Joy’s Rant List Volume 56: Sex Crimes 101

Before I begin, let me apologize for the length of time between blog posts. I ain’t feel like it. So there. Happy now? Now, let’s just get back to business.

(I know many of my friends are married and hitting that 7-15 year period where you wonder: “What else can I do to keep it new? How can I keep his/her attention?” Many couples struggle with this, and I am here to tell you – I do NOT have the answers. But, what I CAN give you is a bunch of examples of “When Keeping It Sexy Goes Wrong”!)

I said that the next blog would be about “How Not to Do” sex. And, it is. Remember Taraji and Tyrese? You know them. They were the couple that tried to make a home video a while ago?  Well, they are back in their own spinoff series! And the name of this new series shall be: Sex Crimes!  LOL

Private Dancer (Who Can’t Dance for Money)

Tyrese’s 40th birthday was coming up, and Taraji wanted to do something special for her husband.  After the sex video fiasco, she knew not to ask him, but she definitely wanted to bring some sexy back to their bedroom. After doing a little research, she decided to take some exotic dance classes and learn a ‘private dance’ for his birthday.  But because she had procrastinated as usual, it was four days before his birthday, and there were no classes being offered!

Down but not out, Taraji turned to YouTube.  As expected, it was FULL of epic failures. After 3-4 hours of emergency room endings and redirects to goofy porn sights, she finally found some sexy moves and memorized a quick routine.  Okay – done!  She went to her bedroom to pick out an outfit for the dance. It was at this point that she realized she really needed to go shopping. All of her underwear looked, well, worn. She needed some new sexy clothes.  And, how was she going to unveil this “linger-ree”? All she had was the flannel bath robe her mom had given her three years ago. Not a good look. Well, moms was going to have to put in on this birthday gift for her son-in-law.

The next morning, Taraji went over to her mom’s house and snatched her fur coat (she wasn’t wearing it right now anyway). Then, she rushed over to Victoria’s Secret to get some Angel underwear sets and hurried home to hide everything in the spare bedroom before Tyrese got home. Finally, it was the big day.  Taraji woke him up with a “birthday BJ”, knowing he would think that was his present.  After finishing him off, she headed to kitchen to make brunch. She had already planned to use this as her excuse to send Ty to the grocery store so she could get the rest of the house ready.  When he left, she threw rose petals on the floor from the front door to the bedroom.  She lit candles and closed all the shades to set the mood.  She started the ‘Stripper Playlist’ that she’d put together from iTunes.

Listening to Beyoncé’s “Partition”, she was already feeling sexy… and relieved that there was no Brazilian wax to make her uncomfortable this time. Taraji put on her new Angel set and started her final preparations.  But after a few minutes she realized her thong didn’t fit right and was riding up the crack of her ass… “Whatever,” Taraji thought to herself, “It’s only going to be on for a few minutes.”  She put on her mom’s fur coat to top it off – because she remembered seeing that in an old Ciara video.  Now it was only time to wait for him to get home.

And wait…

And wait!!!  It had been over an hour, and he was not back from getting bread and bacon yet!?!  That Angel thong was starting to irritate her butt because the whole damn thing was too small. When did she gain this weight anyway!?!  This was worse than that damn Brazilian! Plus, the fur coat was hot AF because it was June in Georgia.  She took it off to do a quick wipe down with some wet wipes and then get back into position. After waiting another 20 minutes, she reached for her phone to text him.

Taraji: “Where u at?”

Tyrese: “Ran into Omar at the store. We were rappin’.  Headed home now.”

She side-eyed the phone, but it was his birthday so she chilled.

Taraji: “I’ve got a surprise waiting for you…”

That should stop any more ‘detours,’ she thought. Ty finally got home, and she yelled out, “Follow the flowers!” Duh, like he didn’t see them.  He knew it was his birthday. Then again, it would be just like his dumb ass to sit on the couch and start playing Madden like he didn’t see the damn flowers… She could hear him on the stairs so she restarted her stripper playlist.  Rihanna’s “Birthday Cake” was on first as Tyrese walked in the room.

“Awwwwww shit!!!”  He started grinning from ear to ear.  She led him over to the ‘throne’ chair that she had placed just for this occasion and sat him down.  She gave him a stack of Monopoly money and backed away.  Now it was time to blow. his. mind! She began her dance.  Some pelvic gyrating, playing with the fur coat, letting it fall open and then closing it back up.  She peeled off one shoulder, turned away, peeled off the other, looked over her shoulder at him, and let the coat drop. She noticed a flash of confusion across his face as she turned back to him. “What’s wrong, baby?” She asked.

“Ummm – yo, them draws are cutting you pretty bad, babe.  You have a red streak on your waist.  You okay?”  He was still staring at the underwear.

“Look, boy, I’m trying to be sexy over here.  I didn’t try these on before I bought them, and I have been waiting here in these tight-assed draws for you for almost two hours!  So this” – she indicated the red welt – “is YOUR fault.”  He started laughing.  “Stop laughing!!!” she yelled.  That just made him laugh harder.  She spoke seductively, “Well, what if I take them off…”

She continued her dance, and let the panties fall to the floor.  She unhooked her bra and came toward him, putting her breasts in his face.  He figured out what he was supposed to do and bit the bra, holding it while she pulled out of it.  She was now standing before him completely naked except for a pair of red pumps.  He was soaking it all in and there was clear evidence below the waist that he was enjoying this, although his eyes kept darting to the red line at her hip.  Ugh! Whatever.  She started to do the moves she’d practiced… Bend over, bounce your butt up and down, turn around and look back at him, make your ass clap…. Clap… Come on ass, CLAP!  Why is it not working?  What she thought she was doing was making it clap.  What he SAW her doing was bouncing up and down on her toes like an excited toddler.

“Umm – Babe… What are you trying to do?”  She could hear the laughter in his voice and just wanted to punch him in the face.

“I’m trying to make my ass clap! I saw it on the computer, but I can’t make it clap!” She bounced a couple more times but apparently it was harder than it looked.  So she just dropped into a squat and started slapping her thighs instead.  He was cracking up laughing and using the Monopoly money to ‘make it rain’ on her.  Good, at least that part went right.  She rolled her body closer to him, and grabbed the arms of the ‘throne’, ready to jump up and straddle him.  But the arms on the chair were wider than she had anticipated, and she couldn’t… quite… get… up… there.  She backed up to try again, this time throwing one leg over and then the other, but now she was tilted to one side, with her thigh on one arm and her calf on the other, holding on to him so she didn’t fall over.  She looked him in the eye and said “Hey big daddy” at which point he stood up, tumbling her to the floor as he proceeded to bust out laughing. Taraji grabbed the fur coat and her underwear before stomping off to the bathroom. She slammed the door while cursing him from the other side.  “…Trying to do something nice for YO’ ASS, and all you can do is laugh at me!”

Taraji flung the door back open to continue yelling and cursing. “See, this is why I don’t do this shit, but nooooo… It’s your birthday so I’m trying to keep it sexy for you, and you just laughing your ass off! Well fu-”

Tyrese grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to a stop. “Thank you baby.  That was the best birthday present ever.  I’m not making fun of you!” he added, as she continued to struggle.

Taraji gave him the evil eye, saying “And you better not tell anyone what happened. I swear Tyrese. I’m not playing with you!”

“Babe…“ Tyrese bent down to throw her over his shoulder and give her rump a resounding smack. “I promise I’mma do you right…” he proclaimed, as he headed back to the bedroom.


(If you would like more escapades of Taraji and Tyrese, let me know by liking and sharing. Peace!)

Rant 58 done, and I’m out!!!