Joy’s Rant List Volume 36: You Get What You Pay For

Okay, first let me get something off my chest.  For those of you who know me, you know that I suffered the loss of my father in February, right between my birthday and his.  It took me a while to get over it.  Actually, I’m still not “over it,” but I am back to functioning.  I wanted to write something about my dad, but every time I tried, I couldn’t.  I didn’t want to relive that pain, but I wasn’t ready to write about anything else.  So I stalled out on writing for a while. My friends and long-time fans that have been with me since Volume 1 – they understood.

But to my new fans who jumped on after volumes 28 and forward…


Sigh… I feel better now.

Speaking of payment… I want to tell you a story about me being a cheap-ass, and how that worked out for me:

1)  Recently, I bought the cutest little orange and white dress that fit perfectly.  I was oh-so-excited because it only cost me $8.00 on the clearance rack.  Score!  I wore the dress, and that was all cool.  Then, I washed it…  My ENTIRE load of clothes turned a disgusting “orange creamsicle” color.  ALL my socks were finished.  My favorite white button-down work shirt – DONE.   Dammit!  Stupid cheap-ass orange and…creamsicle dress!!  How do you make a dress that fades on ITSELF? … Oh yeah, $8.00.

2)  Oh, but let’s move on to me replacing the socks.  I went to the dollar store and got a 3-pack of tube socks for $0.99.  Why hadn’t I known this before?  Why didn’t I always buy my socks from the dollar store?  I was once again stoked to get a deal.  But then I snagged one of the socks with a fingernail and got a run in it.  A RUN IN IT!!  These were socks and not a pair of pantyhose!  WTF!  I washed another pair, and a hole just appeared out of nowhere.  Who makes one time wear socks??? …Oh.  The dollar store.

So as I am sitting here in my orange and creamsicle dress wearing my run-filled, holey socks, I got to thinking:   “I would have been better off just buying something of higher quality the first time.  Being a cheap-ass was an expensive waste of time and money.  You always get what you pay for…”

To my high-powered brothers out there:  How many of you are cheap-asses when it comes to finding someone?  I am not talking about finding someone who won’t spend your money.  I’m talking about someone that doesn’t cost you anything emotionally.

Too often, I see men looking for relationships with women that are not going to make them extend any effort, or cause them any real pain or emotional turmoil.  The trouble is that when they find these “emotionally inexpensive” women, they try to make it last.  After the first spin cycle (emotional turbulence), all hell breaks loose.  All of a sudden, she needs her bills paid.  Or, she has a kid she forgot to mention.  Or, she has a Chlamydia infection.  Or, she is a stalker, batshyt crazy, ghetto fabulous…

SN:  Remember that ghetto booties are found on ghetto chicks.   (Not that I’m calling out Free or anything…) 

I have lots of power-broker, semi-baller, good-job-having, “great catch” male friends out there.  I went to Spelman and Ga Tech – they were everywhere.  But in the last decade, I have heard my male friends admit they don’t want to go through the trouble of working to get women like me or my friends because they have to work too hard.  With these “hard” women, they have to call them, pay attention, actually listen, and be ready for a deep or challenging conversation at least once a month.  Why try so hard when there is another woman that looks just like us at the “Dollar Store” club, and “She don’t want nothing”?  With the “Dollar Divas”, they can go from ballroom to bedroom in less than a month.  Well, brothers, there is a difference between Gucci and Pucci.

If you get a woman who isn’t going to make you work up front then believe me; you will be working much, MUCH harder in the long run.

Example:  How many of you guys drive a Mercedes, BMW, Range Rover, Lexus, Infinity, etc?  You didn’t just go out and buy that car.  You made sure you had a down payment AND enough money in your account to afford the car note.  You budgeted for the premium gas to keep it running right.  Why did you do all these things?  Why not buy a used Pontiac Bonneville and call it a day?  Well, here are a few possible reasons:

  1. You didn’t want anyone to see you in some raggedy old bucket.
  2. You wanted something reliable and dependable.
  3. You wanted everyone who saw you to know you had good taste.

Question:  If you will spend 3 years saving up to get the car of your dreams, why won’t you invest 3 months getting to know the girl of your dreams?

Too often, some men make the fatal mistake of confusing “high maintenance” with “high cost of entry”.  A Lexus has a “high cost of entry”.  You have to be sure you can afford it – UP FRONT.  But once you know you can afford it, the rest is a breeze.  A bucket is “high maintenance” – every time you turn around, there is something else wrong with it.  It stays in the shop.  Take the Lexus in to the dealership for service, and you get a loaner.  There are no loaners at your cousin’s garage where you take the bucket.  You better catch the bus.  Or just wait.  My parents bought a Lexus the year I graduated from high school.  I am going to drive that same car to my 20-year reunion in a few weeks.  Now THAT’S longevity.  On the flip-side, my friend’s Pontiac stays in the shop for some reason or another.  THAT’S just a lemon, and it ain’t enough sugar in the world to turn it into lemonade.

The next time you meet a woman, listen to what she says.  Watch what she does.  Determine if she is “high maintenance” or “high cost of entry”.  You can even use this FREE cheat sheet:

High Maintenance

High Cost of Entry

Wants you to buy her gifts and take her places that she can’t take herself.

Is already gone on a business trip or a trip with her girls. Again.

Calls you to talk about nonsense.  Gets mad when you don’t call her back within the hour.

Didn’t call you yesterday.  Might not call you
tomorrow.  But is happy to hear from
you when you do speak to her.

Scandalous in the bedroom.

Scandalous in the bedroom…  Once you make it that far.

Always available.  (But you have to go pick her up because her car is in the shop.)

Usually busy.  (But will make time, if you give her a reason.)

Always wants to come spend the night at your house. Tries to leave something behind.

Has her own house/condo.  Doesn’t mind if you spend the night.  But you better put the toilet seat down, son!

Always flawless.  Don’t touch her hair, though.

She might rock a ponytail on the weekend.  But she cleans up well, and can go from ashy to classy in less than an hour.  Doesn’t mind getting caught in the rain.

Will be a damsel in distress, needing you to save her constantly. There is always going to be some new drama.

Doesn’t need you to save her.  But she may need you to
ground her, or catch her when she collapses from doing too much.

What you will notice is that the woman who has a “high cost of entry” sounds like “she doesn’t need a man.”  She doesn’t.  *kanye shrug*  HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t WANT one.  The hard part about getting a woman like this is getting her attention.  She may not have time for you when you first meet her.  She will not sweat you, which can be a little damaging to the ego.  She will even call you on your shullbit in a NY minute.  You have to invest yourself and prove you are worth her valuable time because she is self-sufficient and usually doing a whole lot in her own personal and professional life.  But if you can get her  attention – and her affection – there’s nothing like it.  20 years later will still feel like the first (as long as you keep the oil changed)!

Final Analogy:  Remember that orange dress I washed?  Well it turns out; the tag said something like “Hand Wash Separately in Cold Water – Line dry”.  But all of my other clothes go in the wash with no complaints (*kicks rocks*).  Why did this dress have to be so troublesome & contrary?  Well, it was not as resistant to the rigors of a washing machine as the rest of my higher quality wardrobe.  In a similar way, these “clearance rack” women will not fit into the demands or lifestyle of the high-society or corporate professional man.  If you want someone that can roll with you through the ups and downs, late nights, early mornings, work trips, and the spin cycle, you will have to stop shopping at “Hoodrat Depot.”  Which woman do you want in your house while you are gone:  The one who calls you every time she hears a noise, or the one who got the plumbing fixed while you were out of town?  The one who complains every time you have to work late?  Or the one who comes to your office for a ‘nooner’ because her office is up the street?

