friend Janelle’s house, so I knew I liked them. (Special shout-out to Paul who makes his wife awesome breakfast smoothies). Plus, Ericka eats smoothies for breakfast every day with her twigs and leaves which is why she is all fine as hell now.
(Fast Forward One Week)
The frozen fruit is still unopened in the freezer. The kale and spinach mix is looking suspect in the refrigerator, and the grapes are about to go bad. That’s the problem with organic fruit – It rots. Wal-Mart fruit lasts for like 2-3 months. McDonald’s is probably still serving 2012 fruit parfaits.
So I have this bad fruit and suspicious looking salad mix. Let’s mix it all together and make a green smoothie! Why the hell not? (*Remember my earlier comment about COMMITTING to the failure…) A green smoothie will be healthy and keep me from wasting the paycheck I spent to buy organic. Now, I didn’t research any recipes, read any directions or ask anyone anything about amounts for measuring. I just pulled out my Hamilton Beach blender that I use for margaritas, put in a handful of kale/spinach, a handful of grapes and tossed in some Ocean Spray cranberry juice (for liquid) before hitting the “smoothie” button on my blender.
The result? It was a lumpy green mess of strange bits and pieces of formerly edible fruits and vegetables. It was watery and thick at the same time. Imagine finely ground mulch and freshly cut grass – in a glass. So that’s what I decided to call it – salad in a glass. I took a chance and sipped/chewed a bit of it. And you know what? It wasn’t that bad. But then I poured it into a glass and realized that I had made about 40 ounces of this salad smoothie concoction. You just can’t drink a 40 oz smoothie. You lose all street cred. That is not the 40 they talk about. At any rate, I put the rest in the fridge to save for later… And then forgot about it until the following day…
A day and a half later, I open the fridge and see some tri-layered green-brown-clear liquid in the glass. What the hell is this? Apparently – you can’t “hold on” to a green smoothie. I tried to stir it up to rekindle my decent experiment from before but…nah. Down the drain. There is no “do over” for salad in a glass. I actually did make another smaller batch because it really did taste alright though. In the future, this will be how I take all my veggies – pulverized for quick chugging. I only savor meats and desserts. I mean, if you are supposed to eat better to be healthy, then eating salad really is like taking medicine, right?
Don’t forget that I’m an engineer and scientist! If at first you don’t succeed, set up another experiment! The next smoothie I tried was a frozen fruit smoothie. I’d seen this done before. Well – I’d been nearby when it was done, and that counts for credit. Of course, I didn’t really pay attention to what making a smoothie entailed. And remember how I didn’t research any recipes, read any directions or know anything about amounts for measuring the last time? Yeah, it didn’t occur to me change any of those conditions for this experiment. (COMMIT to being hard-headed!)
So, I threw in slightly less fruit than a handful, poured out some almond milk to make it creamy (in my mind) and added a touch of stevia because I didn’t trust the fruit to be sweet. What came out of the blender was the best hand-made sorbet ever! It was SO delicious!!! And it probably was low calorie, right? It was just frozen berries, almond milk and water! YES! We have a winner! So I poured out a glass – but once again realized that I made too much. What to do with the rest? I knew the refrigerator was not an option (See how smart I am!?!) Well, usually when I make margaritas, I just leave the leftovers in the pitcher and then put it in the freezer. So, let’s do that. I’ll come back and eat the rest for dessert! YAY for healthy desserts!!!
A few hours later, I come back and open the freezer to find a pink rock sitting in the blender. My fruit smoothie was frozen solid. Why? Because there is no alcohol in this smoothie like there is in my margaritas to keep that pleasant slushy texture. But I was jonesin’ for something sweet. I tried to take an ice pick and chip off some smoothie, but that took too long. So then I tried to run it under the hot water tap, but it burned my hand where I was holding it.
HERE IS WHAT NOT TO DO…
Next, I decided to try and quickly soften the sorbet the same way I soften ice cream – by putting it in the microwave for about 10 seconds. …Yes, you read that right. Yes, it’s what you think. I put the ENTIRE PITCHER from my blender in the microwave and hit “plus 30”. FIVE seconds later I remembered, “Hey fool! There are metal blades in the bottom of that pitcher!”
HERE IS WHAT (ELSE) NOT TO DO…
I wanted to make sure that the metal didn’t spark so I got close to the microwave to SEE if I could see it sparking. I wanted to be able to remove it before it exploded. Now here’s what I didn’t take into account: the spark would BE the explosion. Not enough reflexes in the world to avoid that. And my face was inches from the microwave door! This was monumentally stupid! Not only did I put metal – SHARP BLADES of metal – in the microwave, I then proceeded to WATCH it up close to see if it would explode!!! They say God looks out for babies and fools. Clearly, they are right. I came to my senses and removed the pitcher, put some hot water inside it, stabbed it with a steely knife (Eagles!) and then ate what ended up being shaved ice.
Now you know why they put warnings on blow driers for you not to use it in the bathtub. It’s for people like me. Remember – I have THREE college degrees. I didn’t use a single one of them while I was staring at sharp metal cooking in a microwave! And I did eventually get my act together and got a nutri-ninja smoothie maker. No more oversized portions. No more microwave shenanigans. But just remember – I almost blew my face off trying to melt a strawberry rock.
Rant 53 and I’m out! But, stay tuned for my next installment – How Not To Go Natural.