Parting Shot: Think about it this way: When you go to the club, you pay the $20 cover, then walk into the crush of strange people,
fight with 30 other folks to get the bartender’s attention, and leave with a hole in your wallet and no real buzz from those watered down drinks.  On the other hand, the guys in the VIP buying bottles got to lounge on a couch, mix their own drinks at their table, get shout outs from the DJ, etc.  It’s a whole different experience at the club …IF you are willing to pay the “high cost of entry.”

Rant # 36 done, and I’m out. … But not for so long this time.


Joy’s Rant list, Volume 34: Close Encounters of the BAMA Kind – Part II: The BAMA Strikes Back!

This ain't what'cha want....


*cough, gag, cough*  


*cough, choke, sputter, wheeze*

Wow… that was harder to say than I thought.  J

This is a story of how I gave my friend some sound advice about “giving a good man a chance.”  This is also a story about how that ish backfired on her (and by extension on me) like you wouldn’t believe.

To fully understand this rant, you have to have been following me for at least 3 months – that way you will know about Alpha Males, Alpha Females, Betas, BAMAs and FIFAs.  Go check out Rants 30, 31 and 32 then you will know all that you need to know.  If you don’t feel like reading all of that, don’t worry.  This will still be tragically funny to you.  It is to me!  Maybe not to my friend, but, hey – let’s learn from her mistakes.

SN: She may construe this as MY mistake since I sorta talked her into this, but… *shrug*

My friend travels a lot and frequently uses rental cars.  While waiting in line at Hertz, the tall and attractive man in front of her struck up a friendly conversation.  During their 20 minute wait, she learned the following:  He was a DC lobbyist with an Ivy League degree, similar age, single, no kids, tall AND fine.  He even “lobbied” her for a date that night.  (Y’all know how I like aggression and spontanaeity.)

After she left, she called me to relay the experience.  I asked her if she gave him her number, and she said, “Nah.  I took his, but I was really kinda ho-hum about him.  Something about him rubbed me the wrong way.” 

*blank stare into the phone*

Ho-hum?!?!  HO-HUM?!?!  I yelled into the phone: “Girl! Do you know how many women would give their left ovary to have a man like that try to holla at them?!?!  What is wrong with you?  You should have given the brother a chance.  See, that’s why you’re single.  You are just too hard on brothers.  There’s nothing wrong with him, and you are just being difficult….”  After my tirade, she apparently decided to call the guy.  Their schedules that weekend didn’t allow the date he wanted, but the phone conversations continued…

TWO MONTHS LATER:  My girl has decided that maybe he is ‘all that.’  He’s smart, vice-president at a major corporation, loves sports, has been consistent in calling, etc.  I GLOAT in my glory of being right.  She finally agrees to visit him, and he asks her to join him in New Orleans for a weekend since he runs his own company there.  Wow – nice first date, right?  At this point, I am really rubbing it in as to how she almost missed out because of unnecessary contrariness.  She buys her plane ticket to New Orleans, but he promises to arrange everything else.  She then receives an email confirmation of her 5-star hotel accommodations.  Can I pick ‘em or what?!?

(Cue dark and twisted music…) 

Sexy, suave, psycho... serial killer...

On an early Saturday morning, I wake up to a text message from her: 

When I see U, I am going 2 stab U in both kidneys with a #2 pencil

Dayum!  Huh?  What did I do?  I call but get no answer.  I assume it’s just a joke.  She calls back 2 hours later with the sordid details:  She’d had to take a red-eye that landed at 6:30 AM.  She called “The Lobbyist” (that will be his serial killer moniker until further notice) to ask where they should meet.  He says, “Wow – you’re here already? I thought your flight landed sometime after 7.  Uhhh…  Give me 20 minutes to get there.”

Now you have to know my friend to understand how this aggravated her.  She’s the type of person that will meet you inside the airport if you visit her.  She’s also a meticulous planner – so I am SURE she sent him her itinerary beforehand.  And even still – if her flight landed “sometime after 7” then why was he STILL ASLEEP at 6:30?  I need to immediately downgrade my expectations for the weekend.

After he picks her up from the outside curb with the car still running, he confesses that he was tired from partying until almost 3 AM.  He then says he meant to figure out if she could get an early check-in, but he never got around to it.  He would call the hotel now, but he doesn’t know the hotel information.

Did I mention that my friend is a meticulous planner?  I said that, right?  So you know she is slowly starting to get the same feeling of dread I got when I went out with “Super Smedium Orange Polo BAMA” a few months back (Rant #32).

She called the hotel herself, then turned used her GPS to get directions, since he wasn’t sure where it was, other than “In the Quarter”. 

Remember from Rant #31, when I told you that an Alpha Female will give you a chance, and it’s yours to F- up?  Yeah – she converted to “you’ve failed, so I will now take care of myself mode” immediately.

After  she tells me all of this, I am thinking “Ummm.  Okay, everyone has their faults… Right?”  I tell her that maybe he will make it up to her later.  And she should just relax and go with the flow for the rest of the weekend.  She reluctantly agreed to let it all go, and just enjoy her trip.  She loves good food so what better place to be for the weekend than New Orleans, Louisiana? 

(More psycho horror music…)  Around 11PM the same day, I get another text message from her:

That right eyeball of yours?  Yeah, it’s smooth coming OUT with some dull toothpicks!

ME: Why I gotta be blind in one eye!?!

HER: Because it’s your fault that I ever called this guy in the first place.  He is batshyt crazy.

Sigh…. What could possibly have happened now?  Come to find out, The Lobbyist took her to a breakfast spot where the only thing on the menu she could eat was pancakes.  She doesn’t eat beef or pork.  And he knew that.  But WHO finds a restaurant in New Orleans that doesn’t serve crawfish, shrimp or crab?!?  For lunch, he took her to a Thai restaurant that he ADMITTED wasn’t one of his favorite restaurants.  WHO COMES TO NEW ORLEANS TO EAT THAI FOOD?!?  And then…

1)      He refuses to wear his seatbelt and drives while drinking an open container of Hurricane. 

2)      She says she is concerned that he’s on his 4th drink of the day before the sun sets – AND driving with no seatbelt. 

3)      He chugs the rest of the Hurricane so he won’t be drinking and driving and not wearing his seatbelt. 

Why is this batshyt crazy dude trying to kill my friend by driving drunk?  By the end of the evening, she is literally sick to her stomach.  He drops her back at the hotel, but she feels bad for ending the night so early.  She tries to call and catch him on his way home.  He answers his phone and says, “I’m not going home.  I’m about to go hang out.” 

HER INTERNAL THOUGHTS:  Seriously?  You got me to come down here to be with you for the weekend so you could leave me in the hotel and hang out on Bourbon Street?!  Okay, forget expectations.  What else can happen for me to blame on Joy!?!

Well…  At least he didn’t send her the late night text asking if she was awake.  That would have been a dead give-a-way that he brought her there for a weekend of “On Demand Ass” – also known as a “Baller Booty Call”. 

Beware women.  Some BAMAs are not broke! 

Instead, the next day, The Lobbyist asks her to come with him while he handles some business and checks on some of his clients.  He says she can wait in the car because it will only take 5 minutes. 

(Cue ominous thunder and lightning sounds…) 

"What's wrong, baby? You don't like how I swing it?!"

The following text message from her arrives:

I’ve been sitting in car alone with no A/C in 80 degree heat in the middle of the 9th Ward for the past 30 mins.  I’m not even mad.  At this point, I just want 2 see what else he does B4 YOUR LIFE ENDS.

I had to call her just to make sure she wasn’t delirious from heat exhaustion.  We talked for another 30 minutes before her phone died, and serial killer (aka “The Lobbyist”) STILL hadn’t come back to check on her!  Thankfully, her anger fueled her metabolism enough to resist a heat stroke.  He offered a lame apology then promised to take her to an amazing restaurant for dinner.  (By the way, she said that he had initially told her the brunch and Thai spots were “amazing” too).  Yeah…  That “amazing” dinner restaurant had PLAIN sea bass and salmon rather than crawfish jambalaya or shrimp etouffee – or ANYTHING that Louisiana is known for.  It’s like he took her to Applebee’s. 

For dinner conversation, he asked her what was the wildest thing she had done this year.  She told him she jumped off a skyscraper.  He said he had actually done 3 wild things: 

1) Went “swinging” with some other couples a few times.

2) Had sex with a size 24 woman to see how much it would gross him out.

3) Seduced a married woman, then dumped her after she left her husband for him.

*WTF?!?!?!*  (And that was just THIS year!)

So here’s the final straw:  Before dinner, she had asked what shoes would be appropriate because her cute shoes were not made for walking (girls, you feel me on that).  She wanted to look good but not have hurting feet.  He told her that she wouldn’t have to worry about walking a lot.  So, she wore the cute designer heels appropriate for the red carpet, and not vomit-laden Bourbon Street.  If you’ve ever been to Bourbon Street, you know this is not an exaggeration.  After the oh-so-revealing dinner, The Lobbyist then proceeded to make her walk through AND OUT of the tourist area, on what he considered a ‘romantic architecture tour.’  This tour consisted of him saying things like, “Check out that fence” and “Wow, that’s a nice balcony.”  Still reeling from the dinner conversation, she was just quiet.  However, the pain of walking in 4 inch heels finally forced words out of her.  She told him she couldn’t walk another step, and he was going to have to carry her.  He stopped into a corner store and bought her a pair of flat shoes so they could trudge back through vomit-laden Bourbon Street to his car. 

I’d like to make a note here:  Some women may have found it charming that he stopped to get her some comfortable shoes.  It’s NOT.  Don’t be fooled.  Did he buy her a pair of shoes so her feet wouldn’t hurt?  Yes.  Did she look crazy?  Yes.  Could all of this have been avoided if he had simply not made her walk 2 miles in the first place?  YES.  So, he gets no bonus points for buying the shoes when he was the reason she needed them.  MEN: don’t look for brownie points when solving a problem YOU created!

(Cue sounds of a bloody human sacrifice…) 

Kill Joy... Kill Joy... Kill Joy

The text message I got at this point:

I am gonna take the heel of this cheap-a$$ shoe & beat U 2 death Joy. 

The NEXT TIME I tell U I am not feeling a dude…  U just shut the hell up

ME: “Okay.”

SUMMARY:  My friend spent a weekend getting left at the airport, left in hot cars, left to hike miles in cheap-a$$ shoes, and left eating food that had nothing to do with New Orleans.  Oh, and I hope you didn’t forget The Lobbyist not wearing a seat belt AND driving while getting drunk.  Women – any man who cares nothing for his own safety and even less for yours is to be avoided at all costs.  DAMN THE GOOD JOB!!!

Sigh…  I guess that expression really is true:  All that glitters is not gold.  Yeah, he looked good and had a good job.  But no, he was not good for my friend.  I say that because there ARE women that would have catered to his ego and done whatever he wanted to do that weekend.  They wouldn’t have minded any of that other stuff just based on the 5-star hotel treatment (e.g. FIFAs, Rant#31).  My friend, however, never puts herself in anything less than a 4+ star hotel or resort, so she was merely comfortable, not impressed.

Oh wait…  You really want to know HOW DID IT END???

Well…  The night before she left, he asked what time her plane departed.  She told him that it left around 6 AM. He told her to text him at 5 AM then…

*blank stare*

Sooo…  She woke up the next morning and caught a cab to the airport so she could be there BY 5 AM (i.e. ON TIME) for her flight.  She sent him a text FROM THE PLANE.  After that, she called and cursed me out until the plane took off.  And I took it like a champ.

Rant # 34 done and I’m out (minus both kidneys and one eyeball).

Joy’s Rant List, Volume 31: I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

This rant is going to step on many many toes.  However, what I am about to say will only offend you if you don’t know who you are OR don’t like who you are.  If you want to ‘unfriend’ me on FB after this, well… I probably won’t mind.  But before you decide to leave a scathing comment, remember this one:  “A hit dog hollers.” 

I want to dedicate this rant to the fellas.  Guys, PLEASE pay attention.  I am often amazed by guys that never seem to know the difference between a good woman and just a good lay.  (Side note – those two things are not mutually exclusive!)  On the other hand, I sympathize with the men I know who can’t understand why women date losers.  THIS rant will tell you how to distinguish between all these confusing types of women.  Basically, I have separated women into three categories: Alphas (15%), Betas (50%) and FIFAs (35%).  

1)  FIFAs – FIFA is not about soccer.  It stands for Fake Insecure Female Adults.  You know the type:  Fake hair, fake nails, fake eyelashes, fake boobs and Body Magic – but steady saying she is “keeping it real.”   She has false confidence and a clichéd attitude.  These are the women running around crying out “I don’t need a man.”  She, on the other hand, has been known to try and take someone else’s!  A FIFA demands that you prove you can take care of her when she clearly can’t take care of herself.  FIFAs will want a man to take them to expensive restaurants they can’t afford on their own.  The FIFA will even curse you out in public for not treating her like a lady.  (Hint:  Ladies don’t curse you out in public.)  I guarantee you are thinking of a chick like this right now that you can’t stand.  Some women reading this may be offended by my allusion to fake hair and nails.  I’m not talking about getting braids to make upkeep easier.  Nor am I talking about the women who may get artificial nails or put on Spanx for a special occasion.  I’m talking about the women who have had weave for so long that nobody but their stylist knows what their hair really looks like.  I’m also talking about women who won’t have sex with the lights on because they look NOTHING like they did 10 minutes ago in the living room… 

FIFAs are always saying they are trying to live ‘drama free.’  Any woman who says this brings drama with her.  Moreover, a FIFA only understands drama.  Their relationships are characterized by fighting and yelling.  You can’t have a rational discussion with her because she only knows how to argue and roll her neck.  If you’ve ever heard a woman say “If he don’t hit me, he don’t love me”, you now know who you were dealing with.  Alpha and Beta women don’t suffer drama in their lives – period – so there is no need to “try” to live drama free.  Similar to BAMAs (see Rant #30), FIFAs will try to emulate the posture and poise of a Beta or Alpha female.  But their actions don’t match their words, and their voice will grate on your nerves like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

2) BETAs –   Beta Females tend to be the proverbial “good girl.”  They excel at following directions.  They make good wives because they started planning their weddings in elementary school.  They can accomplish a lot in life because they are smart, capable, dependable, etc.  But at the end of the day, their ultimate goal is to be married with kids.  THIS IS NOT AN INSULT.  A woman’s natural state is to be a supportive wife and loving mother.  Beta Females try to accomplish those things in that order.  They prefer not to be single mothers, but they do have biological clocks that tick REAL LOUD.  They can sometimes ‘settle’ on a husband because time is running out – which may or may not end well.  Most women – say 90% – start life as Betas.  Then, through trial by fire or a failure to mature, some will ascend to Alpha or fall to FIFA status.  Sometimes a Beta Female will fall or ascend after she has gotten married.  It depends on what level her husband exhibits.

Low-level Betas and all FIFAs may fall victim to the charms of BAMA men.  BAMAs are attracted to and prey on insecure women.  I call these women “BAMA Bait”.  They like their BAMA’s looks, and on the surface these men seem to be in control.  But 6 months later it all falls apart.  And because FIFAs are loud, these are the women you hear crying that there are no good men left.  There are.  They just don’t want her.  And if you pay attention to the percentages, you will see that easily a third of the current female population could become BAMA Bait.  Now do you see why your homegirl is dating a loser? 

3)  ALPHAs – It is hard to spot an Alpha Female in childhood because they are most commonly transformed, not born.  I have only personally met two Alpha Females under the age of 25.  You may know a young girl who is raising her younger siblings, or taking care of a sick parent while still in high school, or dealing with some sort of abuse but still holding her grades up.  All have the makings of a future Alpha Female provided the ordeal doesn’t destroy them.  Both of the young Alpha Females I know went through some trials early in life and came through them as outstanding young women.  Ironically, they know each other and are good friends – because Alpha Females tend to run with other Alpha or high-Beta Females.  They cannot tolerate immaturity, drama, jealousy, selfishness and other traits that define FIFAs.  The reason you want to recognize (and potentially entice) an Alpha Female is simple:  She is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you.  This is not hyperbole.  Alpha Females make everything better – if you can handle the ‘improvement process.’  They are the women who look good on your arm, charm your boss with wit and intelligence, talk sports stats with your homeboys, trade recipes with the boss’ wife, run the household while you are out of the country for 2 months, and then break it down in the bedroom when you get back home. 

Contrary to popular belief, Alpha Females are not unnatural.  In pack animals (such as wolves, lions and humans) an Alpha Female can lead a pack – if she has to do it.  That is the biggest difference between Alpha Males and Alpha Females.  Alpha Males are born that way and tend to exhibit Alpha behavior in childhood.  Alpha Females are created through circumstance and opportunity – similar to the Beta Males that can transition to Alpha (see Rant #30).  So here are some recognizable Alpha Female Key Traits:

                Key Trait #1:  An Alpha Female is NOT on the same level as an Alpha Male.  She leads because she sees a need for it.  She is decisive because she won’t allow her or her children to be hurt.  She is bold because she has learned a closed mouth won’t get fed.  She realizes who she is and what she has to do. 

                Key Trait #2:  Alpha Females come into a situation, analyze it, and then decide how it can be done better.  They are highly capable of doing most things that men can do.  They take control in a crisis, and only surrender it upon deciding that someone else can handle it better.  They have been referred to as ‘mannish’ at least once in their lives.  “Mannish” is defined here as doing things that guys do for the same reasons that guys do them (Examples: Riding a motorcycle, owning a performance vehicle, following sports down to the statistics of individual players and/or or being a gadget freak).  To guys, the Alpha female is ‘the coolest girl” they know.  They behave in a manner that makes sense to men.  They don’t cry (in public); they don’t demand a lot of attention or pampering from others; they like man stuff (see previous examples).  And they rarely do ‘girly stuff’ like pout, or hang up on you, or say “Nothing!” when something is clearly wrong.  An Alpha Female will tell you when you’ve upset her.  And she will do it now, not in six months.

Famous Alpha Female Examples:  Sojourner Truth.  Dorothy Height.  Barbara Jordan.  Queen Elizabeth I (the one all the movies are about).  Margaret Thatcher.  Annie Oakley.  Oprah Winfrey.  These women changed the world in one way or another.  (Side Note: How many of them had/have kids?)

Practical Alpha Female Examples:  Division manager on your job, National president of the NCNW, single mother who put three kids through college while working a blue-collar job… Maybe even the stripper who actually IS going to law school (and doesn’t work the champagne room). 

Similar to Beta Males, Alpha Females make great soldiers in the struggle.  Angela Davis and Harriet Tubman come immediately to mind.  Do you think Harriet wanted to risk her life to deliver slaves to the North?  Hell no.  But no other man stepped up so she did it – because it had to be done

                Key trait #3:  Alpha Females do not waste their time, and are notoriously impatient.  The easiest way to explain this is that they have a timeline, and a plan set in their head.  It is constantly evolving and growing – but never slowing.  If an Alpha Female asks you to do something and you don’t do it on her timeline, then she will do it herself.  She also will not ask you again because you are now unreliable.  Alpha Females always give you a chance to prove yourself.  Failure is on you.   

(There are several other traits that Alpha Females share with other strong independent women.  They are all decisive, rational, etc.  They all pay their own bills.  They all can survive what life throws at them.  However, there are some specific traits that Alpha Females have or DON’T have that set them apart.) 

                Key trait #4:  A strong female will pay her bills on time.  An Alpha Female will go beyond this to live within her means and develop an investment portfolio.

                Key trait #5:  A strong female will stand her ground, no matter what.  An Alpha Female will pick her battles because sometimes it’s just not worth the effort to argue with you.

                Key trait #6:  FIFAs can be promiscuous.  Alpha Females are sexually aggressive but not promiscuous.  Sex is seen as another challenge to be conquered.  This is a good thing for you men because her goal in the bedroom will be to wear you out.  This also means that using a woman’s sex drive to classify her is tricky.  Beta Females are the consummate ‘good girls’ who can follow directions to satisfy you.  However, BOTH FIFAs and Alphas can be…adventuresome.  So, look for the other key traits!  The point of the rant IS to help you determine the difference between a good woman and just a good lay!  😉

                Key trait #7:  A Beta or FIFA woman can be a “ride or die” chick.  An Alpha Female will never – NEVER – be “ride or die”.  You know why?  Because she is not going to die for you.  To understand this, you have to understand the very nature of pack animals.  All species are hard-wired to protect their future progeny.  An Alpha Male will protect his mate and his offspring with his life.  An Alpha Female will then protect her offspring with her life.  She will not protect her mate because he is supposed to be protecting her.  If the Alpha Male falls, she is the only one left to defend the offspring.  So duh!  She ain’t dying for you!

When men say they want a ‘ride or die’ chick, they mean they want a woman who will not question their judgment, and will do what she is told because his word is gospel to her.  An Alpha Female doesn’t consider that in her best interest – NOR yours.  An Alpha Female will, however, do what she is told if you simply tell her why it needs to be done.  Every Alpha Male I know can explain why and bring you around to his way of thinking.  This solidifies the Alpha Male’s place as leader, and he gets the benefit of knowing his plan probably has no serious flaws to it. 

 By the way, to even gain an Alpha Female’s attention, you either have to be an Alpha Male (she can scent them) or stay in her face long enough for her to notice you.  To quote an old cheer: “Be. Aggressive! Be – be, aggressive!!!”  Once you get her number, be consistent with your behavior.  What you are trying to do is become one of her habits – part of her routine.  This is how you get her to make space for you in her oh-so-busy life.  Alpha Women, while not requiring a lot of attention, don’t give it either.  I mean, you’re a guy – why are you bitching and moaning about her not calling you?  She was busy.  (Now doesn’t that sound just like the thoughts you had when you didn’t call that OTHER chick back last year?) 

                Key trait #8:  Alpha Females will not continually challenge a man for dominance – either you can dominate her or you can’t.  If you can’t – you never will.  If you can – she will be the strongest solider in your army of supporters.  Some strong independent women get so caught up in having to prove themselves that they compete with their man for dominance in the house in the same way they compete in the work force.  An Alpha Female has nothing to prove to her man (He knows how great she is).  Additionally, she will either run the house because she is with a mid-to-low-level Beta Male or let her man run it because she is with a high-level Beta or an Alpha Male.  If you can handle it, then rest assured that an Alpha Female appreciates you taking over and will defend your leadership position to anyone outside of the home.  If you can’t – that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to be with you.  It just means that she wants you to love and support her as leader of the household.  This CAN work, if you can accept the supporting role (Stedman, WTH happened to you, dude?).  If an Alpha Female decides that she loves you and wants you in her life – roll with it.  You won’t regret it.  Just don’t expect to be coddled.  An Alpha Female can only be with a man she respects.  He can either be a) Someone who can handle business better than she can, or b) Someone who can be her rock and her support as she handles business. 

               Key trait #9:  Alpha Females like (and prefer) to be dominated – if you know how to do it because it requires treating her with the utmost respect.  Have you ever seen a woman who was a total bitch at work but turned to butter when her man walked in the room?  I rest my case.  An Alpha Female will defer to her Alpha Male when he effectively asserts himself for dominance in her life.  Alpha Females’ thinking goes like this…  “I don’t have to ‘let a man be a man’.  He should just be one.  There’s nothing I can do to take away his ‘manness’.”  Contrary to FIFAs, an Alpha Female knows her place, and she thrives as the yin to an Alpha Male’s yang.  So, the reason there so many ‘hard headed’ and ‘too damned independent’ women out there is simple.  This only works with ALPHA MALES.  I guess I had to be the one to break the news to the other 90% of you…

Rant 31 done, and I’m out.

Joy’s Rant List, Volume 30: Of Mice and Men


This rant has nothing to do with the American classic book.  This has to do with a certain subset of humans that are just slightly offset the rest: The Alpha humans.  Now I say ‘humans’ and not ‘males’ because Alpha Females do exist.  But that’s the next rant.  This one is about Alpha Males: how to see one and possibly…  how to score one.  (For the fellas, you may peruse this and honestly determine your REAL status – for free!)

Okay Joy…  What is an Alpha Male?  How do I spot one, Joy?  Why should I even care?

The Alpha Male is the one that everyone wants.  You may have heard it said about certain men: “Women want him and men want to be him.”  Yep – that’s the guy.  The proverbial “leader of the pack”.  Here are some examples of Alpha Males throughout history:  Alexander the Great.  Hammurabi (Google him – I don’t have time to teach you).  The “Most Interesting Man in the World” from the Dos Equis commercials.  King Arthur – father of the knight’s code that we call ‘chivalry’ today.  It was created to protect the weak, and not to show respect, by the way.  Women and children just happened to be weaker.  But I digress.  Al Capone.  Hugh Heffner.  Any Clint Eastwood character.  Prince.  Yes, Prince!  Who else can look at you and make you his slave with one word?  Prince is both a lone wolf AND a pack leader.  And musically speaking, when have you ever known Prince to not do whatever the hell he wanted?  Who else decides to just be named:   

Technically, there are three levels of man: Alpha, Beta and… BAMA.  More on BAMA later. 

1)  ALPHA (10%):  The thing that all Alpha Males have in common is that they are leaders.  They lead even before someone asks.  They decide what they are going to do, and just do it.  They dominate their surroundings, and sometimes you feel dominated just by them walking into the room.  They tell YOU how it’s going to be (even in the bedroom).  Alpha Males either make rules or break rules, but they don’t live by someone else’s – unless they previously decided they already agreed with those rules first.  This is why two grown men have a hard time living in the same house.  Every household/pack/group has a leader. 

(SIDE NOTE:  In the absence of a true Alpha Male, a Beta Male will shoulder the responsibility.  Have you ever met a man that was in charge of things (life, work, love) but sometimes seemed just a touch overwhelmed?  Beta Male.  And that’s not a bad thing.  Not. A. Bad. Thing!!  Beta Males are awesome – and good soldiers in the struggle.  And honestly, a Beta Male will probably make a better husband for most women.  Here is something to remember, though – EVERY MAN WANTS TO BE THE ALPHA MALE IN HIS OWN HOUSE.)

But, when it comes to the rest of the world, only a true Alpha Male remains the undisputed leader of the pack.  And, yes, there can only be one!   

A.  All Alpha Males live life with an unwavering sense of entitlement.  They absolutely believe the world exists for their taking.  They have incredible powers of persuasion that stem from their inner confident core.  It is this confident core that attracts women.  How else can Prince wear 5 inch heels, mascara and a roller set, but still have women fainting over him?  How else could he change his name to a symbol, and get EVERYONE to refer to him as “The artist formerly known as Prince” for years – until HE decided it was cool to speak his name again!?! 

Let me repeat my point for emphasis:  It is this confident core that attracts women.  How else did Forest Whitaker end up with a bangin’ wife BEFORE he made any money as an actor?  (C’mon, y’all know that lazy eye ain’t no parts of sexy.)

Basically, women are not attracted to bad boys, they are attracted to the manufactured confidence they exude.  Power=protection, and I’ve told you before how women are drawn to protective men on a DNA level.  But be warned: there is a dark side to the Alpha Male too…  They can be sociopaths!  As a matter of fact, real Pimps tend to be Alpha Males – a classic example of using those confident powers of persuasion for evil. 

(SIDE NOTE:  Single moms – if you are raising an Alpha Male, you need to recognize and manage them accordingly or else they will end up running your house and you before turning into a full on hellion.  This transformation can happen as early as TWO YEARS OLD so pay close, close attention in order to recognize the signs EARLY!) 

The last thing you want to see is an Alpha Male gone bad.  The Alpha Male personality will emerge early on in life as willfulness.  They will try to tell you what to do – not in a dominating kind of way, but in a “This just makes more sense so let’s do it my way” kind of way.  One future Alpha Male gave his mother a rational argument for why she needed to just let him play outside – for her own good.  His rationale was “I’ll be out of your hair, and I promise not to cross the street”.  Sound argument.  Another one I saw in a restaurant told his older sister to use her “inside voice”.  One mannish little Alpha brat ran his hand up my calf (He was THREE) and then looked at me as if I was stupid when I asked him why he did it.  His response – “I wanted to feel it”.  SMH. 

I have an Alpha male friend who, in college, stopped the guys in his dorm from running a train on a drunken co-ed.  He didn’t respect or care about her as a person.  He just did what was right.  Period.  Some guys could have easily looked the other way.  For him, self respect and respect of others go hand in hand.  He would not respect himself if he allowed her to hurt herself.  Respect is a HUGE deal to Alpha males. 

For example, my dad (another Alpha male) was helping his buddy move wood from a downed tree into the garage.  His friend’s crazy, bitchy wife came out and started cursing at them and hitting his friend.  The friend flinched.  She came towards my dad, arm raised, and he looked her in the eye and simply said “Don’t. Touch. Me.”  She backed up AND took herself back in the house. 

I met an Alpha Male at the gym last night, and in the 20 minutes that we talked, I found him fascinating.  He gave me some great advice about a number of things from dating to investments.  And he’d never gone to college, but had gone from a garbage man riding on the back of the truck to a regional manager for the same company in just 15 years.  He told me that he was going to retire in 5 years (at 53) to Panama with his wife, after he sold his houses.  Self. Made. Man. 

B.  Alpha Males always give you a VERY rational explanation of why their way is better.  They will do what they think is best for you and for them – even if you don’t want or ask them to figure it out in the first place!  They are not gentlemen all the time, but they are always chivalrous.  I’m assuming you need me to tell you the difference:  A gentleman will open doors for you, protect you from overt danger, bring you flowers, etc.  An Alpha male will be on constant alert for any threat to you, real or imagined.  They open doors for you because any threats will most likely come from outside, so get yourself inside!  They don’t seek to impress you with their chivalry, they do it because – on some level – they think you belong to them and will never allow anyone to mess up their “stuff” (i.e. YOU).  They have an inherent need to protect.  This includes their friends, sisters, mothers, aunts, children, and any women in the vicinity if he’s the only guy around (which tends to happen to them a lot).  An Alpha Male will help you down the stairs but simultaneously fuss at you for wearing stupid shoes that require him to help you down the stairs.  Occasionally, however, they just disappear for a while because you keep wanting to go places with more than 6 exits and keeping an eye on all those exits starts to induce eye tics.  Basically, Alpha males are built to lead and protect, but not necessarily to fall in love and live happily ever after. 

2)  BETA (60%):  Beta Males are the proverbial “good man”.  They are not as bold or confident as the Alpha Male, but extremely solid.  They take care of home, and they are responsible.  They recognize the benefits of a good woman.  They are fiercely protective of their own, too – but that stops at a much smaller circle than with an Alpha Male.  In other words, he might be checking for you, but your girl?  He doesn’t know her.  That’s why you get a drink at the club, and she doesn’t.  The only place where they fall short is that their bark is always bigger than the bite.  Please know a big bark may be all you’ll ever need, so that is NOT.A.BAD.THING.  However, I warn you to NEVER make the mistake of thinking an Alpha male’s bite is smaller than his bark – NEVER.  Beta males may also not be as strong of will as they want you to believe.  They may have some insecurities that they haven’t dealt with well.  They may complain about their situation but do nothing to change it.  They fear change.  Interestingly, a Beta Male can be transitioned into an Alpha Male either by circumstance, by social pressure, or by having an Alpha Female by his side (more on the Alpha Female with the next rant).  As a matter of fact, those three components came together in a perfect storm to transform one very high ranking government official who shall remain nameless…  Yep.  THAT’s the kind of ‘potential’ you should be looking for in a man.

3)  BAMA (30%):  BAMAs are the absolute bottom of the barrel.  B.A.M.A. stands for Bitch-Ass-Male-Adult.  I have been told time and again by different men that any human with a penis that’s over 18 is a man.  I disagree with that definition, but whatever. 

(SIDE NOTE:  We need to bring back ‘Rites of Passage’ ceremonies.  Let’s send Lil Ray Ray out by himself to kill a lion with his bare hands.  If he comes home, he’s a man.  If he dies, well…  That’s one less B.A.M.A. contributing genes to the gene pool.  Djimon Honsou killed a lion with a rock in Amistad.  And King Leonidas killed a wolf with a knife in 300!…But I digress.)

A BAMA is the type of dude that will have a problem with you if you make more money than he does.  He gossips – and not that useful office politics gossip.  I mean that “I heard she was sleeping with so-and-so” gossip.  He is a hypocrite.  He resents others’ happiness.  He is a hater.  He will tell you that you can’t do any better than him.  He preys on the weak and insecure (Alpha and Beta Males do NOT tolerate insecure women).  He tells you what you want to hear.  He is content to live off of a woman if she will let him.  He is lazy.  He probably has a great body because 1) he spends all his time at the gym and not working and 2) he is trying to distract you from the fact that he has nothing BUT his body going for him.  He will use you if you let him.  BAMAs will imitate the actions and mannerisms of Alphas and Betas.  But watch them for 3 months or more, and you will start to see them for the mice they are.  Remember Prince Charming from Rant # 26?  BAMA!!  A BAMA will act like a badass until an Alpha or Beta male steps up and punks him (check out Gran Torino!).  He is the guy that Alphas and Betas wish they could kill off, because he is messing it up for everyone else. 

(SIDE NOTE:  Some people may point out that women contribute to the recent exponential increase in B.A.M.A. males: The sister had to have slept with him too, or the woman let him live off of her, etc.  And you are right – we will discuss those women in the next rant, too.  But let me be clear – just because the guy you like dogged you, he may not be BAMA.  He may just not have been that into you.  Check your own actions and see where your culpability lies.  Even an Alpha Male will hit it if you throw it at him enough – though they tend to be very picky because their manhood is not defined by their “cookie count”.  Regardless ladies, no matter the level of male, listen when they tell you who they really are – then believe it!!!)

SUMMARY:  Sooo…  Take a moment and examine the man you like/love/married/dumped/have a secret crush on. 

1)      If you think he’s an Alpha Male, then get used to doing things his way.  You’ll probably like it anyway.  Hang on for the ride.  But beware – Alpha Males are extremely self-sufficient.   They don’t like damsels in distress because it gets tiring rescuing you over and over again.  Like wolves, Alpha Males will mate for life, but only with a suitable mate.  And if they feel trapped, they will chew through their own ankle to escape.  If you are a pushover, they won’t respect you.  And if you are a hard case, they won’t waste their time with you.  There’s a thin area of grey in which to play with an Alpha male.  So don’t think you are going to offer him anything that he can’t live without (sex, food, etc.).  And know that you may have to share him with whatever cause he has decided to champion (for the Alpha Male likes to make an impact). 

2)      If he’s a Beta Male – treat him with respect, and he will respect you.  You can be his equal, but you will still need to let him be the man.  Stop acting up and recognize the good man that’s in front of you.  Or, if you dumped him, waiting on an Alpha Male…  It sucks to be you.  You let a good one go. 

3)      If he is a BAMA – remember that it truly is better to be alone than be with a dude that is sooo punkable! 

Rant 30 done, and I’m out.

Joy’s Rant List, Volume 28: James Bond and Jenna Jameson (Part 3 of the “Jaded Series”)

I’ve talked to fifteleven people about what attracts them to someone.  The answer, if you ask them, is “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  SHENANIGANS!  Every woman in the world would give it to James Bond (or Jason Bourne – Insert your “fantasy” actor).  And, every man in the world would definitely not kick Jenna Jameson out of bed – even if you claim you don’t like white girls! 

So what is the “I gotta have it” factor that makes EVERY person go for these two people?  Well, it ain’t their looks.  In fact, let me give you a quick personal story…

I was watching the latest version of the Incredible Hulk recently.  After a huge explosion, the Hulk takes his unconscious girlfriend to a cave until she wakes up.  Suddenly the lightning flashes and the thunder roars.  He jumps up to yell at the storm, and then puts his body in between the girl and anything that may try to come at him.  When she steps forward to calm him, he grunts and puts out a hand to keep her behind him – protected from any and all harm.  And I had the distinct thought:  The Hulk could get it!!! 

Wait… Did I just decide that I wanted to have sex with a radioactive monster?  Yeah, I did.  What the hell is wrong with me?  (Don’t answer that just yet…)  But, what would bring out sexual attraction to a green, speech-impeded, half-nekkid, no-shower-taking monster?  Answer:  He could protect me.  I am not saying I want to marry or even date him, but his ability to protect me makes me feel safe.  And then something deep inside me says it is okay to trade sex for protection.  (Trust me and just keep reading…)

In researching this rant, I asked my homeboys what they like about porn stars (and strippers).  “They’re fine, and they’re nasty.”  That’s it.  It’s not personality, cooking ability, or intellect (Who even talks to a porn star?)  It’s that she is pretty and willing to do any nasty thing a guy wants.  Think I’m wrong?  MEN – ask yourselves how many times you have thought: She’s crazy but she is fine as hell.  Or, she makes me SICK, but she gives great head.  Don’t be ashamed.  We know you do it.  You may even be married to… (Hold that thought…)

So we know that men are visual creatures.  Man see, Man want. 

Well, Women are cerebral creatures, i.e. can this Man protect me?  Now, the definition of protection varies from woman to woman – thus so will attraction.  In prehistoric times, it used to be strictly physique.  The caveman with the longest arms and the biggest muscles was more likely to win all his fights, which translated to keeping the cavewoman and cavechildren alive.  Naturally, he got the prettiest cavewoman.  Genetically speaking, that’s why jocks get cheerleaders to this day.  But we are a little more sophisticated in the 21st century.  If muscles and height were the only way to protect a woman, we’d all be taller.  But the invention of money brought another form of protection – financial stability.  If you couldn’t physically fight off all rivals, you could pay someone to do it for you and still keep a roof over her head with food in the refrigerator. 

Warning:  A woman that is only attracted to your money would rather have sex with your wallet than with you… 

(Personally, I think smart guys are sexy.  A tall smart guy with nice shoulders is sexier than a short smart guy with a pot belly… And a tall smart guy with a gun could get it.  Attraction to intelligence follows the genetic law, but in a modified way.  In today’s society, smart men rule the world (allegedly), and their genes are preferable.  Did you know that sperm from doctors and scientists are the most requested at fertility clinics?) 

Summary:  Muscles are sexy to everyone.  Brains are sexy to women who value intelligence.  Money is only sexy to women who don’t have it.

(It’s almost time to tell me what you really think…)

HYPOTHESIS:  Marriage is a contractual bartering of sex for protection. 

Men – no matter how much you like talking to your wife, sharing dreams and ambitions with her, and/or watching her rear your children… You want to hit that.  I know of no man that ever married a woman he didn’t want to bang.  PLENTY of women have married dudes they NEVER wanted to give it up to.  Some of you may know men that are married to women who won’t give them any.  I’ll bet she’s fine, and he’s got money.  (Refer back to Rant # 14 about faking it.)

Women – you want to feel safe and protected.  If a man convinces you that he can protect you, he can get in your pants.  How about another personal story?  In college, I got stranded, and one of my homeboys had my car towed then got me a hotel room for the night.  He saved me, and if he had made a play for me that night…  He could have hit it.  I wasn’t even attracted to him – but he could have gotten it on “rescue euphoria.”  Alas, by the next day, the moment had passed.  I’ll bet he’s reading this right now and thinking “Dayum! I knew it!”

Now, let’s say a man loses a fight.  He also loses any chance at getting with any girl who saw him fail.  By the way, this explains why women don’t like guys who cry or faint at the sight of blood – and the thug/bad boy love.  1) No girl wants a punk-a$$ boyfriend.  2) Thugs and bad boys are in great physical shape and win all their fights.  Now, this does not mean we want to marry these guys – they usually don’t live long, like to hit women and generally act an a$$.  But they are sexy, and in this age of free love, we try them out.  Curiosity kills the cat (Boy does it ever…).  But that is a young girl’s game.  Grown women trade physique for mental and financial stability.  So this is why EVERY woman likes James Bond.  He’s in great physical shape and carries a gun (raw protection).  He has a job (financial security).  He is smart and dresses well (charm), and he is a great lover (self-explanatory).  He is every woman’s fantasy! 

Men, again, want someone who is pretty and freaky.  Now, for the men who want a wife, they also want that ‘pretty, freaky woman’ to be sane as well as have some sense of decorum so they can take her around their friends and family.  You can’t turn a whore into a housewife.  But you can try to turn your housewife into your own personal whore.  And that is every man’s fantasy!   Kim Kardashian is fun to look at, but there is a reason most men like Catholic Schoolgirl and Librarian costumes…  

PROBLEM:  So why, then, are we not finding these fantasies?  Well, because everyone thinks they can ‘order off the menu’ in their love life.  We want to get exactly what we want, and none of the things we don’t want.  You want sushi with brown rice, hold the cream cheese.  (Our parents didn’t even know about sushi.)  You want a double cheeseburger with extra bacon – and apple slices.  (Our parents ate meatloaf.)  You want a half-caf nonfat caramel machiatto.  (Our parents drank coffee.)  What the hell happened to a cup of Folgers?  

SOLUTION:  Get the meal on the menu, and PUT SOME HOT SAUCE ON IT!  If you don’t like hot sauce, then get some BBQ sauce, ranch dressing…  Whatever!  Figure out what the most important aspects are in a mate, and find someone who has them.  Then adjust your palette so you can take whatever comes along with it (within reason).  If it isn’t perfect, then dash a little Lawry’s on there too and…  Make. It. Work!

Rant Volume 28 done, and I’m out!

Joy’s Rant List Volume 27: What SHE Said (Part II of the Jaded Series)

I have great friends.  They are stupid like me.  So while I am over here getting my mind right, my girl Angele stepped in to do a guest shot on my Rant List.  Now, she had no idea when she wrote this that it would get published.  She was blowing off steam.  But it was so ON POINT that I figured I could just phone it in!  And it would prove that I am not the only one who feels like this.  I’m going to let her deliver this word to you, with minimal interjections from the Amen Corner (*denoted like this.)

Preach, ‘Gele!!

A Single Woman’s Sermon

If I hear “you act like you don’t need a man” or “you’re just too picky” one more time, I swear somebody’s head is going to get bust straight to the white meat! (*word!!)  The way I see it, I’m in a catch 22.  I’m single so I have to take care of myself.  I’m the only one writing checks to GA Power, Scana, Wells Fargo Mortgage, LA Fitness, etc.  I have to take my car in for an oil change.  I have to sit all day at the car place, hoping they are not fixing stuff that doesn’t need to be fixed because I don’t know jack!  If I cared that my car was yellow-green instead of silver, I’d be the one responsible to get my car washed (notice I didn’t suggest that I was getting out there to wash my own car…let’s not get crazy).  I have to pick up my own dry cleaning.  I have to go to Publix, Target, and Walgreen’s for chicken, toilet paper, toothpaste.  Anyway, you get the picture.  I am on my own right now.  Like BG said, it’s get it how you live, with me.  What I got – I had to get (*right!).  That’s not saying that I don’t NEED a man.  Baby, I NEED A MAN and I can’t wait to get the right one!!  I’m not even going to touch all the reasons I need one and want one because that’s not the topic.  I am just saying that I have it covered right now.  Think about this:  What if I was in the space where I NEEDED the man that I don’t have to do all these things?  What wouldn’t get paid?  Would I have to live in an apartment because I needed to wait for the man I don’t have to buy a house?  Would my lights get turned off?  Would my car break down because I was waiting on the man that I don’t have to take it for service?   (*Oh, I wish I had somebody to help me up in here!)   

Would I starve because the man I don’t have didn’t stop at Publix?  And tell the truth – how many of y’all would think I was a raggedy so-and-so for letting my business get so raggedy just because I don’t have a man when I’m clearly an educated and employed woman?  You know you would be yelling – “Girl, you better get your $hit together and quit waiting on the man you don’t have to handle your business! You better know how to take care of yourself by yourself.” (*that’s what my momma said!)  Don’t lie!  If you’ve never SAID, you’ve THOUGHT it about somebody that “they gots to do better than that”.

Now, the whole “picky” thing ticks me off more than the “needy” thing.  I’m 37, in good health, kinda cute, got a lot going for me, nice, funny… Why in the HELL would I want a man who is not good for me? (*Whoo! Ashamalamamashouldaboughtahonda!)   Notice I didn’t say “good ENOUGH” for me.  That’s subjective.  A man who looks good on paper might not be worthy but the man who only has 1 suit in his closet might be a better fit.  Why can’t I want a man that is employable?  I know in this economy even the most intelligent and qualified brothers and sisters are out of work so “must have a good job” can’t be a deal breaker for me right now.  Why can’t I want a man that doesn’t have 3 kids by 3 different women, none of which he married?  Why can’t I want a man that is nice looking TO ME?  Why can’t I want a man that can read? (*YES!)  And has read more than the articles in Playboy, since you know ‘they buy the magazines for the articles’?  Why can’t I want a man that doesn’t have a crazy ex-wife or baby mama?  Why can’t I PREFER a man without a baby mama?  I understand that at my age I might be the second wife, and I’m cool with that.  Why can’t I want a man who wants children?  Hell, if it’s important to me, why can’t I want it?  And why is it considered PICKY to have standards like this?  (*Right!  Ain’t nobody talking about benzes or big bank accounts.  How about just faithful and cute?!?!)

PHUCK!!!  Single women can’t win for losing.  Yes, we can…if people would keep that shull-bit about the crisis women are in because we don’t have men out of their mouths.(*Yes! Shut. Up!)  Life and death is in the power of the tongue.  We need to stop saying that there are no good men out there.  THERE ARE!  And guess what…I’m going to marry one of them.  Who knows WHEN – and I’m not going to front, I’m getting impatient!  But I feel like God wouldn’t put this desire on my heart if he didn’t intend to give it to me, in His time of course.  Until then, I’m going to try and enjoy being single.  I can read all night if I want to.  I can eat a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner if I’m too lazy to cook.   I can walk around the house nekkid and not worry about giving anybody mixed signals.  I can go out to eat when and where I want to without coordinating it with anyone unless I want company for conversation.  I can get massages every month without somebody telling me what I don’t need.  I can wear my head scarf without worrying about whether “he” is going to think I look crazy.   🙂  (Bump that! I gotta save my style!)

I said I wasn’t going to go into why I want a man and I won’t say much but I will say this: a good man can do for you what your mama, daddy, brother, sister, Sorors, friends, cousins, coworkers…etc. cannot do.  You need to figure that out on your own.  Just make sure he meets your NEEDS as well as your WANTS.  (*And if he doesn’t, tell him “Deuces, trick!”)

I’m out. 

(*But not quite, because she sent me this second email 2 days later….)

The Husband Headlock

When a woman is in the ‘single woman crisis’ (sarcasm), she may feel desperate to take whatever she can get.  Or worse, she auditions every man she meets, unbeknownst to him, for the Leading Man in her marriage saga.  The Husband.  (Cue dramatic music.)

I’m all for self-disclosure so I’ll admit it, I have envisioned some men that I’ve met in the husband headlock.  Usually they are handsome and successful.  They have it going on…on paper.  I like them…enough.  They seem to like me…I think.  I convince myself that this is IT!  This is ENOUGH!  When I get that foolishness in my mind and when I realize that the story is not quite a fairy tale (except the part where I am kissing a frog) I hoped it would be, I go into panic mode and forget 2 lessons that I have learned the hard way.

  • Love does not conquer all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be single.  I have loved and been loved (we probably weren’t on the same level – one more than the other) but clearly that wasn’t enough to make it work.
  • You can’t love anybody into loving you.  You do not have the capacity to sustain enough love for two people to make a relationship work.  All you do is give away a lot of love and don’t get JACK back.

But I have to make this note: I think we have an unlimited store of love.  It doesn’t have to be rationed so as not to run out but we gotta make sure that we don’t waste it on somebody who won’t handle it with care.

I met this cutie last week.  He’s an Omega…he might be a Que but I’ve never seen him set out a hop nor have I seen him strip down to purple or gold drawers.  (Hmmm…what a nice visual!…  ~smacking myself back into focus~) (*Ha! SHE wrote that!  I told you she was silly like me!)  I haven’t visualized him in the husband headlock but I have ‘seen’ us spending time together.  I like him…so far.  He did stand me up – I left a party earlier than he arrived – but he offered to cut my grass the next day.  I was really disappointed and I wanted an explanation until I realized that he didn’t owe me anything.  I had to question why I thought he did: because I thought it was common courtesy, I guess, or something else.  Still not sure about that.  I guess I’m over it since I’m about to cook for this clown on Sunday.  I need to make him earn his keep.(*You’d betta!)  He’s going to have to wash my car if my neighbor cuts my grass before he gets to it.  I mean, do something.

Why do I write about any of this? Because we women are in crisis!  We all want men!  We cannot function without men! We can’t have anything without men! We cannot be anything without men!  Our world should revolve around…you guessed it…MEN!!!!!!!!  ….. Okay enough of that.  I’m about to throw up writing this foolishness! 

Although we are self-sufficient and have it going on and are doing it by and for ourselves, we do want someone in our lives.  The fact of the matter is we need to be careful of who we let, or force, in.  No one will ever take care of us the way we can and should care for ourselves.  Quit auditioning men.  Quit doing bicep curls preparing for the husband headlock!!  Quit doing leg presses and lunges to tighten up your legs so you can wrestle that man to the ground and twist him in your legs.  (What was that wrestling move called?  The Boston crab?  Yeah, that’s it!)  Enjoy yourself.  Take your sexy off the shelf but accept that all men won’t want you.  Hell, you don’t want every man you come across do you?  Bring your ego down a thousand and realize that you are not every man’s cup of tea.  But you still got it going on!  Trust me!  You are still the bomb.

Wow…I just realized that I’m talking to myself.  The rest of y’all are just getting the benefit of what I am telling myself.  Let’s see how well I hold myself to this for the next 6 months.  Who’s going to hold me accountable? (*I will!)

Rant Volume 27 done, and WE’RE out!  (Shout out to Spelman c/o ’95!)